


Nobody Said It Was Easy

by smoresies



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abusive Relationship, Alcoholism, Angst and Humor, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-26
Updated: 2016-09-26
Packaged: 2018-08-17 13:05:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 6
Words: 53,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8145049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smoresies/pseuds/smoresies
Summary: When people scold their friends for staying in an abusive relationship, it's because they don't understand why. This isn't a happy story, but an honest one. It shows how easily the perfect relationship can turn sour and how feelings get mixed up and they don't leave each other. If you or a loved one is suffering like I will make these two suffer, please notify a professional.This story was written on FF.NET under the penname Smoresies. This is my story.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story is dedicated to all those who have been involved in an abusive relationship. Just know that there are people willing to help you and I hope if any of my readers feel this story describes their relationship, they seek help.
> 
> Castiel and Dean meet, fall in love, and then everything turns sour. Join me in the tale to telling a story that could help you better understand people's minds in these situations. Hopefully you'll know how to handle them yourself if you need to.
> 
> Also, if anyone needs someone to talk, I am always here. I love you guys and I hope everyone is okay.  
> Because this was posted before, the only thing done to it is minor spelling corrections and grammar corrections. It will be posted in groups of chapters at a time instead of individually.

# Nobody Said It Was Easy

## Chapter one

_If you put a frog in boiling water it will jump out. If you put a frog in water and slowly heat it up to the boiling point, it will stay there until it dies._

The sky was tinged with a dark, gray looking blue color. The hung thick and you could smell the rain in the air.

Castiel stood outside the coffee shop he worked out, staring at the sky. He liked rainy days. And he liked it even more when there was a storm. He was waiting for the thunder to roll in.

The coffee shop he worked at was a small, hole in the wall place. It only needed two workers on a normal day. “Heavenly Coffee” was the name and it was being put in the process of becoming a chain.

“Castiel, bro. What the hell are you doing?” Castiel cast a look on his co-worker, Gabriel. “Dude, stop being creepy and pensive and get your ass inside. You're going to get electrocuted out here.” He stared at the sky.

“Why is that such a bad thing?” Castiel mused nonchalantly and Gabriel rolled his eyes.

“Alright enough there, we can John Coffey your ass later now get inside, we still have a few more hours.” Castiel sent him a sideways look and sighed, pushing himself off the side of the building and dragging his feet back inside.

“Were you really concerned for my well-being?” Castiel asked with a pointed look and Gabriel smiled.

“I'm always concerned about you, Castiel. You're so fragile and I don't want someone to kidnap you.” Castiel gave him a sour look and sat down at one of the tables. “You alright there, Governor?”

“Fine, I suppose.” Was the muttered reply. Not a moment after, it started to rain. Small droplets at first, then it started pouring.

Castiel walked to the window and stared upwards, watching the rain fall down. Gabriel laughed at the people on the sidewalks who started running in an attempt to find shelter.

“You're an ass.” Castiel said bluntly.

“Schadenfreude.” Was the simple reply. Gabriel took a seat and continued giggling to himself.

With a loud clap of thunder and a flash of lightning across the dark sky, the door opened aggressively and Castiel and Gabriel's attention snapped to the door.

Standing in the door frame was a man, average height and hair darkened with water. He was drenched, head to toe and Gabriel, with no common courtesy, burst out laughing at the man's misfortune.

Castiel sent Gabriel a look but stood up and walked behind the counter.

“Was there something I could get for you?” He asked in a monotone. The stranger kept staring at Gabriel who was crying at this point. He finally rolled his eyes and approached the counter with a smile that could melt someone's heart.

“Yes you could. Can I please get a coffee. Black.” He asked and turned around, leaning against the counter. Castiel pulled out his marker, not really caring there was no one else in the store, he maintained his appointed rules.

“Name?” He looked back at Castiel with kind of a smug grin.

“How about you just put your number on it instead?” Castiel could feel his ears and cheeks slowly burn and he looked down at the counter, not knowing how to respond do that.

“Um... I... uh...” He then stared at him awkwardly and the man chuckled, eyes glowing with mirth.

“Dean. My name is Dean.” He stared at Castiel's name tag. “Ca-steal.” He struggled with the name, eyes squinted. Castiel cleared his throat.

“Castiel. Like the angel of Thursday...” He corrected and Dean grinned at him again.

“Oh, an angel, huh? Is that what makes this coffee so heavenly?” He teased and the blush that finally went away was now brighter than before. Gabriel still sat in the corner giggling like a moron. Castiel, still being socially awkward just stared at Dean like a deer in headlights. He still didn't write Dean's name or his phone number on the cup.

Eventually Castiel inhaled and calmed himself down enough to shakily write 'Dean' on the cup and filled it with coffee. He handed it to Dean and he pulled out his wallet and cursed to himself as he pulled out a wad of sopping wet bills.

“Don't worry. It's on me.” Castiel blurred out and Dean gave him another grin.

“Thank you, Cas.” Castiel raised an eyebrow. Cas? Is he calling him Cas because he can't pronounce his name or is this a nickname? Castiel never had a nickname before... Actually, Gabriel gave him a few but they weren't very nice...

Dean grabbed the marker from Castiel and took a stray receipt paper and wrote his number down. He then pulled out one of the wet dollar bills and put both into the tip jar and winked at Castiel who stared wide-eyed the whole time.

“Text me, huh?” He grabbed his coffee and walked to the door. He then turned to Castiel. “I mean it.” He pointed with a look of determination and gave a cute grin and walked out of the cafe, into the rain.

“Well...” Gabriel broke the silence, looking at Castiel stare at the door even moments after Dean took his leave. “If you weren't gay, I think you are now.”

“Shut up, Gabriel...” Castiel grunted and took out the paper and stared at it.

“Looks like someone has a date~!” Gabriel teased and Castiel ignored him just staring at the paper.

He'd never been on a date before. No one really showed him any interest. This was weird for him. Especially with someone as handsome as Dean. There's only one thing Castiel could come up with.

“This is some form of a prank.” He announced to himself. Gabriel rose from his seat and walked over to Castiel and smacked him upside the head.

“Are you serious? He was eying you like candy. And you know what I look like when I eye candy. So it was pretty impressive.”

“There's no way this is a real phone number.” Castiel responded as he continued to stare at it.

Even though he said it a bunch of times, it still made him happy that someone gave him their number. He felt... funny for the first time he knew what it was like to like someone.  
***  
A couple of days later, Castiel and Gabriel were cleaning up the store front. Castiel was wiping down the tables that were outside and Gabriel was cleaning windows.

Castiel hadn't responded to the number, thinking it was a fake. He believed no one could want to date someone as awkward as him and ignored Gabriel when he said otherwise. But Gabriel knew it was because Castiel was too afraid to get his heart broken or even be embarrassed.

So when Dean showed up a second time, Castiel was more than surprised.

“Dean?” He stared at Dean unblinkingly and looked extremely scary and awkward but Dean just laughed.

“You never called.” He noted as he approached Castiel.

“I believe the terms were to text you.” Castiel said quietly and continued to stare at Dean.

“You didn't do that either.” Dean countered and Castiel looked at the ground awkwardly.

“I... believed that you had given me a fake number.” Castiel replied simply and Dean looked offended.

“Why would I do that?” He asked and Gabriel gave them both an amused look and walked inside the building to give them more privacy.

“Because. No one would want to associate with me.” Castiel said simply with no undertone. Just like he was stating a fact.

“I would. Now this time...” He walked closer to Castiel and handed him his phone. “You give _me_ your number.”

“How can you be so sure _I_ won't give you a fake number?” Castiel asked curiously.

“Because.” Dean smiled cheekily.

Castiel stared blankly at Dean's lame response and slowly took hold of the phone, waiting for Dean to snatch it back and carry it like it was a joke and laugh at him for falling for it. He stared at Dean for a few seconds while holding the phone before finally deciding to put his number in it. He then glanced up and noticed Dean already did him the favor of filling out his name. “Cas”

“Here.” Castiel handed Dean the phone back. Dean smiled wide enough for it to rub off on Castiel.

“Oh look, you have dimples. How cute.” Dean commented and Castiel looked away, embarrassed. “I'll text _you_ later.” Dean then sauntered off and Castiel gave him a longing look before staring down at the rag he was holding and smiling to himself.

He walked inside a few moments later and kept checking his phone.

“Sheesh, he gave you his number a few days ago but now that he has yours you keep checking?” Gabriel teased. Castiel just stared at him blankly.

“I dislike you.” Castiel murmured and Gabriel just smiled widely back at him.

“That's okay. I know deep down you love me.”

A little while before closing was when Castiel got his first message from Dean. Without smiling, his face lit up and he cradled his phone as he stared in awe at the message that proved Dean was actually taking the time out of his day in order to talk to him. Dean actually wanted to talk to him. It wasn't a joke.

Castiel stared at the message for several minutes in amazement and when Gabriel asked what Dean said that was so liberating and he glanced at the screen. All that was written was “hey” and for the first time, Gabriel stared at Castiel like Castiel usually stared at him.

“Really?” You're going bonkers over a 'hey'? Are you kidding? You really are a virgin...” He scoffed and Castiel slowly turned his head to Gabriel and gave him a scathing look. Gabriel smiled innocently and pet his messy, bed-head looking black hair.

“I do not know what to say.” Castiel finally said and Gabriel rolled his eyes.

“How about you say hello back?” The response was said sarcastically but Castiel nodded and typed back a simple hello. He placed the phone down on the counter and stared at it.

“A watched pot never boils.” Gabriel teased and started to drain the coffee pots.

Gabriel watched in mild amusement as Castiel literally jumped when he heard his phone go off and grabbed it greedily and stared at the phone screen.

“Just ask him on a date. He clearly likes you.” Gabriel said in a sing-song voice. Castiel chose to ignore him.

The text read “when do I get to see you again?” Castiel pondered the thought. He didn't know how to respond. He never really talked to someone with romantic intent. “I suppose whenever you feel the need to seek my presence” he responded after a while.

It felt nice to talk. He thought for a while and decided it could be good for him.

## Chapter two:

**What are you wearing? ;)**

Castiel stared at his phone screen. He knew that the ending punctuation marks were supposed to resemble a face that was winking. He asked Gabriel about it before and he laughed loudly and informed him of his ignorance. So now each time he had the pleasure of being sent that particular face, it didn't make him feel like he was being hit on. It just brought back memories of his incompetence.

Even so, Dean texting him made him very happy. He didn't know why Dean bothered to ask him what he was wearing being how only moments earlier Castiel had informed him he was working.

**Black pants, a white polo, and a tan apron and hat.**

Castiel seemed content with his response.

**You were supposed to say something sexy.**

Castiel raised a eyebrow. He never thought of anyone thinking he was sexy or anything that came out of his mouth to be sexy.

**So I was supposed to lie?**

He responded and began grinding more coffee. Usually he didn't text at work so much but then again, usually he didn't have anyone to talk to... Well besides Gabriel, who had an obsession with texting him pickles in provocative situations. Gabriel's imagination was endless, by the way.

**Just for the fun of it, yes. For example: I'm wearing nothing... ;)**

Castiel's expression just grew more confused.

**I thought you disclosed earlier that you were at the garage today. Why would you want to be naked while fixing cars?**

Castiel slipped his phone into his apron pocket as customers came into the shop. Gabriel was in the back washing dishes and singing rather loudly but Castiel learned to ignore it so wasn't bothered even though the customers giggled at the off-tune song.

“Can I have some espresso?” The female asked politely. Castiel gave a curt nod and walked over to the espresso machine and pressed the button down and espresso was immediately produced from the stem. He placed a lid on it and put it on the counter. As he was ringing in the order she looked at the cup, unimpressed.

“Why is there barely anything in here?” She asked and he looked up from his screen.

“You asked for a shot of espresso.” He said simply and she scoffed.

“No. I didn't ask for a shot. I asked for espresso. She snapped and he slowly let his hand fall down from the screen and gave her a very lost look.

“You want... a full cup... of espresso.” He tried to piece together and she nodded her head and shoved the cup in his direction.

“This is barely anything! Why would I want this?” She asked and he stared down at the small cup.

“So you want... twelve ounces... of espresso.” He said incredibly slowly and she grew more frustrated.

“Yes!” She huffed and he slowly grabbed the cup. He knew she had no idea what she was ordering.

“So I'm going to walk over to this machine...” He continued, taking the small cup with him and placing it down under the spout. “And I'm going to hit this button eleven more times. Is this correct?”

“Are you retarded?” She spat. “That's what I said I wanted!”

“Ma'am do you even know what you're ordering?” Castiel asked, for once looking exasperated. Before she could snap back, Gabriel walked from the back and saw the debacle and walked over.

“Sooo. Whats going on?” He asked and Castiel looked over at him.

“This woman ordered espresso. I provided her with it and she insisted it wasn't enough. She wants the cup full.” He said calmly and Gabriel looked at the woman with a grin.

“You're going to drink twelve ounces of espresso? You realize that's enough caffeine for like twelve cups of coffee, right?” He informed her and she huffed.

“Clearly neither of you can do your job!” After her outburst, Castiel gave her the drink and hesitantly rung in the price. She was not thrilled.

“Eleven dollars?! That much for espresso!? That is ridiculous! I'm never coming here again!” She assured and stormed out. Even the other customers stared at her in amazement. Gabriel started laughing loudly.

“Oh my GOD she's going to shit her pants!” He cried and doubled over.

After the small rush of people and Gabriel mocking the woman several times, Castiel pulled out his phone and smiled seeing the notification symbol.

**Of course. That's the best way to fix cars. Slick yourself up in some transmission fluid, and oil.**

**Too far?**

**I was kidding. I'm in coveralls...**

**Cas?**

Castiel was slightly shocked to have received four texts from Dean and didn't know how to respond. Gabriel leaned on his shoulder and read from there and laughed in his ear.

“He's hysterical. I like him.” He admitted and strolled off into the back to relax and probably tweet about the annoying customer from earlier. That's what he did every time there was an annoying customer. He would mock them on social media.

**Sorry. There was a rush of people that needed our assistance. But I'm sure you would look passable either way.**

Castiel didn't know what possessed him to say that but if Dean could joke around, so could he, right? He just wasn't sure if he was doing it correctly.

**PASSABLE?! You better expand your vocabulary. I deserve WAY more than passable. Sexy, hot, gorgeous, stunning, amazing. All those are fine substitutes. And you're lucky. I even gave you a word bank to choose from.**

Looking at the message made Castiel smile softly. Dean was funny, he decided. He liked Dean.

**I apologize severely for hurting your delicate sensibilities.**

The ice machine kicked on and startled Castiel into actually paying attention to do work. And so he did. He cleaned out the milk cooler and was in the process of refilling the three coffee grinders when he heard the door opening. When he turned he saw Dean standing there, grease spots flecked on his face and dirt smudges all over his clothes. His face was sweaty and his hair was all over god's creation. For some reason, that was the first time Castiel noticed how truly good Dean looked. He almost felt offended that a human being could pull off being dirty.

“Dean.” Castiel announced and turned so his whole body was facing the sweaty (and oddly smelling) man. “What are you doing here?”

“I just got out of work and I got your text and I felt that I should tell you that you did hurt my delicate sensibilities.” He said, surprisingly straight faced. Castiel's features softened and Dean knew he had him. “And I believe you need to come with me to dinner tonight to make up for the trauma.”

“You... you are kidding.” Castiel deadpanned and Dean broke his posture and a grin spread out on his face.

“Yeah. I'm fucking with you... about the delicate sensibilities, bullshit. I actually do want to go to dinner with you tonight.” Castiel gave Dean a look-over.

“Like that?” Dean gave him a look and went to deny it but decided that Castiel was just playing stupid at this point.

“Yes. Just. Like. This. I figured you can go in your apron and I could go smelling like Christine's bitch. It would be fun. Real romantic.” He said sarcastically. Castiel didn't know what to respond to first.

“Christine?” He finally spit out and Dean furrowed his brow and looked down, crestfallen that his pun went over Castiel's head. He then looked back up.

“The movie about the killer... never mind. Anyway, I'm going to go home and take a shower and get dressed in different clothes. I hope you do the same and then I will pick you up at eight.” He decided and the only thing Castiel could fathom to say was,

“I liked the Green Mile.” Dean gave up at that point and walked over to the counter and leaned against it. Castiel took a sharp inhale in. Not because Dean was so close but he now had to clean the counter top and probably the other side too.

“Do you want to go or not?” Dean asked softly and Castiel's eyes looked up to be met with Dean's. His facial structure seemed sincere enough. Castiel had a few minutes of looking confused before answering Dean's question.

“I would like to wear my tan coat, if you don't mind.” Dean laughed and squinted his eyes at the same time.

“That is the weirdest yes I've ever gotten.” After a couple minutes of just looking at each other, Dean stood up properly. “You will look good in whatever you want to wear. I will pick you up at eight.”

“I will be there... waiting for you... at eight then. I guess.” Castiel agreed and Dean chuckled.

“In your coat reading Green Mile, right?” Castiel nodded. He supposed he was going to have to look through his bookcase when he got home. Dean seemed to have his demands laid out for him and he didn't want to disappoint. Especially on a first date. His first date. Ever.

“You can count on it.” Castiel said with a strange sense of determination. Dean waved and left. It didn't take long for Gabriel to say something from the doorway to the back.

“Dude what the hell is wrong with you?” He asked and Castiel turned to give him a look of confusion. “What kind of shitty flirting was that? You couldn't even coerce your left hand to get in bed with you with that. You have GOT to learn people skills instead of being this weirdly awkward tall scrawny kid spewing nonsense.” Castiel held Gabriel's gaze for quite some time, squinting.

“My left hand is attached to my body. How would it not be in bed at the same time as me?” Gabriel just walked in the back looking baffled. He could not handle Castiel. He simply just could not.  
***  
Castiel was home after his long twelve hour shift at the cafe. He didn't mind working so long. He was rarely tired. And when he wasn't working, he was at home by himself. He didn't have many friends. He had Gabriel. Occasionally one of his siblings would give him a call. Sometimes he would avoid the calls though. Castiel wasn't a people-person.

The only thing that could occupy his time without allowing any amount of loneliness into his mind was when he was reading books. Which he stopped by his favorite bookstore on the way home to pick up some new reading material.

After placing his books very precisely on his end table next to his reading chair, he walked into his tiny bathroom and started the shower. His bathroom could probably only fit three people if they somehow merged a couple limbs together. His shower was just a stall. He had excellent leg strength because the shower head was down so low in the shower, he had to crouch down to wash his hair, otherwise it was just spraying water on his chest.

He didn't mind his tiny bathroom. It was always cleaned. Castiel's apartment was always in immaculate condition. He had a slight case of OCD. The OCD where If someone were to switch the position of the salt and pepper on his tiny kitchen table, he would notice.

After showering (and getting his leg work in for the day) Castiel walked over to the mirror and noticed the stubble that was growing. He hadn't shaved in a few days, nothing but pure laziness. However, once he glanced at the clock and the bright red numbers read 7:48, he didn't care so much. He wanted to get dressed.

This was a moment that Castiel felt happy that he didn't have a wide variety of clothes. He wouldn't know what to wear on a date otherwise.

He pulled out dark brown pants and a white button up shirt and a black tie. He gave himself an awkward mirror-smile and it vanished as quickly as it came. The voice in Castiel's mind couldn't help but point out how creepy he looked when he smiled. Suddenly he was extremely self conscious. It was now 7:58 and he told Dean he would go downstairs and meet him outside the apartment complex rather than have Dean waste his time with going up all of the stairs.

He stood outside, book tucked under his arm and watched cars drive by. The night was dark, and cold. He found himself glad to wear his favorite tan coat.

A black car pulled up to the curb and Dean hopped out of the driver's side, car still running. He jogged over to the other side and opened the passenger door for Castiel who stared at him in amazement. He slowly got into the car like he'd never seen one before and Dean laughed and closed it and got in on the other side.

“Damn, Cass. You weren't kidding about a tan coat. That outfit... It's so... you.” Dean said and Castiel noticed the dark jeans and the dark blue button up shirt he was wearing rolled up to his elbows.

“I apologize for not bringing Green Mile like you intended me to. I did bring a formidable substitute.” Castiel pulled out Christine from under his arm. Dean looked at him for a while and then started to laugh quite loudly mumbling “oh Cass” in between laughter.

## Chapter three:

“So what kind of music do you like?” Dean asked as he turned on the radio, blasting AC/DC.

“I like a lot of music. I don't really have a preference. Although I have a strong disdain for rap.” He admitted and Dean noticed how stiff he was. Castiel really did need to learn to relax.

“I approve.” Dean replied and continued looking at Castiel out of the corner of his eye. “Are you okay?”

“I am fine, why ask?” Castiel glanced over at Dean. Dean shrugged.

“You just seem all tense and uptight.” Castiel frowned at the statement and slouched down so he still looked stiff but with really bad posture.

“Does this make you feel better?” He asked and Dean smiled at him and shook his head.

“You are a weird one, Cass.” Castiel looked slightly hurt by the statement and looked down at the car floor. Dean noticed the demeanor and grabbed Castiel's knee and Castiel looked up in confusion. “Hey that's not a bad thing. Weird is good.”

The rest of the car ride was relatively quiet. Dean would ask a question and get a strange answer in response. And then suddenly Castiel did something no one ever did to him on a date. He started reading. That's right. Castiel pulled out Christine and started reading the book as they drove around in the car. The action didn't bother him though. He knew it should've annoyed him but he looked at how content Castiel was and smiled. He didn't know why he liked how strange Castiel was, but he did and he didn't want him to change.

“Hey bookworm, we're here.” Dean said finally and Castiel was on high alert briefly before settling down. The sudden noise startling him. He turned to Dean and nodded. “Come on you.” Dean said as he pushed himself out of the car. Castiel began opening his own door and Dean jogged over to it and pulled it out all the way and let Castiel out of the car. He smiled at him and closed the door then offered his arm.

“Are you ready?” Castiel slowly took Dean's arm and Dean couldn't pinpoint his favorite part about the hues in Castiel's eyes.

Castiel scanned the area and noticed a small, well maintained building. It really didn't have a sign anywhere so it wouldn't strike him as a place to eat.

“Where are we?” He asked and Dean grinned.

“Well you see, my good friend Ellen owns a bar. Her daughter, Jo, happens to own a small place herself. They have really good pie.” With that, Castiel followed Dean to the building and when he got inside he realized it WAS indeed a place to go eat. They just need better advertising.

“Jo!” Dean called and shortly after a very pretty blond girl walked out from the back and gave him a huge smile.

“Dean! Wow can't believe you're here. And look, you brought me a customer.” She added after noticing Castiel. Dean smiled proudly.

“You are looking at my date.” He announced and put his arm around Castiel who stood very stiffly under the weight. He struggled, but managed to half smile, feeling really awkward.

Jo giggled and nodded at the display.

“Yes, you two look like a very happy couple.” She acknowledge and Dean and Castiel spoke at the same time.

“Thank you, I know!”

“Oh no, we aren't a couple...” Dean then looked at Castiel.

“Am I not taking you out on a date as we speak?” He asked and Castiel shifted uncomfortably.

“Yes, well... I had no idea it came with the title of a couple.” He admitted and Dean frowned.

“You don't like me, Cass?” He gave a very good puppy-face. Castiel wasn't phased in the slightest though.

“This is our first date, Dean.” He retorted and Dean grinned and brought him closer, looking at Jo.

“See that, Jo? He said it. We're on a date.” Castiel stared at him without an expression and Dean ignored him and led him to a table.

***

“Did you have a good time?” Dean asked once they pulled to the curb near Castiel's apartment. Castiel nodded.

“I had a satisfactory date.” He looked down, feeling slightly flushed. “Thank you.”

“You're welcome. When do I get to kidnap you again?” Dean asked and Castiel looked up at him and gawked. He didn't realize that Dean would want to see him again. He really didn't know how to talk to people so the whole date was pretty quiet. But if Dean decided that he liked Castiel enough to go on another date, then who was he to stop him?

“Um... I am always free. I don't have friends.” Castiel said seriously and Dean flashed him a smile.

“That sounds so charming when you say it like that.” He teased and grabbed Castiel's knee again. “Even though you're a strange person to be around, I really do like being around you. Thank you for coming with me and I will text you soon.” Castiel nodded slowly.

“Yes. Text me when you get home.” He said and then felt like a stalker. “So I know you didn't flip your car and die.” He added and Dean just laughed.

“You sure know how to make a guy feel like a million bucks. I can't wait to see you.” He rubbed Castiel's knuckles, debating if he wanted to kiss him. But he chose not to and watched as Castiel slowly got out of the car and walk to the door.

Dean was too immersed in watching Castiel walk away, he didn't notice until he was out of sight that Castiel had left Christine on the floor of the car. He grabbed the book and ran to the door and opened it. He was thankful Castiel hadn't gotten too far because he never asked which apartment was his. He jogged over and called out his name and Castiel turned around.

“You left your book.” He held out the book and Castiel took it with a small smile.

“Thank you. I appreciate your concerns with not allowing me to part without it.” Dean nodded and his eyes lingered on Castiel for a while. “Are you well?”

“Yeah Cass. I'm fine... It's just... Can I kiss you?” He blurred out and Castiel looked more embarrassed than Dean did.

“You... want to kiss... _me_?” He seemed shocked and Dean raised an eyebrow.

“I took you on a date and this confuses you?” That made the gears in Castiel's mind reel. He looked back up and nodded his head.

“I find kissing you to be acceptable.” He decided and Dean stared at him with a soft smile.

“You're such a fucking weirdo, Cass.” He laughed as he leaned in and kissed Castiel chastely on the lips. Castiel tensed and at the same time eased into the kiss. It wasn't long. But long enough to make his heart race. Dean pulled away and looked at Castiel longingly before stroking his cheek softly with his thumb. “I'll catch you soon, huh?”

“Of course.” Castiel said quickly. “I will be awaiting it.”

“I hope so.” Dean scanned over Castiel's body and gave him a final grin. “Have a good night, Cass.”

It was Castiel's turn to watch Dean leave and he stood there in the hallway for a while just trying to register what had happened. All he knew was his stomach was fuzzy and so did his head. He felt like he ran a mile with what his heart was doing to him but even passed all the discomfort, for the first time in a long time Castiel didn't feel so alone anymore. He felt like someone wanted to be in his life. And that made him happy. He couldn't remember the last time he could truly say he was happy.

After about four minutes of standing there like he was brain dead, Castiel walked back up to his apartment and placed the book on the table next to his reading chair. He then sat down on his couch and leaned forward with his head in his hands and tried to make sense of how his body was reacting.

It didn't take very long for him to get a text message from Dean letting him know he was home safely. Castiel appreciated Dean listening to him and letting him know.

**So how was the kiss?**

Castiel noticed there was no winky face. He grew confused. Dean usually used those things to insinuate he was flirting. Did this mean that the kiss was awful and he didn't want to kiss him anymore? With a sudden rise in anxiety, Castiel held the phone in shaking hands.

**My first.**

He admitted. And almost instantly his phone blew up with messages from Dean.

**Are you serious!?**

**I was your first kiss??**

**Dude aren't you like my age??**

**That's adorable.**

**Am I making you uncomfortable? Sorry. I got excited at the chance to corrupt young minds.**

After reading through the messages it became apparent to Castiel that he didn't know much about Dean. Like his age, namely.

**Yes. As I've said before, no one's really shown interest. And I'm 22. It occurs to me now that we've never exchanged ages.**

While waiting for his reply, Castiel switched his seat to his reading chair and began where he started off in the book Dean wanted him to get references to. Hopefully after this, he will also be able to make puns and have Dean laugh at them.

**Oh, Cassie, that's so... upsetting. In a way. But it's okay. I'm here to make up for all of it ;) And 22? You're such a youngling. I'm 25. Old man over here.**

Twenty-five? Was that a large age difference? Castiel pondered the thought for a while until he decided he didn't care to know if three years was significant.

**Only Gabriel calls me Cassie and I don't like when he does it either. What exactly are you making up to me, anyway? Twenty-five? You are old.**

After reading almost a page his phone's screen brightened up again and he smiled slightly and picked his phone back up.

Oh man, so stick to Cas? I don't want the angel of thursday ruining my thursdays by pissing him off. I'm making up for lost time. You should've partied those years. And why the hell did you spell out 25? I'm old? You're old. You.. old.. old, you.

Castiel literally couldn't believe what he was reading. What the hell school did he attend and why did they teach him that insults like those were acceptable? And how did he not know the number rule?

**Yes. Cas would be better than Cassie. I will smite you. I don't feel the need to party. I spelled it out because that's what you're supposed to do if a number is at the beginning of the sentence. It's correct sentence structure. Please refrain from using such heinous name-calling. I believe I might be forced to make fun of you.**

He hoped he wasn't being too harsh. He was new to this whole... Dean thing. But talking to Dean made him happy and that's all that mattered. His phone lit up again and Castiel didn't realize how excited he was to read the message from Dean until he realized it was from Gabriel. He sighed.

“When will he run out of ideas for places to put these pickles..?” He sighed to himself and decided not to reply. He then got the message he was anticipating on.

**Oh baby, I've been naughty. Please smite me in the name of the lord. You're using correct sentence structure in your text messages? You're such a nerd. You nerd. Nerdy nerd.**

His phone began blaring loudly and when he examined the screen to see he was getting a phone call from his brother. He wanted to ignore it but he couldn't ignore them forever.

“Hello?” Loud noises from the other side. So loud Castiel pulled the phone away from his ear. “Are you even there?” More loud noises. Castiel sighed and hung up the phone. The one time he actually answered to speak to his brother, his brother butt-dialed him. Typical.

**I would rather be a nerd than whatever you are.**

That may have sounded harsh over text but it was thought of with lighthearted intentions.

**Ouch. You're mean when provoked. Well I have to get going to bed. I'll text you tomorrow. Don't let the bed bugs bite.**

He didn't respond to that message. Mainly because now he was paranoid that he had bugs in his bed. So he went to his room to inspect it. He didn't see any bugs. He didn't think he'd have them. He washed his sheets on a very regular basis. But what does he know? Dean seemed to have good intentions on keeping Castiel safe. He didn't want to just brush that aside. So for a half an hour Castiel looked for anything moving on his bed. And when he didn't find anything, he fell asleep, unbitten.  
Chapter four:

“So Castiel, how was the date last night. Anything... happen?” Gabriel asked with an obnoxious wink.

“It went well. Dean wants to go out again. I'm thinking of planning something this time.” Castiel admitted as he filled the pastry case with scones.

“Oh really? What are you thinking?” Gabriel asked with curiosity and Castiel shrugged.

“I've never planned an outing for me and and anyone else so I honestly have no clue. But I'm going to think of something.” Castiel promised to himself that he would take Dean on a great date since Dean was so good to him. The more he thought of Dean, the happier he became. Even if it didn't show on his face, Castiel was elated.

**Hey there stranger. How did you sleep?**

Getting a text from Dean was quite literally the highlight of his day. He was always excited when Dean messaged him. It told him Dean was thinking about him.

**I slept fine. I searched for those bed bugs but as it turns out I am safe.**

**You know, it wouldn't surprise me if you actually did look for them. But I'm glad you slept good.**

**I slept well. Superman does good.**

**I'm going to ignore you for a while until you sit down and think about what you did.**

Castiel frowned. Did he actually say something offensive? Maybe Dean didn't like being corrected? But why would someone not want to know the proper way to say things. Castiel wouldn't like to seem like a fool. He supposed not everyone else was like him though.

**I am sorry if I offended you.**

Castiel continued setting up the shop so they could open. Gabriel was in the back doing god knows what. Castiel didn't get a response message from Dean. He began to worry.

After everything was set up, Gabriel unlocked the door and switched the sign to opened and turned on the lights. It was Castiel's least favorite time. He liked the dark. It was comforting.

“So what are your plans for tonight?” Gabriel asked offhandedly.

“Um.. I don't believe anything. I will probably go home and read.” He decided and Gabriel rolled his eyes. “Is something wrong with reading?”

“No. Nothing is wrong with reading. There's something wrong with you though.” Gabriel teased with a smile. Castiel only stared at him emotionlessly. “You're no fun. What's eating you?”

“I think I have offended Dean. He has not responded to me.” Castiel admitted with a sigh.

“I'm sure you're big hunky man is fine. You're going to have to do a lot to offend him.” Gabriel promised and Castiel believed him. He was just upset because Dean was taking so long to reply. “Seriously, he's probably just busy at work or something.”

“But he doesn't start work until eight. It's six-thirty five.” Castiel replied with a frown. Gabriel patted him on the back.

“You're smitten and it's adorable.” Gabriel stood up properly and made himself some obnoxiously sweet drink as Castiel stared in a daze at his phone.  
***  
For a while the shop was so busy that Castiel didn't have time to dwell on the fact that he hadn't heard from Dean. Mornings were always busy. A lot of people came to the shop to get breakfast and some coffee on their way to work.

As Castiel was cutting a bagel for a customer, he heard a familiar voice call out his name. Castiel jerked his attention to behind him and didn't even notice he sliced his palm until he raised his arm to wave at Dean and saw Dean's smile disappear from his face.

Since Castiel was wearing gloves at the time, the blood pooled into the glove making it look much worse than it actually was. Although, it was a pretty bad cut.

“Oh my god, Castiel!” Gabriel pushed him away from the counter. “You're bleeding on this poor guy's bagel. That's not the topping he wanted.”

“Oh....” Castiel looked down at his hand. Now that he was paying attention to it, it hurt a lot more. “That hurts.”

“What the hell are you doing!?” Dean was at the counter, he didn't care that he cut the line. Castiel walked over to it and Dean grabbed his hand. The other customers retracted in disgust as Gabriel sanitized the area and worked on making the guy a new bagel.

“I got distracted I suppose...” Castiel admitted, looking annoyed at himself. Dean saw how deep the cut was and pulled out a rag from his pocket.

“This is going to need stitches.” He wrapped up Castiel's hand and instructed him to hold his arm above his head to stop it from bleeding so much.

“Go on. Get him fixed up. Chuck is due in any minute.” Gabriel insisted and Dean guided Castiel out of the cafe.

“I wanted to talk to you about the possibility of going on another date. This time I wanted to pick the place we went.” Dean stared at him with a small smile.

“You're bleeding everywhere and you're talking about dates? Don't worry Cas. You picked our next date. A hospital. Now come on.”

As embarrassed as Castiel was to make such an unfortunate mistake in front of Dean, he was happy that Dean cared enough about him to take him to the hospital. Even though he made him hold his arm above his head the whole time. He looked ridiculous and his arm was starting to burn and fall asleep all at once.

“Did you know that a hippo can open his mouth big enough to fit someone who is four feet tall?” Castiel decided to blur out to avoid any awkward atmosphere. It worked. Dean chuckled.

“Yeah? Is that so? Anything else you want to add there, buddy?” Castiel took this as a serious inquiry and thought for a couple seconds before responding.

“Most lipstick contains fish scales.” Castiel offered and Dean shook his head.

“Oh man, I need to slow down on the lipstick. That is just gross.” Castiel felt glad that he was able to make Dean smile, despite needing to get stitches. “We're here, Cas. Now get your ass out of the car and let's go.”

Castiel followed Dean to the ER with his hand comically held above his head. He couldn't even bleed like a normal person.

“My buddy here decided it was a good time to cut his hand open. He needs stitches. Think you can help us out?” Dean asked the nurse at the counter who stared over at Castiel.

“I don't believe the thought in my mind was ever to cut my hand open, thank you. You distracted me while I was using a freshly sharpened knife.” Castiel countered and Dean smirked.

“Was I so good looking you got distracted, Cas?” He teased and Castiel looked at him very seriously.

“I was just very excited to hear you. I thought you were mad at me.” He said honestly and Dean was confused at that statement but didn't have time to ask before the nurse started handing him paperwork to fill out.

“Whoa whoa whoa, can't he get some help before all this? Do you want him to bleed all over the papers?” Castiel reached for the papers, arm still in the air. Only now he didn't have another hand putting pressure on it so blood was just trickling down his arm making his shirt red. “No no. You make sure you don't infect the hospital with your blood. I'll fill this out just tell me what to write.”

“Coming from someone who can't use proper sentence structure...” Castiel said pointedly and Dean glowered.

“Or you can write it with your blood, fine with me...” Castiel followed Dean to some chairs and gave him information he wouldn't give anyone else. By the end of this “date” Dean would know more about his medical history than anyone else.

“You never told me diabetes ran in your family.” Dean noted and Castiel raised an eyebrow.

“Why would I disclose that information with you on our first date?” He asked and Dean smiled.

“Well at least you disclosed it on our second. See? We're practically dating.” Castiel's heart did this weird jumping like feeling and for a second he was breathless at Dean's comment. He was again reminded that there was someone in the world who wanted to be with him. That was the greatest feeling he could ever ask for. “You have asthma too?”

“And anxiety.” Castiel nodded and Dean just shook his head and laughed.

“Cas, you're doing SUCH a good job of turning me on right now. Please just add to the mix that you have ED. I don't think I could be more hot and bothered.” Castiel could tell Dean was teasing him but he tensed up regardless. ED? Erectile Dysfunction? Castiel honestly couldn't say if he knew he had ED. He never looked into it. “...Do you?”

“I can honestly tell you, I have no idea.” Well that was a better answer than yes. “But with my anxiety pills I could say that it is a possibility."

“...” Dean just stared at Castiel who looked back innocently. “Cas, you are so lucky I like you despite your weirdness.”

“You said weird was good.” Castiel reminded and Dean kissed Castiel's forehead.

“Weird is very good. Never boring.”

***

“And please, Mr. Novak. Don't cut open your hand again.” The doctor scolded playfully.

“And by that he means control your excitement to see me. I know I'm hot, but I didn't know I caused injuries.” Dean chided with a devilish grin.

“... I will have you know, I am no longer considering this our second date.” Castiel said it with so much conviction that he thought he was going to hurt Dean's feelings by saying that a hospital trip that made both of them miss work wasn't a date, that Dean just started laughing.

“Okay Cas. I'm upset by your decision. I for one, found the smell of rubbing alcohol and sick people to be very romantic.” Dean ran his fingers through Castiel's hair. “How about we go out to wherever you want to go and call it our second date? We're both out of work now. Might as well..” Castiel nodded and Dean guided him out of the hospital.

When they were in the car, Castiel couldn't help but feel bad about what he said earlier. He thought about how mean it could've sounded.

“Dean, I know since it upset you so badly, I'm willing to reevaluate my previous statement. You can consider the hospital trip as our second date. I will allow it.” Castiel said, sounding proud of himself. Dean just turned to him and couldn't believe what he was hearing. He knew Castiel was dense. But this was just amazing. It was at that moment that Dean knew he wanted to be with Castiel for a long time. He couldn't remember the last time he laughed that hard.

***

“This is it?” Dean deadpanned. Castiel nodded with a small smile. “You're taking me to a bookstore for our second-”

“-third-”

“-third date?” Castiel turned to Dean with a furrowed brow. He seemed disappointed.

“Do you not like it?” Dean suddenly realized that Castiel clearly put thought into this and was proud of himself for thinking of a date location. So despite Dean not caring for books, he put on a smile and said,

“No Cas. This is great.” Despite the fact that he was lying, he felt good about it because he could feel Castiel's excitement now.

“Come on.” Castiel hurried out of the car and Dean realized how ridiculous he looked. He was STILL in his full uniform. Hat and apron and all. And his shirt was covered in blood on his left side from cutting his hand.

“Wait Cas, get your butt over here.” Dean leaned in the back of his car and pulled up a black Metallica t-shirt. “Just change your shirt.” Castiel looked down at his clothes and decided that would be a better idea. He had a hard time getting off his shirt since he had his left hand wrapped up and couldn't really move it. Then Dean started helping him undress in the middle of the parking lot. It must've been a sight to see.

“Thank you, Dean.” Castiel said once his hat, apron and white polo were off. Dean noticed how little Castiel was at that point. He was real skinny and barely had any muscle defining features. But it made him all the more precious.

Dean didn't realize he was holding his breath when Castiel put on his shirt until Castiel looked up, with his hat hair and his big blue eyes and asked if he looked okay. Dean wasn't a big guy but Castiel seemed to swim in his shirt. It was baggy on him.

“Perfect.” Dean breathed out and cupped Castiel's cheek. “Just perfect.” After a moment of shared silence, Dean broke the gaze and just smiled at Castiel. “Now let's get to your bookstore and read together, you nerd.”

“They have a cafe too.” Castiel added and Dean put his arm around Castiel's shoulders.

“Now you're trying to sell the place? After I already agreed to go?” Dean teased and Castiel looked over at Dean and slowly brought his uninjured hand to meet Dean's. Yeah, he could get used to this.

## Chapter five:

After the whole cutting his hand open incident, the owner, Chuck, told Castiel to take a few days off until his hand felt better. Castiel had of course felt bad because it was all his fault and Chuck was even paying for his hospital visit. He was thankful he had such a nice boss.

Due to Castiel's very limited time out, he had enough money saved up in the bank to stay out of work for even a couple months if he really wanted to. He just didn't want to. Plus, the cheapness of his very rundown apartment helped him save up more money and so did his countless hours of overtime since Castiel normally took shifts that needed to be covered. He was the only one who never requested time off.

There was suddenly a loud knocking at the door and Castiel practically flew over to it to open it. Standing there, in all his glory, was Dean and a bag of stuff. Castiel stepped aside letting Dean walk into his apartment.

“Thank you.” Castiel took the bag from Dean's hands and brought it over to his coffee table. Dean wondered around looking at Castiel's apartment.

“Damn Cas, I knew you were short but this is a dwarf's apartment.” He called out from the bathroom and Castiel frowned. He didn't think he was that short. He was taller than Gabriel and Chuck, at least. “You need to get a new apartment.”

“This one is cheap and comfortable.” Castiel countered and Dean scanned the room and noticed all the imperfections and nodded.

“Yeah. Looks... very comfortable.” Castiel frowned at the thought of Dean making fun of his apartment. Did that mean he was making fun of him?

Dean sat down on the couch right next to Castiel and looked around confused. It took a while for Castiel to notice.

“What are you looking for?” He asked quietly and Dean turned to him looking lost.

“You don't have a TV?” He asked, incredulously.

“Dean, I read. A lot.” He indicated the large bookshelf filled with hardcover novels. “I've read everything on that bookshelf.”

“Oh my god.” Dean looked in amazement. “You ARE a nerd.” Castiel pursed his lips and Dean put his hands up defensively with a smile. “Kidding... not really. But the less mean version of calling you a nerd. Not to be offensive or anything.”

“You're really helping your case, aren't you?” Castiel mumbled, turning away and Dean swatted at him and started pulling out contents from the bag he brought. “What did you get?”

“I got us dinner, honey.” He answered and pulled out containers of Chinese food.

“You didn't have to do that...” Castiel was very touched at the gesture and a small smile tugged on his lips.

“Don't thank me yet. You have to eat it with chopsticks. I didn't grab plastic ware.” Dean warned and Castiel tilted his head to the side.

“But Dean, we're in my apartment. I have forks-” Dean shushed Castiel and covered his mouth and kept shushing him. He then pet him and handed him the chopsticks.

“We _only_ have chopsticks.” He reiterated and Castiel sighed softly and looked down at his dish that had rice in it.

“I've never used chopsticks...” He admitted quietly and Dean practically giggled and pulled out chopsticks with a rubber band and an extra piece of wood.

“Don't worry. I got us kiddy chopsticks. They're chopsticks for unfunctioning people like us.”

“I believe the word you're looking for is nonfunctional or disfunctional.”

 _“I believe the word you're looking for is nonfunctional or disfunctional.”_ Dean mocked and sent a playful glare at Castiel. Castiel laughed, not a real laugh, but a small smile and he blew more air out of his nose than usual.

*

“I believe I've been _very_ patient with you, Cas.” Dean said out of nowhere and Castiel looked over at him. They had been laying on the couch, kind of cuddling but really awkwardly because Castiel didn't know how to cuddle like a normal person.

“What do you mean?”

“We've been on _four_ dates. And one included you telling me about your medical history. And one included me reading. I read a book for you.” Castiel was bemused.

“What are you getting at?” He asked slowly. Dean pinched Castiel's chin and stared at him for a while.

“You're going to have to give into me eventually...” He whispered and Castiel shivered but was more lost than ever.

“Give into you how?” Dean leaned in painfully slowly. They gazed into each other's half-lidded eyes. Castiel could feel Dean's breath on his face and he got that warm fuzzy feeling. The closer Dean got to his face, the more chills he got, his arms covered in goose bumps. Castiel closed his eyes and for the first time, moved in the rest of the way to kiss Dean. Even though they had kissed before there was something different about this one. Castiel's stomach tightened with excitement and he shivered so much he arched his back, pressing himself closer to Dean. Dean broke the kiss a couple seconds later, they were both a bit shaky, as most people are after a kiss from someone they like. Dean pressed his forehead to Castiel's.

“By being _mine_.” His voice was a low growl and Castiel felt a whimper leave his lips and he nodded at Dean, staring at him wide-eyed.

“I'm yours.” He agreed and Dean leaned down for another kiss.

They both got more aggressive with their kissing. Castiel was following Dean's lead, having never made out with anyone before. The kiss made him feel like he could float away and be happy forever. Like there was nothing wrong with anything in the world. Like no moment before this moment mattered. Just them, locking lips on the couch Castiel had since moving out of his brother's house so many years ago. No memories on this couch mattered except the one that they were making.

Dean had his hand tightly holding the back of Castiel's neck, propping him up more since his kisses kept forcing his head further down in the couch. Castiel's arms were on Dean's neck pulling him closer. The noises that escaped their lips should be noted as completely sinful.

Dean pulled away again, trying to calm himself down. And with a simpering grin, he leaned in and whispered into Castiel's ear.

“No Cas. You don't have ED.”

***

A few days had come and gone and Castiel was growing more and more obsessed with his boyfriend, Dean. He let Dean talk all the time because he wanted to know _everything_ there was about him. He wanted to know his favorite color, animal, plant, fruit, vegetable, how many strands of hair he had on his body. If it had to do with Dean, Castiel was eager to learn.

Everything Dean did was special to him. Dean could bring him a cup of coffee on his way over and Castiel would cherish it (internally) like it was a gift from god. He could not stop thinking about Dean. That was his every other thought. He couldn't concentrate on reading. He was too anxious about when Dean would be over or when Dean would pick him up. He would look at his phone constantly and he now adapted to having restless leg syndrome.

He finally got his much anticipated call from Dean and his heart jumped and he forgot how to breathe properly. That aside, he answered anyway.

“Hey Cas! How is my little gimpy doing on his day off?”

“I'm trying to read.”

“Of course you are.” Dean sounded amused. “Anyway, I wanted to tell you I can't make it over right after work. My brother is coming up and I want him to get situated in my apartment first.” Castiel didn't know how he felt about that. All he knew was his stomach was bubbling and his heart felt like it was on fire. But he breathed out and struggled to find words anyway.

“That's fine. I was going to try to finish this book anyway.” Castiel said, if he actually had emotion in his voice, he knew it would sound disappointed.

“There's my little nerd. Sammy is just going to love you when he meets you.”

“I'm going to meet your brother?” Castiel inquired. He had no idea they were that serious but it felt nice anyway.

“Of course. If you want to, that is. Just not tonight. He's been in the car for like ten hours and he wants to go to bed.” Castiel nodded even though they were on the phone and Dean couldn't hear him. “I can't hear you nod, Cas.”

“Oh sorry. I nodded.” Castiel informed him formally and Dean shook his head on the other line. “I can't hear you shake your head.” Castiel retorted.

“Oh sorry. I shook my head. Excessively.”

“So when do I see you again?” Castiel asked, hoping he didn't sound too clingy.

“Maybe tonight, probably tomorrow. I'll let you know once Sammy gets in. I'm still at work so I won't know until I leave at five.”

“Okay. Well.. Just let me know. I probably won't move.”

“You're in your reading chair again?”

“Yes.”

“I knew it. Anyway, I'll let you go. Finish your book. I have to finish doing a car inspection. I just wanted to give you a heads up.”

“Thank you. I will see you when I see you.” Dean hung up the phone and Castiel stared down at his phone. “Why didn't he say goodbye though?”

***

To say he was bored was an understatement. Castiel didn't realize how used to Dean being around he was until Dean wasn't there. Couldn't Dean bring Sam to Castiel's apartment so he didn't have to be so alone?

Castiel's phone vibrated and his excitement got the best of him. He wasn't even disappointed to find that it was from Gabriel with a picture of a pickle in a banana hammock. At least it was interaction.

That's when Castiel did something he never thought he'd do. He picked up the phone and called his older brother.

“Hello?” The phone was answered on the third ring.

“Hey... Are you busy?” Castiel asked, surprising himself at his tone. He sounded needy.

“Are you dying? Are you being held hostage? What's up?” Castiel was debating on if calling Lucifer was a good idea.

“No. No. Nothing. I just needed someone to interact with.” Castiel replied honestly.

“Yeah, I'll be over no problem. But please tell me you got a TV now. Because I'm not doing this whole book club bullshit on my day off.” Castiel thought for a moment.

“No I don't have a TV. Perhaps you can help me get one?” He again, shocked himself. Why did he want a TV? Did he think that by getting a TV Dean would come over more frequently? Well.. maybe.

“I am coming over ASAP with a thermometer and a therapist.” Lucifer then hung up and Castiel looked at the phone again, sadly.

“No one says goodbye...”

***

“Yes. That's perfect. Looks amazing.” Lucifer said proudly after they put the TV up. They had to clear a shelf of books to place the TV somewhere but Castiel just stacked the books next to his other bookshelf. He silently reminded himself to get another bookshelf because he knew he was going to need it. “It really spices the place up.” Lucifer ran his fingers down the flatscreen TV. It was 27” flatscreen smart TV. “Now let's hook it up to wifi.”

“Wifi?”

“You don't have wifi?? Why the hell did you get the smart tv if you don't have wifi?”

“I believe you picked out the tv.”

“Okay who's your cable provider?”

“I don't have cable. I just got the TV.”

“...Do you have a DVD/bluray player?”

“No. I just got a TV.” Lucifer stared at Castiel in awe.

“...Let me get this straight. You bought a TV. With NO cable. NO DVD/bluray player. And NO wifi?” Castiel nodded slowly. “What the hell are you going to do with it? Make it a backdrop for puppet shows?”

“...I realize my mistake.” Lucifer huffed and rolled his eyes and picked up his phone. “What are you doing?”

“Getting you some damn cable and internet.”

## Chapter six:

After Lucifer left, Castiel called Dean immediately. He was very excited to share the news. And after Lucifer set up a date for the cable company to come over, they went back out to get Castiel a system so he could watch movies. Since before his TV has the impressive capability to turn on and that's it.

“Cas!” Came the voice on the other line. Castiel perked up even more.

“Dean. I obtained a television set.”

“Really? Wow. I can't believe you of all people finally got with the new age of life. Congratulations on upgrading from your cave.” Dean chuckled. “So you start watching anything yet?”

“Oh, no. I don't have cable.”

“You have a DVD player?”

“Yes I just bought it.”

“Oh awesome. So what movies do you have?” This made Castiel panic. Clearly he didn't understand how this whole TV thing worked.

“I... don't have any movies.” Castiel admitted quietly and Dean stayed silent.

“So let me get this straight. You got a TV and a DVD player but you don't have cable or DVD's?” Castiel frowned.

“...I have realized my mistake.”

***

“I can't believe you're back already, buddy! I missed you!” Castiel gave a small smile to the very hyper Gabriel. “Even though you have a shift that even a minor would be bored of. Two WHOLE hours. Wow. You're really reeling in the big bucks, aren't you?”

“Chuck thought it was unwise for me to come back to work full time until he feels my hand is better.” Castiel stared at his covered hand. “It is not better yet.”

“So I'm going to guess that I have to do the freezer count?” Castiel shook his head.

“No. I'm right handed. I can do the orders. It's probably the only thing I'm useful for. I can't grab things very well. It hurts my hand.”

“Well sorry about that, buddy. You bring a jacket?”

“No. I didn't realize it was Wednesday.” Gabriel shook his head and handed Castiel the clipboard and a pen.

“Well aren't you just a silly duckling. Sorry, I don't have mine either. But I bet you'll have fun in there.” Castiel sighed and walked into the back and opened the freezer and shivered instantly. He hated being cold but it was his own fault for not bringing a jacket. He figured he didn't need one since he was working for two hours. He wouldn't be stuck until it was dark and cold outside.

By the time Castiel finished the list, his lips were paler than usual and his hands and nose were bright red.

He walked to the front shivering, wanting to be next to the ovens and noticed that Dean was there having a conversation with Gabriel. He had a cup of coffee in his hands and Castiel was upset. He wanted to make Dean's coffee. Why didn't Gabriel come get him? Why didn't Dean tell him he would be coming over so he wasn't in a freezer?

“Cas. Hey.” Dean smiled over at Castiel and the smile faded into concern when he saw Castiel was violently shaking. “Are you okay?” He put his coffee down on the counter and walked over to him.

“He was just in the freezer.” Gabriel notified Dean who took off his jacket and draped it on Castiel's shoulders and pulled him in for a hug, trying to stop the shivering. Suddenly Castiel's annoyance faded away and all that mattered was he had the scent of Dean overwhelming his senses.

“Why are you here?” Castiel asked through chattering teeth.

“Because it's your first day back. I wanted to see if you were doing okay with your hand there. Are you?”

“I'm fine. But I do appreciate your concern greatly.” Dean smiled and hugged Castiel again.

“You can keep the jacket. For now. Do you think you can meet me at the shop after I get out of work? You can meet Sammy...” Dean offered and Castiel sighed and Dean pulled away. “What's wrong?”

“I don't own a car.” He admitted sadly.

“You don't? Since when?”

“I've never owned a car.”

“Cassie is afraid to drive!” Gabriel explained loudly from across the cafe. Castiel glared at him. Gabriel wasn't deterred. “Always has been. I pick him up and drive him home when the weather is bad.” It made sense to Dean that Castiel didn't drive. It just seemed to fit his personality.

“I can teach you. If you want. Just not in my baby.” He grinned and Castiel shrugged and looked away, feeling ashamed.

“I don't believe you can teach me. I don't like driving.” Dean accepted it and ruffled Castiel's hair.

“It's fine, Cas. I will be your chauffeur. But my shop is probably like... seven blocks from here. I could always pick you up from home though.”

“No. It's fine. I'll walk. I like walking.” Castiel said quickly. He didn't want to feel rude.

“So I'll pick you up at six-thirty? Okay? Sounds like a plan. Good. Bye.” Dean gave Castiel a tight hug and left in a hurry. Castiel stared at the door with a sigh.

*

It was 5:37 and Castiel was prepared to walk to Dean's shop. He figured if he got there early enough, he wouldn't have to make Dean drive extra. He was getting his things in order. Making sure he had his wallet and coat, as well as Dean's coat from earlier. Once he was satisfied, he left the building.

Castiel didn't get far when a black Impala pulled up to the sidewalk with Dean grinning while sitting behind the wheel.

“Dean.” Castiel said in amazement and walked over to the door. “What are you doing here? You're an hour early.”

“I know. I knew you'd try to walk to the shop so I told you the wrong time on purpose.” Dean gave him a cheeky smile and Castiel glared at him before climbing into the car that he had gotten so used to. “Why aren't you wearing my jacket?”

“Because I needed to give it back to you.” Castiel said simply and handed it to Dean. “Why are you staring at me like that?”

“Why are you giving me my clothes back?” Dean looked playfully annoyed and that's when Castiel unbuttoned his tan jacket to reveal he was sporting Dean's Metallica shirt and that shut him up with a smile. He grabbed Castiel's hand and gave it a squeeze.

“So what are our plans with your brother?” It is an innocent enough question. However, with the lack of emotion and the roughness of Castiel's voice, it sounded like they were on their way to murder him painfully. Dean ignored the thought since if he made a joke about it, Castiel wouldn't understand it anyway.

“We're meeting him at my friend Ellen's bar.” Castiel nodded at the information.

“Why aren't we just going back to your apartment?” He asked, truly confused. Dean smirked at him.

“Why are you so excited to get to my apartment, Cas? You want me?” Dean winked and Castiel's facial structure stayed the same.

“Sometimes, yes.” Castiel answered and Dean was at a loss. He liked the fact that Castiel admitted it. But he missed when Castiel got flustered. He'd just have to try harder.

“Well... good. Because you should... I'm wantable.” Dean gestured himself and sat with poise.

“Yes.” Castiel nodded and Dean pursed his lips at the lack of response. “Dean, why are we going to a bar anyway?”

“Because I like it there?”

“You drink?”

“Of course I do? I'm breathing. Therefore I drink.” Castiel didn't know how he felt about that but ignored the gnawing feeling in his stomach. “Don't you?”

“I never really had the want to sit in my apartment and drink by myself..” Castiel said quietly while his eyes stayed looking at his feet. Dean knew that Castiel was lonely. He could see it even when they met. He just never realized that the poor bastard never even had a drink because he was too alone. Didn't people drink when they were alone? Why didn't Cas?

“Well now you have two drinking buddies.” Dean put extra emphasis by holding up two fingers.

“Thank you. It is what I always wanted.” Dean rolled his eyes.

*

“Come on Cas! You got this! Chug! Chug! Chug!” Castiel slammed his glass down but saw Dean's dismay and Sam jumped up and laughed with pride. “Cas! You were supposed to drink it faster than Sam. Not slower!”

“As well and good as that is, I think I might throw up now.” Castiel covered his mouth and stumbled around the bar, rushing to the bathroom.

“Dean.” Sam looked over at his brother. “Why did one beer make Castiel want to vomit everywhere?”

“Don't judge him. It's his first alcoholic beverage. He'll get used to it.” Dean assured and Sam gaped at him.

“His first drink? And you made him chug it?” Sam asked in amazement and Dean wrinkled his nose and looked away.

“I didn't make him do anything. I just told him to and he did. Not my fault. The kids a trooper.”

“Yeah. Sure.” Sam sat down and sighed and gave Dean his famous bitch face.

“Alright. Alright. I'm going to check on him...”

***

Castiel threw up. And tried so hard to impress Dean that he tried to drink again. The whole night was an awful vicious circle. Castiel would drink (too fast), throw it up and do it all over again.

Somehow though, he was pretty buzzed when they were leaving. He was giggling and clinging to Dean like he was going to die.

“I feel like I'm at my first high school party.” Dean said to Sam who was just watching Castiel in amusement.

*

Dean got Castiel up to his apartment and Castiel kept stumbling backwards and bumping into Dean.

“Alright, I'm going to go home.” Dean said softly to Castiel who gave him the most heartbroken face. “What's wrong?” Castiel tumbled into Dean's arms and nuzzled up to his chest.

“I will miss you.” Dean chuckled and wrapped his arm around the drunken man in front of him. “You should stay.”

“I should?” Dean smirked and Castiel looked up at him with his big blue eyes.

“I think you should.” He said quietly and Dean kissed his forehead and Castiel went to kiss him and Dean stopped. “What did I do?”

“You, my friend are going to go brush your teeth. You've thrown up like 17 times today.” Castiel's eyebrows furrowed together and he huffed and walked to the bathroom. Dean wasn't surprised to hear that he had an electronic toothbrush.

Castiel was ready for bed and ran into his bedroom calling for Dean to come with him. After a quick text to Sam, Dean slid his phone in his pocket and walked into the bedroom.

“I'm here Cas...” Castiel smiled warmly and Dean slid into the bed next to Castiel and held him close. Castiel tried to get closer even though it was practically impossible. The two stayed entwined for a while, listening to each other breath and Castiel listened closely to Dean's beating heart. He felt at home. He finally felt comfortable.

“No one ever stays with me like this...” Castiel whispered.

“I hope they won't, especially now.” Dean kissed Castiel lightly. “Because you're kind of taken.” Castiel glowed with pride and kissed Dean back enthusiastically. “Does that make you happy?” Castiel nodded and both of them rest their heads down and watched each other by the light from the street lamps outside. Dean leaned in to kiss Castiel again and Castiel stopped him. “What?” Castiel seemed bothered. He climbed out of bed.

“I always sleep on the left side.” Dean shifted over with a playful huff.

## Chapter seven:

Castiel woke up rather alarmed. He had no clue as to why his head was throbbing, his mouth was dry and everything hurt.

“So sleeping beauty is awake, huh?” He jerked his body and stared at Dean wide-eyed. “Relax, princess. I'm not here to steal your virtue. You were very demanding that I stayed here last night.” Castiel turned pink and looked away trying to fix his hair. He probably looked like the complete opposite of presentable. “Calm down.” Dean pulled Castiel back onto his chest. Castiel relaxed instantly. Dean smiled. “So, angel. What would you like to do today? I'm all yours.” Castiel's excitement was so high it burned through his veins.

“I would like to take a shower.” Dean smiled at him and nodded. “Would you like to take a shower as well?”

“Are you inviting me with you?” Dean teased seductively against Castiel's cheek. Dean could feel Castiel tense beneath him and relished in it. “Or would you rather be alone.” Shivers were sent down Castiel's spine and his breathing hitched. He barely knew what he was feeling. All he knew was it was somehow pleasant.

“As gratifying as that would be, I feel too gross right now.” As the words came out, Castiel wondered if he actually wanted Dean to be with him in the shower. And after he said it, Dean tried to hide his disappointment.

Castiel left to the bathroom and Dean heard the shower turn on. He looked around Castiel's room absentmindedly and noticed Castiel's towels were neatly folded on a chair in the corner. Dean wondered if Castiel had more towels in the bathroom but on a whim he decided to do something he used to do for Sam when he was younger.

He grabbed a towel and walked over to the dryer and threw it in, turned on the dryer and leaned against it, carefully listening to the water running in the bathroom as he played on his phone.

*

When Castiel got out of the shower he looked down and saw that there was a towel folded on the top of the toilet. He was confused because he never put towels there but when he picked it up he felt the warmth and smiled at it.

***

“I need to get up for work...” Castiel grumbled sleepily at Dean who had him in the the tightest bear hug he ever had.

“No. Call out. Tell them you're sick.” Dean said, the tiredness apparent in his raspy voice. “Lay down, cuddle with me and let's sleep until it's a normal person hour.”

“I want to...” Dean held Castiel tighter and kissed his neck. “Dean...”

“I know. You want to go to work for some strange reason. At 4:30 in the morning.” Castiel chuckled quietly.

“Yes, but I get out earlier than you.” He countered and Dean grunted.

“When you stay on a normal 8 hour shift, yes. But you have the tendency to stay until _I_ get out of work.”

“There's really not much for me to do...” Castiel felt his body relax considerably. He was so exhausted. Dean made him watch a movie marathon until almost midnight.

“I know...” Dean started to fall back asleep with his death grip still on Castiel.

A few more minutes couldn't hurt...

***

“Cas! Wake up!” Castiel's eyes popped open and he looked at the clock.

“Damn it...” He closed his eyes and tried to diminish his anger. He was a half an hour late for work. “I'm going to smite you...”

“I would love you to try.” Dean winked, now more awake after the panic. Castiel pushed himself out of bed and got ready for the day.

***

“Sooo what are you wearing?” Dean asked seductively over the phone. He heard Castiel sigh.

“A sexy garment of clothing.” He said dryly and Dean scoffed.

“You're so not good at this. Anyway, do you mind if Sammy and I swing by tonight?” Castiel perked up. He normally didn't see Dean on Wednesdays. It was usually the weekend and Monday occasionally.

“For dinner?”

“If you wanna cook. We're god awful at it.” Castiel heard a voice yell “Hey, speak for yourself.” Dean chuckled. “Yeah Sammy, you make a mean oatmeal.” “Oatmeal is _healthy_ , Dean. I care about my body.” “You're such a woman.”

“Sounds like you guys are getting along better...” Castiel mused and Dean sent a glare at Sam who bitch-faced him back.

“Bitch.” “Jerk.”

“I will go get dinner started and you can come over whenever.” Dean made a noise, assuring he heard what Castiel said and hung up right after that. Castiel stared at the phone with pursed lips and sighed. He needed to teach Dean manners.

Castiel turned on his TV. For some reason his TV did this weird thing where it turned on the music station and no matter what button he pressed, the screen came up with '????' and stayed on the channel. So Castiel had been listening to music with his TV and nothing else. At least he liked the song. It was called “The Scientist” and Castiel found himself humming it very frequently (because he couldn't sing for shit).

Castiel and Dean had been officially seeing each other for about 5 weeks. They had been the greatest few weeks of his life. It was also pretty nice because he gained another friend. Sam. Sam was a great friend to Castiel and they liked each other. Castiel felt so blessed for finding these two.

About an hour later Dean and Sam walked through the door. Castiel didn't mind that they didn't knock anymore. It gave him less to worry about.

“Cas! We brought beer!” Dean shouted across the apartment like Castiel wasn't ten feet away.

“And we're cutting you off if you throw up.” Sam added with a laugh. Castiel sighed. He was never going to live that one down.

“What are you making me, angel?” Dean asked, walking behind Castiel and kissing his cheek.

“I made salad-”

“-UGH-”

“-for Sam and I, along with garlic asparagus and steaks.”

“Oh thank god you made steak. I'll have that, you losers can have the salad.” Dean proclaimed and grabbed the plate of steaks. But secretly, he was really happy that Castiel tried his best to make things that both him and Sam would like. And that alone made him smile.

“You're making the table first.” Castiel said stoically and Dean cursed under his breath.

“Fine but that means we're watching Star Wars tonight.” Dean countered and Sam sighed loudly.

“Seriously? Again? Do you have any other movies you want to binge watch?”

“Listen, Bitch. I watch what I want.” Dean countered and Sam responded with a sour look.

“Jerk.” Dean smiled as though he'd won the argument and looked around the cabinets for the plates and very slowly set the table. He knew Castiel had this weird OCD thing and if everything wasn't aligned _just_ right, he would have an anxiety attack. Seriously. It's happened before. Dean didn't want to deal with that right now. Or ever again.

It got to be so bad that Dean actually started to bring measuring tape with him to make sure everything was where it needed to be. Castiel appreciated the dedication and Sam just made fun of Dean every time he did it.

“So, Sam. When is Jess coming down?” Castiel inquired and Sam turned to him and shrugged.

“No clue. She's visiting family right now. But she should be here within the week.” He answered and Castiel nodded. Castiel had never met Jess, but he's heard nothing but good things about her so a part of him was excited to meet her. Another part was slightly jealous, he just got Sam to be his friend and he honestly didn't want to lose him. He knew he wasn't going to _lose_ Sam forever. But with Jess there, he would certainly be distracted and Castiel didn't want Sam to stop hanging out with him.

Castiel had some serious abandonment issues.

There was a loud knock at his door and Castiel stood up straight. Dean looked at the door confused.

“Did you invite over more people?” He asked and Castiel shook his head, confused himself. He walked over and when he opened the door, Dean was right behind him. And there in all his glory was Lucifer.

“Oh look. Castiel made some friends. Goodie.” He stepped in the apartment without Castiel inviting him and Dean didn't know how to feel about this stranger barging into Castiel's apartment. “I will venture a guess that Castiel hadn't mentioned me?”

“I have.” Castiel said, eyes narrowed. “What makes you think I'd hide you?” Okay, Dean was really confused. He didn't recall Castiel telling him about another guy.

“Because. You're secretive.” Lucifer stated simply. “My name is Lucifer. I am Castiel's older brother.” Dean's expression changed from annoyance to interested. “You must be Dean. Castiel had mentioned you...” Lucifer's eyes trailed to the doorway to the kitchen, where Sam stood, practically hunched over to fit in the door frame. “I don't believe I know this gentleman.”

“That is Sam. Dean's brother. He is my friend.” Castiel answered evenly. Lucifer smiled widely.

“This is great. You have _two_ friends.” If it were anyone but Castiel, Dean would assume that was an insult. But Lucifer seemed to approve of the fact that his brother had friends. Which made him think about how awful Castiel's upbringing must've been for his brother to realize that he was lonely and Dean had never seen Castiel with him. If Sam was lonely Dean would be with him every day.

“I have three. Gabriel is my friend.” Castiel said proudly and Dean found amusement in the way Castiel held his friends. He was very proud to have friends and the realization hit him again and Dean just frowned. Poor Cas.

“So, I wanted to visit my baby brother and it turns out I already have people keeping him company...” Lucifer pondered out loud. “Should I take my leave?”

“No. You can stay for dinner.” Castiel turned to Dean. “Can you make a placement setting for one more?” Dean sighed and pulled out his measuring tape and walked to the kitchen.

***

Once they settled down for dinner, they found themselves to be put in a comfortable atmosphere despite having a new addition to their group. Lucifer deemed to be quite entertaining when he wanted to be and had an odd obsession with Sam. Dean cleared his throat after a couple minutes of silence and Castiel looked up at him in wonder. Dean turned to Sam who nodded with a smile and Dean nodded back and looked at Castiel again.

“Castiel, Sam and I have something we wanted to ask you. We were going to wait but as it turns out, Jess will be here sooner than later.” Dean started.

“Yeah, and Dean has been great with letting me crash at his place” Castiel then realized he still had never seen Dean's apartment. That made him frown. “But only I can sleep on the couch. There isn't room for Jess.” He looked at Dean so Dean knew it was his turn to talk.

“So Sammy and I have been looking into bigger places and we found a nice apartment with three bedrooms, two bathrooms; both of which have a much better shower than yours does, sorry. A laundry room, pretty much the works. We were just wondering... Are you interested?” Castiel's heart sped up and his face flushed. Dean was asking him to move in with him. Was this supposed to happen? It's only been a bit over a month. They hadn't even seen each other naked yet (which was on Castiel, but still). And now they would be moving in together??

Castiel stared down at the table. He would be with Dean, Sam and Jess. All the time. He would have times to sit in the living room with _friends_ whenever he wanted. He could see Dean _all the time_. They could make dinner _every_ night.

“You don't have to if you're uncomfortable--” Sam started.

“-No. I want to. When do we move?” Castiel noticed the huge grin on Dean's face and Lucifer eyed him suspiciously.

“I want to see the apartment first.” He said and Dean nodded, too busy basking in the happiness that they were all going to be together. It was going to be awesome.

Castiel's mind was still reeling and he had to keep catching his breath. But it was a great feeling. He was going to be happy. Finally. And he could go to bed every night knowing Dean was near him. That's all he could ever ask for.

“What's the third bedroom for?” Castiel asked, Sam grinned, Dean frowned.

“We're turning it into a library.” That made Castiel all the more excited.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the last group of chapters as a humor story. After these it gets a tad bit darker.

## Chapter eight:

“You're packed already?” Dean said, impressed.

“You told me to be ready today.” Castiel replied stiffly, like he was embarrassed that he wasn't in on a joke.

“That's cute. You listen to me. Sammy just rolls his eyes.” Dean pulled Castiel into a hug. “Don't suppose your bed is packed already?” Dean purred and Castiel's face turned bright red. Dean smiled at that. “I love when you get all shy.”

“Shut up, you... assbutt.” Castiel said defiantly and Dean snorted and covered his mouth. “What?”

“Assbutt? That's your clever insult?”

“Let's see you do one better, assbutt.” Castiel narrowed his eyes and Dean just stood there with a grin and kissed Castiel. Even after a month and change, Castiel was surprised to feel Dean's lips on his.

“Whoa, my virgin eyes didn't need to see that!” Sam exclaimed and Castiel pulled away, completely flushed.

“Yeah, I'm sure you are a virgin, too Sammy.” Dean said with a glare. Sam smiled.

“Dean, _I'm_ a virgin.” Castiel whispered to Dean who covered his mouth.

“I know, Cas. We do have sex all the time.” Castiel shoved him and Dean grabbed Castiel's arm and they both fell onto the floor. “Abuse! He's abusing me!”

“Yeah I'm sure. Anyway, you guys ready? Can we start loading the car? Jess will be there soon and I want to make sure we're there for her.”

***

Castiel finally met the famous Jess. Sam and Dean had talked about how great she was and Castiel had to agree. He hoped he would become close friends with her too. She was very nice and she even liked reading. It turns out, the only one who wouldn't like the library room was Dean. They all had books to add to the room and the more books Jess and Sam stocked on the shelves, the more excited Castiel got to read more.

The first night in the apartment was very _very_ cold. And none of them had the beds moved in so with all the blankets, pillows and towels they made a giant bed on the floor of the living room and all sat there for a while just talking.

Castiel didn't know this was something he wanted in his life but the whole time, he couldn't help but smile. He had people to share his life with. He didn't have to be alone anymore. Everything was going to be perfect.

“Cas, you good? You're sitting there smiling like an idiot.” Dean whispered when Sam and Jess were immersed in a conversation. Castiel turned to Dean with a frown.

“Am I not allowed to smile?” Dean shook his head.

“I've just never seen you so happy before.”

“You've known me for almost two months.” Castiel retorted, Dean shrugged.

“Still. But I'm glad you're happy. I want to make you always feel like that.” Dean laced their fingers together and squeezed Castiel's hand.

“You always do.”

“I always will.”

That was a promise that Castiel would always remember. No matter what, Dean wanted to make him happy.

***

Sam first started the tradition but since he started it, it stuck. For the time being, Sam was an intern, training to be a lawyer. Jess was currently looking for a job, Castiel still worked at the cafe and Dean still worked at the shop. Castiel now made sure he was home by 3, Dean was home by 5 and so was Sam.

Sam was the first person to go grocery shopping and he had Castiel help him with dinner. Slowly Jess started helping and now even Dean was seen in the kitchen before dinner. They always had a job to do for dinner each night and they all ate dinner and watched an episode of whatever show they were binge-watching.

They took turns doing the dishes but usually Castiel did them on Dean's day since Dean would always bitch about it. Castiel didn't mind because of the smile Dean gave him after.

After dinner one night Castiel dumped his glass of milk all over his pants and Jess jumped up and helped him clean it up. Dean laughed and Sam glared at Dean and handed Castiel more napkins.

“I'm going to go shower...” He mumbled, completely embarrassed.

“Hey, angel. Don't be shy.” Dean tugged Castiel's arm and pulled him down for a kiss. “You don't have to get all read. Don't cry over spilled milk.”

“Shut up...” Castiel sighed and walked downstairs. Him and Dean had the basement room. It was rather large and had its own bathroom. Castiel liked the dark.

After Castiel turned on the shower and climbed in, he heard the door open.

“Cas? I'm sorry if I upset you.” It was Dean. He sounded pretty sincere, so Castiel poked his head out of the curtain.

“It's okay. I'm just not... feeling right today.” Castiel admitted and Dean walked into the bathroom further. Castiel felt his body tense. He hadn't let Dean look at him without boxers yet, he was too shy. He's seen Dean naked plenty of times though. He had no shame.

“You want me to join you?” Dean's voice was so low. It gave Castiel goose bumps. “Is that a yes?” He smirked and was shocked when Castiel nodded slowly. He didn't let his expression give away his emotion and slowly started to undress giving Castiel plenty of time to change his mind. By the time he reached his boxers he looked Castiel in the eyes. “Are you positive?”

Castiel couldn't think straight. But that's okay. It was a fine distraction. He gave Dean a slow nod and Dean gave him a crooked smile. When he slid down his boxers, Castiel couldn't notice that he was semi-hard. His face lit up and he hid behind the curtain. He felt Dean move into the shower behind him and Dean wrapped his arms around Castiel's waist and pulled his wet body close to him. Castiel felt Dean's slow rising erection against his back and Dean's hands wonder around Castiel's hip bones.

“Dean... what are you doing?” Castiel wanted his voice to sound flat, like always, but his voice cracked with need he didn't know he had.

“I will stop if you want...” Dean nibbled on the back of Castiel's shoulder. Dean felt Castiel's knees buckle. “But I'll have you know...” Dean spread Castiel's legs apart and rubbed his inner thighs. “That I _really_ want to touch you.”

Castiel couldn't have agreed more. He _really_ wanted Dean to not stop. His heart was racing and he felt himself get hard. It's not like Castiel never got hard in his life or anything. But this time, it hurt. He felt himself throb with lust as Dean rubbed his hands everywhere but his cock. He lost himself and started grinding against Dean, who was moaning in his ear, enjoying the whimpers he was getting from Castiel.

“Please.” That's all Castiel could choke out and Dean didn't wait. His hand slid up Castiel's thigh and he grabbed Castiel so tightly that Castiel forgot how to breathe. “Dean...” He whined and let his head fall back onto Dean's shoulder. Dean kissed his neck lightly as he massaged Castiel's cock with long slow motions and grinned at Castiel's awkward movements.

“You like that, angel?” Dean purred and Castiel nodded his head vigorously. Dean's hands were rough and calloused from the labor intensive work he did but that made the friction all the more apparent. Dean loved the feeling of Castiel thrusting into his hand.

Dean suddenly spun Castiel around and pushed him against the wall, pressing his lips against Castiel's and grabbed under Castiel's ass and pinned him to the wall. Castiel wrapped his legs around Dean's waist and arched his back, feeling Dean's cock rub against his. Dean was biting his lip and squeezing his upper thighs. Castiel's arms wrapped around Dean's neck and pulled him closer. He wanted them to be even closer. He felt like they weren't. Dean must've felt the same way with how hard he was pressing Castiel to the wall.

Castiel opened his eyes and gasped at Dean rubbing a finger at his hole. Dean slowly opened his eyes and Castiel could've melted in the green. Dean was just so handsome.

Castiel couldn't control himself. His head leaned back against the wall and he bit his lip. Dean took both of their cocks in his hand and Castiel's breathing got heavier, so did Dean's. He was just eying Castiel writhe in front of him. But what set him over the edge was the almost cry Castiel gave, saying Dean's name. Castiel came all over himself and Dean followed shortly after.

Dean relaxed his grip on Castiel and pulled away slightly but gave him a lot of soft kisses all over his face. Castiel was out of breath for a long while afterwards.

***

Before Castiel thought he couldn't not think about Dean. Now he felt obsessed. He wanted to be with Dean all the time. It didn't matter what they were doing. He wanted to learn how to work on cars so he could work with Dean.

He was beginning to annoy himself.

Castiel was sitting on the couch biting his thumb. A habit he seemed to form out of absolutely nowhere. Jess was sitting on the chair reading a book, sending him worried glances every couple of minutes until she finally closed the book and asked him what was wrong.

“What do you mean?” He asked evenly. She shook her head and put the book on the coffee table (unevenly, Castiel noticed).

She sat next to Castiel and he just was overwhelmed of the warmth in her eyes. He learned over the past few weeks how sweet Jess was. She was very welcoming and Castiel tried to be just as nice. He didn't think of her as his friend though until now.

“Cas, I can see something's bothering you. What's wrong?” She asked sweetly. Before he knew it, Castiel had blurred out everything on his mind. Even things he didn't even notice.

“I don't know what's wrong with me.” and “I'm so distracted.” turned into “What if Dean decides he doesn't like me anymore?” and “I don't want to lose all of my new friends.”

He spoke so quickly that Jess had a hard time keeping up with him but she managed.

“Cas. Nothing is wrong with you. This is new to you and it scares everyone. You love Dean and you're scared to lose him. That is a completely normal feeling. And even if, major if, you and Dean were to break up, you know if you ever needed me, I would be here for you. But you're such a sweetheart I don't see Dean letting you go. Ever. And if he did, that would be a huge mistake on his part.”

Castiel just stared at her in mild awe. Sure, Dean had spoken kind words to him. So had his brother. Even Gabriel threw in random comments. But Castiel never trusted anyone with his fears and here he was dumping them on a girl he met a couple of weeks ago. And she _cared_. She listened and he realized he could talk to her.

With no further comments, he just smiled at Jess, and she smiled back.

***

“Dean.” Castiel said randomly. They were laying in bed, Dean was facing the wall. He was exhausted.

“Yeah Cas?” He said sleepily.

“Have you ever thought about us?” Castiel asked and swallowed hard. He didn't know why he was so nervous all of a sudden.

“I think about us all the time, angel.” Castiel took a deep breath and Dean rolled over so he was facing Castiel.

“Is something bothering you?” Castiel looked at Dean. Even in the dark he could make out his face. He could stare at Dean all day. Sometimes he was close do doing just that, too.

“I suppose.” Castiel agreed and Dean sat up, despite being dead tired and pulled Castiel into a hug.

“Cas, you know I'm always here, right? No matter what happens. I will always find my way back to you and I hope you feel the same way.” And Castiel did. He couldn't think of anything Dean could do that he wouldn't forgive him for. He wanted to be with Dean. He'd never been in love before, but every fiber of his being was screaming that he was in love with Dean. He wasn't foolish enough to think he was Dean's first love. Hell, maybe he wasn't even the second. But Castiel would be damned if he wasn't the last. He wanted to be with Dean for as long as he could.

“I love you.” Castiel said it like an off-thought. Dean kissed his temple and held him close.

“I'd hope so.” Castiel looked at Dean expectantly and Dean smiled softly and ruffled Castiel's hair. “I love you too, Cas.”

Yeah. It didn't matter. He would wait forever to hear Dean say those words again, and again. He wasn't going to let go of him. Castiel felt it. He was meant to be with Dean. And as Castiel had these thoughts, Dean was looking into Castiel's eyes thinking the same thing.

They would both fight for each other. From some guy Castiel met at the cafe, Dean had turned out to be the most important person that he'd ever met. And he wasn't going to let anyone take him away.

Dean looked at Castiel as someone who needed to be protected, he knew Castiel was smart but at the same time really oblivious. And he didn't want anyone else to be there for him. Because that was _his_ Cass, and no one else would have him.

## Chapter nine:

Dean learned a lot of things about his boyfriend as weeks passed. He learned that Castiel, for the most part, didn't eat bread. His favorite snack was Mozzarella cheeze-its and he could eat a whole box by himself if he didn't get them taken away in time. He loved books about mythology and stories that didn't necessarily have a happy ending. He had every Ellen Hopkins, Stephen King, John Green, and H.P Lovecraft book there was. When he was tired he got grumpy. When he was happy he would stare at you for like twelve years. He really liked messed up shows (Like American Horror Story) and every Tuesday he cleaned the bathroom top to bottom, even if it wasn't messy.

Dean loved his quirks, he loved the way Castiel would say his name. And how he would cling to Dean after a long day without him. Dean could very easily see that Castiel _needed_ him. And Dean was oddly okay with it. Dean barely got time without Castiel besides when they were at work but Dean found himself missing Castiel the more they were together.

Castiel had also learned a lot of things about Dean. Like how Dean's temper could flip at the flick of the switch, especially with Sam. Dean could eat a disgusting amount of bacon cheeseburgers in one day. Dean's favorite pie was apple. He loved to talk with his mouth opened (which oddly, Castiel never said anything about. He was too smitten). Dean had this weird thing for Soap Operas and Castiel could never understand it. When Castiel first found out Dean tried changing the channel but after a while Dean just accepted Castiel would find out sooner than later. And every Monday night he would hide the cleaning products.

Castiel saw passed Dean's flaws and loved every tiny detail Dean had to offer. When Dean wasn't around, Castiel wasn't very happy. He loved being next to Dean. And Dean loved being wanted.

But they were still in their “Honeymoon” stage, so they weren't prepared.

Their first argument was over something _really_ small but Castiel was exhausted from work and Dean was just hungry.

“Where do you wanna go eat?” Dean asked and Castiel sighed from the bed. He should've thought about it, he realizes this now. Every Friday they go out to eat and this time it was Castiel's pick. He forgot about it.

“I don't know.” Castiel said quietly. He wasn't really hungry, either. He just wanted to sleep but he saw Dean's face. He knew Dean was hungry and he felt bad that he hadn't given it more thought.

“Are you serious, Cas? You've had ALL week to decide.” Dean snapped. Castiel shrunk away from Dean.

“I'm sorry, I didn't really think about it. I'm just really tired...” Castiel averted his gaze from Dean's red hot glare and shifted uncomfortably.

“You know what? _Fine_. You can stay here and _I'll_ go out with Sam and Jess.” Castiel looked at him with a hurt expression.

“Please don't. I want to go with you.” He said quickly and Dean put his hand up to shut him up.

“Too late now.” Dean stormed into the bathroom and Castiel looked down at the floor, ashamed of himself. Poor Dean was at work all day and Castiel just had one job and he couldn't do it.

He felt so stupid. He hung his head and heard the shower turn on and swallowed hard. Maybe Dean would forgive him when he came out.

Castiel quickly brushed his hair, it was everywhere. He didn't want to embarrass Dean in front of everyone. He got changed into better clothes. He made the bed nice and neat. He pulled out Dean's favorite pants and his blue button up shirt with a white tee under it and socks and even placed Dean's non-work shoes by the pile. He sat down on the bed next to the pile with his hands in his lap and waited.

Dean finally came out of the shower and looked over at Castiel and frowned.

“What is this?” He asked and Castiel smiled at him.

“I picked out your clothes. I'm sorry I upset you. Please forgive me.” Dean was still in a bad mood and just shook his head and started to get dressed. Castiel looked at him expectantly. He waited. Dean said nothing. He tied his shoes and stood up and walked to the stairs. “Dean?”

“What!?” He snapped and looked back. He saw Castiel's face. He didn't want to falter. He hated apologizing.

“Please... Don't leave me.” Dean saw the legitimate fear in Castiel's face. His eyes got really red and if you paid close enough attention, he was shaking. “Please.” His voice cracked and Dean melted. His shoulders relaxed and he turned around and walked over to Castiel and cupped his cheek.

“Angel, I would never leave you.” He whispered and just like that, Castiel's fears disappeared. His aching heart skipped a beat and he smiled at Dean. His Dean. His Dean forever. Castiel quickly kissed him like Dean would change his mind. Dean kissed back, but slower. He wanted Castiel to relax. Dean's arms wrapped around Castiel and he swayed back and forth. It was such a small movement but Castiel found himself completely relaxed, sharing kisses with the love of his life.

After that, Castiel learned to never disappoint Dean. And he tried his hardest to never do it.

***

The house was warmer than usual. It was just a couple days until Christmas. Sam and Jess had decorations from their previous apartment. Castiel had none but bought some. And they all pitched in for a tree. Except Castiel ruined a tradition because he wanted a fake tree. Real trees were messy and no one wanted to deal with OCD Cas around Christmas. Or at all.

It was weeks since their last fight and Castiel was happy that they seemed perfect since then. Occasionally tempers flared but they never really did much about it. And now he was spending his holiday with someone as perfect as Dean. Dean was pretty happy about the outcome. Jess and Castiel outdid themselves with making the place look like Santa vomited Christmas and it was his first Christmas as such. Him and Sam usually picked a bush at best when they were younger and traded really shitty gifts while their father was out at work. It was a dull childhood. But when Dean looked at the amazing person Sam was today, he was proud. _He_ raised Sam. And _he_ did a damn good job.

Picking out Castiel's present was both the hardest and the easiest thing to do. He knew Castiel would love anything he got him but it was their first Christmas together and they've been dating for... what was it? Wow it was like four months already? Time flies. But Dean was sure he picked out the perfect present. Castiel didn't know what to get Dean. So he got him like... seven different things. He wanted Dean to be happy and everyone loved getting gifts, right?

Speaking of gifts, he was pretty happy he didn't have to work Christmas. Chuck decided to close them on Christmas. Castiel couldn't wait to give everyone the presents he got them. He never really had anyone to get things for and Castiel found it gave him more happiness to buy things for other people than it did himself. He usually got Lucifer and Gabriel something. His other family members weren't really close. And Lucifer lived in the city with him so he saw him more often than anyone else.

And Lucifer, oh boy. He had this thing he loved doing. Fucking with Sam. He made Sam's life hell. And Sam always looked pissy but there was a weird part that looked like he was having fun. Lucifer stopped by every now and again just to say hello and antagonize Sam. Castiel had no clue why but he didn't really care. He liked seeing his brother. And it was worth it to see the face Lucifer made when Sam called him “Lucy” with his bitch face.

***

On Christmas Eve, Castiel sat in the cafe with Gabriel. They really didn't get any business today. Most people were leaving the city to visit family members. Gabriel didn't mention he had any.

“What are you doing for Christmas?” Castiel asked offhandedly. Gabriel shrugged.

“Probably drink and eat a lot of candy. Like a disgusting amount of candy. So much the candy.” Gabriel looked oddly aroused at that and Castiel raised an eyebrow but didn't comment.

“If you get bored, we're having a kind of party at the apartment. Jess, Dean, Sam, Lucifer and I. You're more than welcome to come.” Gabriel doesn't look very serious, ever. But the smile he got from Gabriel for a brief nano-second made Castiel happy he invited him. No one wanted to be alone on Christmas.

“I'll see if I can pencil you in...” Gabriel actually pulled out a planner. “Well I _was_ going to wallow in self pity from 2pm-6pm but I guess I can reschedule that.”

“Oh boy.”

***

Christmas morning was pretty great. The group decided it would be fun to lay all the blankets and pillows on the floor in the living room and sleep in there next to the Christmas tree (which Dean so kindly placed a cardboard pine tree car freshener on to “make it feel like the real deal”... It didn't).

They woke up Christmas morning from Dean's voice yelling “presents!” even though he'd seen them the night before. They color coded them. Blue was Castiel, red was Dean, green was Sam and purple was Jess.

Castiel was shocked to find that he had more than one thing under the tree. He didn't remember the last time he had presents. There was even a couple of black ones, which was the color they assigned Lucifer. He should be there eventually. Castiel saw the tiny pile of yellow gifts, they were for Gabriel. He was excited to give Gabriel something for Christmas.

“Hey Sam, is Bobby coming?” Dean asked confused. He got the strangest message that he didn't understand.

“Damn...” Sam stood up and walked to the door, there Bobby stood with a red bow on his ball cap, looking absolutely miserable.

“Merry effing Christmas.” He mumbled and Dean jumped from his seat on the floor and him and Sam hugged the very miserable looking man.

“Wanna help me make waffles?” Jess asked with a smile. Castiel nodded and followed her to the kitchen. She pulled her hair back and started pulling things out of the cabinets. She then, very gleefully, took out a waffle iron that had interchangeable shapes and pulled out the Christmas tree one. She looked very happy. “I always wanted to use this!”

Jess was adorable. She even put green dye and rainbow sprinkles in the batter so they looked like a decorated tree. Castiel placed the bacon on a sheet tray and threw them in the oven. He hated making bacon but ever since he started making it in the oven, it wasn't as bad.

Jess and Castiel were at an odd sense of peace hearing the three men in the other room joke and argue.

“Honey, I'm home!” Lucifer yelled from across the house.

“Oh, Lucy!” Sam responded immediately.

“I'm so done with them.” Jess said with a grin. Castiel agreed. Now the house was even louder.

Castiel pulled out the pre-made biscuit dough that he made the other night for this breakfast. He put them in the oven with the bacon and watched in mild interest as Jess stacked on the waffles. They were very cute waffles. The sprinkles melted a bit more than she hoped and now they were faded and blotchy but they still looked like Christmas trees.

“This is going to be a bitch to clean.” She giggled as she accidentally poured more than she needed to and the excess oozed over the side.

“Dean, Sam!” Castiel called and they walked into the room a few seconds later.

“Smells damn good in here!” Dean exclaimed and Jess looked playfully bashful.

“If they're staying, we should probably get the chairs.” Castiel said and they went downstairs to get them. They even brought an extra for Gabriel. And Castiel was happy that he didn't have to ask Dean to set the table. He did it on his own. Well, he made Sam help.

“Honey! I'm home!” Gabriel yelled into the apartment.

“That was already done.” Lucifer responded pridefully. Gabriel glared and then grinned.

“LUCY! I'M HOME!” He then ran in and tackled Lucifer to the floor, spilling (thankfully) water all over the blankets.

“What are we, five?” Bobby asked ruefully.

“Nuh-huh. I'm THIS MANY.” Gabriel started doing weird things with his fingers trying to actually get his age. Lucifer then shoved him off.

“Guys, breakfast!”

Breakfast went by smoothly. Well, as smooth as these kind of things could go. Gabriel knocked over the syrup and then proceeded to lick it. Bobby looked the most horrified. Dean complained that no one made breakfast potatoes and Sam intervened and noted that Dean didn't even help make breakfast so he just pouted and shoved more biscuits in his mouth. Lucifer managed to make Sam drop all of his pieces of bacon on the floor by randomly making noises and poking and prodding at him. Sam sent him a very evil looking glare. Gabriel just giggled and pulled out sugar packets from his bag and dumped it on everything... Even his eggs. Everyone stared at him like he had two heads. He didn't care. He sat there with a smile.

Clean up was obnoxious. There were so many dishes and everyone tried to help but it made it worse because there were just so many people crammed in the kitchen. Castiel was happy that he did most of the prep for dinner tonight already because the amount of dishes just for breakfast was astronomical. But everyone was happy and full. That's all that really mattered.

“You did great, angel.” Dean whispered and kissed Castiel softly. “I love you.”

## Chapter ten:

“Can we open presents now?!” Dean yelled impatiently with a playful pout.

“Oh my god, Dean. Shut up.” Sam retorted, so annoyed with Lucifer and Gabriel poking at him all morning. He was sitting in between Lucifer and Gabriel with his arms crossed and a frown.

“Oooo, Sammy is all macho now.” Lucifer pinched Sam's side and Sam flinched away from him only to have Gabriel tickle him under his arm pit.

“Oh my god, why!?” Jess giggled at her boyfriend's misfortune and started to hand out stockings. Everyone had one. They were filled with gag gifts.

Castiel got “An Idiot's Guide to Social Interaction”, a tiny box of Mozzarella cheese-its, a picture of a pickle, an actual pickle, and some penis shaped lollipops.

“Who in god's name picked these out?” Castiel asked out loud, no one answered. They were too busy opening their own stockings.

Dean got a calendar filled with hot rod cars, a wrench (no specific type, just a random pink wrench), a piece of pie (in a zip-lock bag, who does that?) and a miniature model of his car. He didn't say anything, he opened the zip-lock bag and started eating the pie.

Sam opened his stocking to find a plush moose. No explanation. Just a moose. That was it. He stared at it in such confusion that he was lost for words.

Jess excitedly dumped out her stocking. It was filled with random chap-sticks (as she always complained she lost hers. there were probably 37 chap-sticks all together), women's laxatives (she assumed this was a poke at an inside joke she shared with Lucifer), a mini moose with a tiara crudely attached, and a nut assortment.

Bobby got a new hat, same as the one he was currently wearing, a bible, a toothbrush, a princess ribbon, and a pack of raspberry chocolate cookies. He just shook his head and mumbled “why” to himself a bunch of times.

Gabriel was praying for candy when he opened his stocking. He was severely disappointed. His stocking was literally filled with vegetables. He was so distressed and Sam mumbled a “why didn't I get that stocking” but no one paid attention.

Lucifer was last to open his because he was so curious to see what everyone else got. When he finally got his turn he was not disappointed in the lack of creativity. There was a book on Satan worshiping, a tiny dog with horns and a devil tail that sang “bad to the bone” when you touched it's paw, a key to an elevator (not a specific one) and a really gross penny from the year he was born.

“So can we open presents now?” Dean asked with his mouth full of pie so it sounded a lot like “uh ahn ee ohhenn eehents ow.”

“He's so majestic.” Castiel said with a smile, it was a sarcastic remark but he had such a nice smile on that it looked like he was just really impressed with Dean's table manners.

***

Presents time was great, there was a lot of wrapping paper everywhere. The only gifts worth mentioning was Gabriel's giant Reese’s bar, Castiel's complete Law and Order SVU box set, Dean's beautifully crafted pocket knife and mini bar, Sam's other moose (and his new shirt that said “duck, duck, moose”, and his very warm looking moose footsie pajamas which he responded with “how the hell did you even find a size to fit me?”), Lucifer got a megaphone and Sam cried, Jess got those really cute shoes that she's been wanting 5ever, and Bobby got the most metal gift of all. Disappointment.

“I still can't believe you idjits got me a damn life-alert bracelet.” He was grumbling up a storm and Sam and Dean laughed so hard they almost peed themselves.

***

Dinner came around not to long after and they had to beg Bobby to stay because he was still pretty butt-hurt about his bracelet. Eventually he came around when he was able to smell what was cooking.

Sam, Jess, Castiel and surprisingly Lucifer were all crammed in the kitchen fixing a different dish. Sam was making a sweet potato casserole, Jess was fixing up the fresh corn and finished off the other batch of biscuits, Castiel was finishing up the turkey and Lucifer was making mashed potatoes. The house smelled pretty damn good.

Castiel even had help at work making a couple of pies for the party. He wanted them to be a surprise for Dean. But he didn't dare bring them out yet, he waited until after Dean had his dinner.

Dean got the mini-bar set up and started pouring drinks and making specialty drinks because he was excited he finally got a mini bar. There was even a box of tiny alcohol bottles and stuff to make his drinks. But suddenly Gabriel jumped up and everyone looked at him. He pulled up his book bag and dug through it and pulled out a lump of clothes.

“I almost forgot!” He then started passing them out. Everyone looked at the sweaters in confusion. “Come on guys, ugly Christmas sweaters.” He said like it was an obvious thing, then pulled one over his head. It had a picture of two reindeer having sex on it. But blocky sex because it was a hand knitted sweater.

“Thank god, I got just a reindeer.” Sam said in relief.

“Um, Sam. I think that's a moose.” Lucifer pointed out after Sam had already put on the shirt. He looked away at nothing with the most annoyed face, and pursed lips.

Castiel got a sweater that looked like a cardigan, shirt and tie, with the most obnoxious pattern of trees and candy canes. Lucifer's was green and had little bulbs everywhere that he later figured out they actually lit up. He was more impressed than anything. Dean's was two ugly looking snowmen dancing happily. Jess had a red sweater with large ridiculous looking tree ornaments and candy canes.

Gabriel felt bad because he didn't know Bobby nor knew he needed an extra sweater so took it upon himself to put a Santa hat over Bobby's head. Bobby just sat there and glared, not doing anything about it.

“That's the christmas spirit!” Dean cheered and started to set the table. Gabriel helped, oddly enough.

***

“I love you.” Dean whispered into Castiel's ear once they were all ready for bed. Castiel smiled softly at Dean and kissed him.

“I love you.” He said softly and Dean stroked his cheek slowly and his green eyes scanned Castiel's face lovingly.

“So much.” Dean leaned in and kissed Castiel. “Thank you for today.”

“My pleasure.” Castiel responded quietly. “Is there anything else you want for Christmas?”

“ _You_.” Dean's husky tone instantly had Castiel crave Dean.

“How do you want me?” Castiel asked evenly, trying to keep his excitement down. Dean looked over Castiel's face again and his hand rubbed his cheek as his thumb pressed against Castiel's soft lips.

“I want your mouth around me.” Dean said boldly.

Castiel nodded urgently and ripped the covers off Dean. He got in between Dean's thighs and stared directly into Dean's eyes. Dean's cock throbbed and Castiel leaned and slowly licked it from the base to the head. Dean squirmed and let out a sigh.

“I need you Cas. Please.” Dean's begging voice sounded so hot, it made Castiel even harder. He tried to concentrate on what he was supposed to be doing but it was hard now that he felt the pre-cum trickle down onto his thigh.

Castiel slid Dean's head into his mouth and let his tongue playfully lick the slit. Dean's hand grabbed tightly onto Castiel's hair and he was gaining a rhythm, thrusting his hips slowly in and out of Castiel's mouth. Castiel pinned Dean's hips down and started to bite Dean's thighs. He loved Dean's thighs. They were so muscular and sexy. He kissed his way up to Dean's moist cock again and this time put as much as he could in his mouth. Dean sucked in a breath.

Castiel wrapped his fingers around the area he couldn't fit in his mouth and massaged it gently. He liked the way Dean moved underneath him. It let him know he had the power. It was in his control if Dean could finish and he loved that. He wanted Dean to cum because of _him_.

As it turns out, the lack of sexual acts made Dean a pretty easy target for that. Not even a couple minutes later he was gasping, moaning and gripping Castiel's hair like it was the only thing to hold on to.

“Cas... Oh, angel. I'm...” He couldn't finish his sentence. He was so close. Castiel took Dean's cock out of his mouth and Dean came forcefully all over Castiel's face. Dean was panting and it took him a minute to catch his breath but he looked at his cum all over Castiel's face and it was hard to not get turned on again.

***

New Years wasn't taken place at home, where Castiel usually went to bed at the same time he always did. Eight. They went to Ellen's bar. It was the whole group there too. Castiel should feel excited but he was more tired than anything.

His brother was talking to Gabriel and they were drinking at the bar. Lucifer was drinking a Guinness and Gabriel had a Malibu Sunrise. Castiel decided he wasn't going to drink that night. And if he did, he wasn't going to drink a lot. He didn't like the feeling of after he drank so he sat next to Dean as he drank scotch. Sam had the same thing and Jess didn't drink either. Not that she didn't want to, she liked to drink. But she wasn't feeling it just yet. Castiel decided to himself, if he was to drink, he would drink with Jess. She was much more his pace than any of the guys there.

“Do you have any pie!?” Dean practically screamed over the loud background noise of people talking.

“No! Jo isn't here yet!” Ellen responded just as loud. She was getting slammed tonight. There was so many people there, she was glad she had help. Even Bobby came to help her bartend. He drank as he did it but whatever, she didn't have to pay him then.

Dean turned to Castiel with a cute smile on his face. He leaned in to talk to him since it was so damn loud in the bar.

“You're going to be my last kiss of this year and my first kiss of next year.” He said and Castiel's face warmed and he smiled softly. Dean kissed his cheek. “Oh Cas, you're my favorite.”

“You are also favorable to me.” Castiel responded and Dean shook his head as he took another sip of his drink.

***

The night ended with the strangest turn of events. Jess was _not_ Sam's first kiss of the new year. She was going to be, but as it turns out, the whole night Lucifer and Gabriel schemed to steal him and kiss him at the same time just because they were drunk and assholes. Jess was kind of sad but she was too busy laughing at his horrified face to think much of it. Dean was pissed that he missed it because his attention was focused solely on Castiel.

Throughout the whole night Jess only had one thing to drink, so Castiel had one drink. They were the most qualified people to drive home, yet they had to argue with Dean that he couldn't drive “baby” home.

“Cas, YOU should derive... Hah, no. that's not the word.” Gabriel slurred and Castiel turned to Jess.

“Jess, I believe you need to drive.” He said with his voice slightly strained. He was getting anxious just thinking about driving.

“Are you okay?” She asked and touched his arm. He shook his head.

“I don't drive.” He said quickly and she looked confused, but nodded regardless. “Listen, Dean.” He grabbed Dean by the shoulders to get him to pay attention. “I know you want to drive baby, but we'll pick her up when you're not hammered.” Dean made an unintelligible comment and wound up half asleep anyway so it wasn't hard to convince him.

***

After Castiel got Dean tucked into bed and put a cup of water and some pills next to the bed for Dean's impending hangover tomorrow, he laid down next to Dean who was pretty much drooling all over himself. It was pretty gross, but Castiel loved Dean so much he didn't think much of it.

“Goodnight Dean.” Castiel kissed Dean's head and was surprised when Dean wrapped his arms and legs around Castiel tightly and whispered,

“I'm a koala!” It was then that Castiel knew... it was going to be a _long_ night.

***

It was a very bad wake-up situation. The worst Castiel had ever been in. Dean too, probably.

“What the _hell_ , Dean?!” It was said so loud that half drunk, asleep Dean jolted from his bed. “You didn't tell me you were moved. I had to find out from Rufus at the shop. Do you know how embarrassing that is? And now you're here naked with some guy, Dean. I didn't even know you were gay!” This man rambled for a while and Dean just stared at him like he saw a ghost.

“Are you even listening to me?!” He snapped and Dean nodded slowly.

“Dad, why are you here?” He asked and his father scoffed.

“I wanted to see my son, is that such a bad thing? I already saw Sam. He's upstairs with that lovely girl Jessica.” Castiel had never felt so awkward in his life. And that was impressive in its own right. “Are you at least going to introduce me to the boy!?”

“Oh. Yeah, dad. This is my friend Castiel.” Castiel slowly turned to look at Dean. _Friend?_

## Chapter Eleven:

The morning was very awkward. More awkward than Castiel. Or maybe Castiel being there just made it more awkward. All he knew was Sam, Jess, Dean, John and him were sitting around their didn't room table with John staring at Castiel in the utmost confusion. He didn't understand why Castiel was in his son's bed. Last he checked, Dean was straight. If anything, Sam was the gay one, look at his hair, dear lord.

“Dad, I can explain--”

“You're having sex with a man.” John cut in and Castiel awkwardly shuffled his feet.

“I'm a virgin.” He said quietly and that confused John even more.

“So you guys aren't having sex? You're really just friends?” Dean looked like he was about to say yes but he stared at the look on Castiel's face and took a deep breath and looked at his father.

“We aren't having sex. But he is my boyfriend.” Dean said and John leaned back in his chair like someone just punched him in the stomach.

“You're gay?” This is one of those times when Castiel should learn to stay quiet.

“Actually, if you want to get technical, Dean doesn't have to be gay. He could be bi, pansexual--”

“Cas, stop talking.” Dean said and Castiel pressed his lips together and nodded. “Listen dad, I don't really like guys.” Castiel was completely lost. “I do love women... but I also really love Cas. It's not about his gender, I just love him.” Castiel was smiling to himself and looking down at the table.

John stared at Dean and looked back to Castiel. Castiel's hair was messy, he had a 5 o'clock shadow, dimples, and the brightest blue eyes John had ever seen. He didn't like that Dean was with a guy. He really didn't like it. But in a way, he saw that despite Castiel being a man, he did have girlish features. That's got to count for something. And he was so damn small. He was swimming in the shirt and sweatpants he wore.

“Listen dad, I really hope you can look passed this. Maybe even come over for dinner with us, we'd love to have you.” Sam interrupted the silence and John looked at him. “Castiel is really a great guy and you'd like him. You just have to give him a chance.” John waited a minute before standing up.

“I need to clear my head. I'll call you, Dean. Bye everyone.” He walked out of the apartment. Castiel was now sitting in his chair with his knees up and hugging them, leaning on them.

“That went well.” Dean looked at him confused but turned back around and sighed loudly.

***

A few days later, something hit Dean. Castiel didn't know what, but Dean just was so sick. He had a slight fever, he was shaking, occasionally throwing up. He just didn't look well.

Dean didn't realize that he was never really babied when he was sick until he was with Castiel. He didn't even realize Castiel was so... motherly. He called out of work and ran around trying to help Dean with whatever he could do. But the hardest thing, was getting Dean to eat something. He didn't want anything.

“I'm going to make you what my mother usually made me.” Castiel said as he pulled out a big bottle of ginger ale and poured it in a cup and placed it on the nightstand. He took Dean's temperature before Dean drank it and pursed his lips. “It went up a bit.”

Castiel grabbed his pillows and let them prop Dean up and pulled his TV from the closet. They never really had the time to bring it out, but Castiel hooked everything up and let Dean pick whatever movie he wanted. When Dean decided on Star Wars, a part of Castiel wanted to roll his eyes but Dean was sick so he made the rules.

He handed Dean the remote and wondered upstairs to make Dean some food.

When he was done, he walked downstairs and Dean noticed him with the tray of food and groaned.

“I'm not hungry.” He whined and Castiel put the tray in front of him.

“Then take your time. We have cream of broccoli and tuna on some toast. I also brought you some water in case you'd prefer that to the soda.”Dean looked up at Castiel and sighed.

“My stomach hurts though.” Castiel nodded and sat on the bed and grabbed the spoon and dipped it in the soup.

“What I do is I dip my spoon in and I lick it. This way I'm not eating too much. But it's still something.” Dean grabbed the spoon and licked it, finding he didn't hate cream of broccoli as much as he thought he did.

***

It wasn't long before Dean was passed out, most of his food gone, not quite all of it. Castiel cleaned everything up and shut the TV off.

When he was upstairs in the library he saw Sam walk in and pause when he saw Castiel.

“Hello, Sam.” Castiel said briefly as he skimmed his book.

“Hey, Cas. How is Dean feeling?” Sam asked with concern clearly evident in his voice.

“He's... better I think. His fever went down. He's sleeping right now.” Sam nodded and sat down in one of the chairs.

“Listen, Cas. Um... Well, I don't know if Dean told you...” Sam rubbed the back of his neck and Castiel straightened up in his chair and stared at Sam intently. “Dad called and he wants to come over for dinner but I told him that we didn't know yet. I just wanted to ask you first. I don't want you to feel uncomfortable.” Sam explained and Castiel's face softened. He didn't realize that Sam paid so much attention to his feelings. It was nice to be looked after.

“He is yours and Dean's father. I wouldn't want to keep him from seeing you guys. Please, invite him over for whenever is easy for you. I will help make dinner.” A smile broke across Sam's face and he patted Castiel on the arm.

“Thanks man. I'm sure it'll mean a lot to Dean.”

Castiel nodded and Sam left the room. Now Castiel had a different problem. He placed his book back on the shelf and searched for the cook books.

***

“Cas, you sure you're okay with this?” Castiel nodded and put Dean's dinner in front of him. Dean was feeling well enough to eat at the table, finally. Castiel kept cleaning crumbs from the sheets and it drove him crazy.

“Of course.” Castiel sat down across from Jess and Jess smiled at everyone.

“This is exciting. We should have a _family_ dinner just to get it out of the way. Then all of our families will know each other!” Jess sounded so excited and Castiel stopped mid bite of his food to stare at her.

“Yeah! Then my dad can meet your parents.” Sam shared the enthusiasm and Castiel turned to look at Dean.

“I have to... invite my family?” He asked and Dean shrugged.

“You realize that's mostly Lucifer, right?” Sam's smile faded and he looked at his food and started eating.

“What about your parents?” Dean asked and Castiel shrugged. “What do you mean?”

“Well... I don't know where my father is and I don't have a mother.” He said simply and everyone looked at him, and Jess damn near cried.

“What do you mean you don't know where your father is? And how do you not have a mother?”

“I don't know. My father disappeared when I was younger. My siblings raised me. And I never knew a woman to be my mother... Well, when I was younger I used to call my sister, mom. It made people look at her weird because she's only six years older than me.”

Jess got out of her chair and hugged Castiel. He sat in the seat, confused by the hug, but also eased by it. Not many people hugged him.

“Cas, I'm so sorry.” Castiel stared at her with his eyebrows pushed together in confusion.

“Why are you sorry?” He asked and she looked down at him with a frown.

“That's just sad.” Castiel shrugged. “Why don't you invite your siblings then?”

“Um... I don't know if they will come but I can ask.” She nodded with a smile and sat back down.

“Tell us about them. How many siblings do you have?”

“I have Lucifer, you met him. Michael and Anael... Most people call her Anna. I couldn't even tell you the last time I talked to them though. The only one I talk to is Lucifer and that's because he's here.”

“Well, I would love to meet your other brother and sister.” Dean said with a smile and Castiel nodded, having an uncomfortable feeling in his stomach and he didn't know why.

***

“Hello?” Castiel felt like his heart stopped. He hadn't heard Anael's voice in so long, it was kind of a shock to hear. “Castiel? Is that you, sweetheart?”

“Y-yes.” Castiel coughed out. “Yes, Anael, It's me.”

“Oh, I haven't heard from you in forever! How are you? Are you okay? Is there something wrong?” Castiel frowned at the questions. He hadn't spoken to her in so long she assumed when he did call it was because something was bothering him.

“No. Um. This is kind of weird to say. Well, first I have a new apartment. I live with three other people. Sam, Jess and my boyfriend Dean--”

“OH MY GOODNESS! CASTIEL!” Castiel winced away from the phone briefly. “You got a _boyfriend_ and you didn't tell me?!” Castiel felt bad about it but he didn't really like disclosing information. “Please tell me Lucifer didn't find out before me...” Castiel said nothing and Anael groaned. “Come ooooon... Ugh. Anyway, what is he like? Is he cute?”

“Why would I say no to that question?” Anael giggled.

“True enough. So what were you calling about?”

“Well... I guess we're having a parents dinner and they told me to invite mine...” Castiel left the sentence hanging, now feeling really awkward. Anael didn't say something for a couple seconds and he heard her breath heavily.

“Castiel, I'm sorry. I'm sorry you called me for your parents dinner. You should have been able to call our parents. But I truly am honored. When is it?” Her voice continued to stay soft. Castiel was put out that he upset her.

“It's next week on Thursday.”

“I will be there. And Castiel, thank you for inviting me. I can't wait to see you.”

“I can't wait to see you either.” Castiel said and for a minute, he realized that he did truly mean it. He couldn't wait to see his older sister. He hadn't seen her in a while.

***

“Castiel?” The voice on the other line was strong, authoritative, and belonged to Michael. “Are you well?”

“Yes, Michael. I was wondering... Well, we're having a family dinner... wait. You don't know who _we_ is. Um, well, I live with Sam, Jess and Dean. And we're having our parents over... Not really parents since I invited you and Anael, oh and Dean is my boyfriend. You want to come?” The sentence was all over the place and it took Michael a second to collect the information and put it in order.

“So you live with a Sam, Jess and your boyfriend Dean and you're having families over and you want Anael and I to come?” That sentence was much shorter and significantly less awkward.

“Yes.”

“Castiel, I would love to go. It all depends on the day and time though because I'm really busy. But I will do my best to be there.”

“Thursday at five.” Castiel answered quickly.

“You were born on Thursday.” Michael said, smiling. Castiel nodded. Nearly every time he mentioned Thursday it became “you were named by the angel of Thursday” and “you were born on Thursday” it was becoming annoying.

“I am aware.” Castiel said stoically.

“I'll call you back a little later on in the week and I'll let you know if I can make it, alright? Again, thanks for inviting me Castiel. It's nice to hear from you.. Wait is Lucifer going to be there?”

“I didn't invite him, no.”

“Okay. Good.” Castiel frowned. Lucifer and Michael weren't getting along again. They did make up and break ups more than anyone he's ever met. They weren't even dating. They argued like an old married couple and half the time they hated each other.

Despite that he was excited he had people coming for the family dinner. He wanted to spend time with family. It would be nice to meet Jess' family and maybe Dean's father would like him.


	3. Chapter 3

## Chapter Twelve:

The preparations that they all had made for the big dinner was pretty extreme. Even Dean found himself cleaning odd parts of the apartment. (His dad could notice that the ceiling in one spot is tinged yellow and ruin his day, maybe. And chaos would erupt and Dean would be taken from Castiel because he couldn't properly clean his ceiling.)

Castiel still didn't find the perfect recipe, Sam was currently sick (he blamed Dean) and Jess finally found a job so she was out most of the time.

“Hey Angel, can you pass me that stuff you usually use in the bathroom?” Dean asked from the ladder and Castiel walked over and urged Dean to get down. He finally did, somewhat huffy. “What? I'm trying to clean.”

“I know and I admire the great lengths you've gone to, making sure that the house looks respectable. However, I would really like some time with you. You've been cleaning, and at work and I've been reading and at work. Can I please spend some time with you?” Dean's annoyed look quickly vanished and he gave Castiel a sickly sweet smile and kissed him lightly and cupped his cheek.

“Of course, Angel. I'm sorry. I'm totally freaked right now. I want everyone to like each other. We're a group, ya' know? We need to stay one.” Castiel nodded, his eyes appraising Dean as if he were made of gold.

“I understand Dean. I do. And this dinner will be as painless as we can make it.. But for now, let's go.” Dean sent Castiel a wink.

“Oh, now you're getting frisky. I like it when you take charge.” Castiel rolled his eyes.

***

“No... I think it's that way.” Castiel pointed and Dean groaned. They've been in the car, lost for the better part of 40 minutes. He shouldn't have trusted Castiel with figuring out where they were going. “You know what? Dean just park in this lot, I want to stretch my legs.”

Dean's stomach growled and he almost followed. But he parked the car and he was starving. Castiel quickly exited the vehicle and he got out too.

“Where are you going?” Dean asked and Castiel shrugged.

“Might as well walk for a minute. I used to live down here, I want to see if there's still this chocolate store I was very fond of.” Dean perked up slightly at the promise of chocolate and walked by Castiel's side. They walked for a couple minutes and Dean's stomach growled again and Dean started whining.

“Can we go--” Before he could finish, Castiel shoved him into a door. When Dean looked around he saw a very fancy restaurant. “This place is nice.” He mused and they walked over to the line. That's when Dean overheard the wait time was nearly two hours. “Let's go, I'm not waiting...” Dean paused as Castiel walked over to the hostess stand.

“Two for Novak, Castiel.” He stated formally and she scanned the list and smiled.

“Yup, come on. Right this way.” Dean couldn't help the blush from crawling to his face. He just gawked at the back of Castiel as the hostess led them to their table. When they took their seats, Castiel started scanning the menu and Dean still couldn't believe it.

“Are you well?” Castiel asked with concern after finally looking at Dean's face.

“You... surprised me. You... made reservations?” He didn't even know Castiel knew how to do that sort of thing.

“Yes. I rather like this place... And um...” Castiel turned pinkish and scratched his neck. “It's our.. uh.. half year mark.” Dean smiled widely.

“I can't believe you. You're such a sap.” Dean pat Castiel on the arm and Castiel glared at him. “Thank you, Cas. This is awesome. No one's ever taken me out to a fancy restaurant... And I don't think I've ever made reservations for anything ever. So that's fun.”

“No one's been with me. Especially for this long. Thank you.” The look in Castiel's eyes showed that he was really sincere. Like Dean needed to be thanked for loving him. And that put a slight damper on Dean's mood. He clutched Castiel's hand in his own.

“Cas, man... I love you, okay? And I've definitely had a thing for you since the second I saw you, so don't think you aren't awesome. I'm just the only one to admit you're awesome. Other people were probably intimidated by it. Lucky me, you're here with me and not with them. Sucks for you. You're stuck with me.” Dean winked and Castiel tilted his head in confusion.

“I am not stuck with you. I willingly stay with you and I will for as long as you'll let me.”

“I don't plan on letting go of you easily.” Dean said seriously and then gave Castiel a soft smile.

“I will have to be taken away kicking and screaming.” Dean loved when Castiel would tease him like that.

“Kinky.”

***

This was it. He found it. The perfect family dinner. It took days but Castiel planned on getting started right away. Dinner was tomorrow and he needed to make sure he had his mise en place. But first he had to talk to Dean.

Dean had been in this weird state today. He seemed nervous for tomorrow but Castiel had no idea why. It didn't occur to him that Dean was waiting on John's verdict for if he approved of Castiel or not. So it didn't bother him. And if he knew, Castiel wouldn't be bothered anyway. He was very happy where he was and Dean assured him he wasn't going anywhere.

“Dean.” Castiel poked his head from the library to the living room. Dean looked over. He was currently dusting the entertainment center.

“Yes?” He was on edge. Castiel could tell and it made him nervous.

“I found the recipe. I'm going to make a cured ham. And then for the sides...” Castiel trailed off when he saw that strange look in Dean's eye. Why was he mad? “Are you okay, Dean?”

“Are you kidding me?” He scowled. Castiel took a subtle step backwards.

“No..?”

“My dad _hates_ ham. Are you TRYING to piss him off? Are you serious right now, Cas? Need I remind you? I _already_ told you this. Don't be fucking stupid. I don't need to deal with this right now.” Dean said harshly and Castiel slumped. He looked at Dean with nothing in mind to say. Dean had never told him that his father didn't like cured ham. How was he supposed to know? Despite that, Castiel looked at his feet and offered an apology.

“I am sorry. I wasn't thinking. I'll keep looking for something.” He said quietly.

“Yeah. And don't fucking waste my time again, okay? Thanks.” The scathing tone Dean had made Castiel close the door between them. He sat down on the chair and stared at the floor. He didn't understand. He also had no idea why it made him feel so guilty.

***

“Dinner smells fantastic, sweetie!” Jess called out to Castiel as she walked in the door. So far she was the only one home besides Castiel. They had another two hours until the family started arriving. Dean and Sam would be home shortly to shower and shave. Castiel was already nice and clean, close shave which Jess didn't think she ever saw. His hair was brushed, which was odd since it was usually all over god's creation. “you okay?” She touched his arm and he flinched away from her.

“Sorry... I wasn't.. paying attention. Hello, Jess.” He nodded at her and she frowned and narrowed her eyes. “Yes?”

“What's wrong with you?”

“Nothing.” Castiel said slowly and turned away and continued cutting up vegetables.

“Are you nervous? It's okay. I am. We're all going to be under one roof. That's going to be crazy.” Castiel made a noise insisting he listened to her comment but stayed stoic. “Okay... Well you better get out of your head, and we're going to talk before Sam and Dean get back. But I have to get ready.” She walked away and even the part of Castiel that felt thankful that he had such a sweet friend like Jess, was beaten down by the fact that Dean hadn't talked to him since he yelled at him. Castiel sighed, with an ache in his heart.

***

“What are you making in here?” Sam asked from the doorway. By the sound of it, Dean was with him. “Because it smells fantastic.”

“Chicken parm.” Castiel said, rather quietly. “With garlic bread, linguine, and a salad.”

“Wow Cas. You outdid yourself. It smells great.” When Castiel stared at Sam, and Sam smiled that big smile, he could've cried. He didn't. But he felt like it. Sam was in here complimenting him and Dean still didn't say hello. “You good?”

“Yes. Just... nervous.” Castiel said with a strange sense of certainty.

“No big deal. Everything will be great.” Dean walked in and Castiel's heart thudded. It was a weird combination of him wanting to ignore Dean and have Dean apologize for being rude, and him begging Dean to not be mad at him anymore. Castiel chose to stay silent.

“You make dessert?” Dean asked and Castiel gave him a curt nod. “What did you make?”

“Apple and Pecan pie.” Castiel said quietly and noticed the grin on Dean's face from his peripherals.

“Awesome, I lucked out, huh?” Dean kissed Castiel's cheek, it felt like electricity shot through his body from the kiss and his mind, body, everything urged him to be close to Dean. Everything was forgotten. He just wanted Dean to kiss him again.

“I guess so.” Castiel sent him a shy smile and met with Dean's gorgeous green eyes. He could stare at them all day.

“I'm going to go shower. You look good by the way.” Dean raised his eyebrow suggestively and kissed Castiel quickly. “Be right back.”

Castiel's mood was significantly better from then.

***

“Aw, Castiel. Your apartment is so cute!” Anael cooed and attacked Castiel in a crushing hug. “It's been so long since I've seen you!” Castiel looked at Michael who was awkwardly standing behind her. He gave a wave and Castiel waved back as Anael continued crushing his life force. “Okay! So, where is the boyfriend?” She asked as Sam walked into the room. “Oh he's so cute!” Castiel turned around and his face turned red.

“No. No. That's _Sam_.” Castiel said like it meant something to her. “That's Dean's brother. He's dating Jess. Dean is still downstairs.” Anael smiled apologetically at Sam like she was saying 'sorry, didn't mean to think you were gay.'

Jess' parents showed up before Dean came upstairs and now the living room was pretty noisy. Castiel was getting impatient. He wanted Dean to meet his family.

“I heard there was a family party and _I_ was not invited. I am hurt.” By the look on Michael's face, that could only be one person.

“Lucifer.” Michael gritted his teeth and turned around to glare at him. Castiel looked distressed. Today was already going downhill.

“Guys. Not right now.” Anael said with a glare. Lucifer chose to look by Michael and grin deviously and Sam looked up at the same time, looking more distressed than Castiel.

“Seriously?” He whined and Lucifer walked over to Sam as he groaned, very childishly, in front of Jess' parents. Luckily they just seemed amused.

“Sorry guys. I'm here.” Dean announced from the doorway to the basement and Anael watched Castiel perk up at the sound of Dean's voice. Castiel waved Dean over and Dean complied.

“This is my sister, Anael and this is my brother, Michael.” Castiel said sounding oddly proud.

“Nice to meet you.” Dean put on one of his best smiles and Castiel could tell that Anael fell for it. She seemed flustered. Michael really didn't say much, his mood dampened by the fact that Lucifer showed up. But honestly, he expected as much.

“Dad!” Sam called out and Dean's eyes darted to the door. He looked desperate.

John walked in and greeted everyone with a smile. Castiel couldn't tell why Dean was so nervous. His father seemed pleasant enough. The part that had Castiel nervous was if everyone was going to enjoy dinner. He worked really hard on it. And now he noticed that after all the table setting, they were now one short thanks to a certain devil.

***

“My compliments to the chef!” Jess' mom said happily. “It looks fantastic.” It _should_ look perfect. Castiel plated them excellently.

“Thank you.” Castiel nodded his head in her direction.

“Aww, Cassie. You're the housewife? That's adorable.” Lucifer teased and Castiel glared at him.

“I swear to god, Lucifer. If you don't shut up.” Michael threatened and Anael sighed.

“Why don't you make me, daddy's boy?” Lucifer scowled and Castiel sent Dean a sad look and Dean just chuckled quietly as he shoved more food in his mouth. Lucifer and Michael continued to argue and everyone else attempted to ignore them.

“So, Dean. What do you do for a living?” Anael asked with a smile. She just really wanted to know more about this really cute stranger (even though it's her brother's boyfriend, it's okay to look... right?)

“I'm a mechanic.” Dean said after (thankfully) swallowing before speaking. “What do you do?”

“I'm a nurse.” Dean nodded as to say 'cool' but his mouth was full again.

“What about you, Michael? What do you do?” Dean asked and Michael stopped fighting long enough to answer.

“I'm a lawyer.” He said stiffly and continued glaring at Lucifer.

“A lawyer? No way. That's what I'm going to be. I'm still interning at this place though.” Sam said excitedly and Michael smiled at him, which pissed off Lucifer to no end.

“Really? How long are you going to be interning, do you know?”

“Um.. I think for another year or so. It's kind of hard to get out there, you know?” Michael nodded and pulled out his wallet and handed Sam a business card.

“This is my firm and my number. Why don't you give me a call. We can chat and I'm _sure_ I can find you a job better than an intern.” Sam couldn't smile any wider and Lucifer didn't think he could glare harder.

“Are you serious? That's awesome. Thank you so much.” Sam graciously accepted the card and held it like it was valuable.

“You're very welcome, Sam. A friend of Castiel's is a friend of mine, right?” Castiel gave him a weak smile, still slightly put off that he was fighting with Lucifer for a solid ten minutes.

Sam rose to take the plates and Jess followed. Dean was still eating so he didn't move and Castiel was in an awkward transition where he wanted to help clear the table but he was scared to move because he didn't think Michael and Lucifer would be kept at bay. Jess shook her head at him and mouthed 'you cooked' and Castiel sat back down and nervously looked at his brothers. Dean also looked at Castiel's face and the arguing men at the end of the table and quickly stood up.

“So who wants some pie?” He excused himself to the kitchen and Castiel sighed and put his head in his hand and watched his brothers fight.

## Chapter Thirteen:

“Angel.” Castiel heard a voice whisper. He was sleeping, he was tired. He groaned. “Angel. Wake up.”

There was a few moments of him murmuring unintelligible words until he willed himself to open his eyes. They burned and teared up. He was so tired.

“Dean?” His voice croaked and he saw Dean's smile in the shadows of the room. “Why are you waking me up?” His voice kept cracking.

“Come on, Cas. You can sleep in the car.” He promised and led Castiel out of the bed. Castiel let Dean guide him with no questions asked. He walked with Dean out of the apartment and down the stairs to the car. When Dean opened the door, Castiel climbed in and was met with pillows and blankets. Dean closed the door behind him and got in on the other side.

It was cold outside and the car hadn't been warming up for very long. Dean tried. He wrapped Castiel in more blankets and kissed his hand, loving the sleepy look on Castiel's face.

“Go to sleep.” He said quietly. “Go to sleep, Angel. It's okay.” Castiel nodded slowly and curled up in a ball with his pillows and blankets and found sleep quite quickly.

***

“Cas.” Castiel felt his arm being shaken. He opened one eye, looking at Dean. For a minute he forgot where he was and he wondered why he was in Dean's car. “Good morning, sleepy-head. I got you coffee and an apple cider donut.” Dean smiled at him and Castiel stretched and sat up correctly in the seat, taking the coffee and donut from Dean, still slowly waking up.

“Where are we?” He asked in a raspy voice.

“You'll find out soon enough.” Dean took a sip from his coffee and started the car up again. Castiel sunk into his seat, wrapping himself up in his blanket again and leaning his head on the window, tiredly watching Dean drive with a smile.

“I love you.” It came out a lot quieter than he intended but Dean still heard him and reached his arm over and grabbed Castiel's hand.

“Love you forever.” Castiel raised an eyebrow.

“Like you for always.” He added and Dean smiled.

“As long as I'm living my angel you'll be.” Castiel chuckled softly and shook his head and bit his donut.

“I can't believe you know that book.” Dean made a poor effort to tickle Castiel in playful anger.

“Hey, I had a childhood too.” He argued and Castiel just smiled at him.

“ _And it's as long as I'm living my **baby** you'll be._ ” He corrected and Dean rolled his eyes and tickled Castiel again who twitched at Dean's touch.

“Well I don't call you _baby_ I call you _angel_. And you'll be my angel for as long as I live.” Castiel held Dean's hand, stopping it from tickling him and gave his hand a squeeze.

***

The third time Castiel woke up, they were parked on a cliff. He saw mountains in the distance and in the valley everything was beautiful, but dormant. It was a breathtaking view, especially as the sun was rising and hues of orange, yellow and pink spread through the clouds. Castiel sat in stunned silence as Dean had his arm wrapped around him.

“Why are we here?” Castiel whispered and Dean kissed his forehead.

“Oh, Angel. There's an eclipse in a few hours. I wanted you to get a nice seat.” Dean ruffled Castiel's hair and Castiel stared up at Dean like he always did. Like Dean was the only person he saw. “And plus, we're really high up so I figured you'd like being close to home. Heaven.” Dean gave Castiel a cheesy smile and Castiel shook his head, soft smile gracing his lips.

“Love you.” Dean said nothing, only kissed him.

They watched the sun rise and saw how the valley below seemed to come to life. They sat there quietly for a while just admiring nature outside. It was one of the most relaxing things Castiel ever did. He was glad that Dean was there with him.

“Come on.” Dean jumped out of the car and Castiel saw that Dean was also in his pajamas. Dark blue sweatpants, a long sleeved pajama shirt and his leather jacket. So Castiel didn't feel so silly in his light blue plaid pants, a really ugly grandpa sweater and his trench coat. Neither of them matched but up there on that cliff, it didn't matter.

Castiel climbed out of the car as Dean leaned in the back seat gathering items. He spread a blanket out in front of the car and grabbed even more blankets, even some pillows and a basket. Castiel joined him on the blanket and Dean wrapped them both up. Castiel looked at Dean's green eyes. Just as beautiful as the day they met. He knew that Dean wouldn't play a joke on him. He should have realized sooner. Then maybe they'd have a couple more days together. It didn't matter that they were there, together. Castiel wanted more. He wished he met Dean when he was young and was Dean's first throughout life.

He sat there in realization that he'd never be Dean's first while Dean was his first everything. And he knew it shouldn't bother him. But it did. It bothered him as they sat on top of the world together and admired the view. It bothered him as they ate the sandwiches Dean made for them. And it even bothered him as Dean cupped his face and kissed him all over.

***

The eclipse was beautiful. But he expected it to be. He enjoyed the day with Dean. They spent pretty much the whole day in their pajamas overlooking the world together. And Castiel was still bothered.

But he decided to ignore the growing, gnawing feeling in his stomach and his heart. Jealousy wasn't the way to go, especially since Dean was his now and that's all that _should_ matter.

But it didn't.

“Hey angel, you hungry?” Dean asked as they were driving home. He didn't know how far away from home they were, but they'd already been in the car for two hours.

“Yeah.” Castiel said quietly and Dean gripped his hand tightly.

“Are you okay, Cas? You're really quiet.” Dean acknowledged and Castiel shrugged. How was he to say that something as stupid as he was with someone before Castiel even knew who he was bothered him as much as it did.

“I'm okay. Thank you for today, Dean. It was exceptional.” Dean rubbed his thumb over Castiel's hand.

“I wanted it to be. For you. Now you cheer your ass up because we're going inside to eat.” Dean gave a wolfish grin and Castiel just stared at him in slight horror.

“We're in our pajamas, Dean.” He deadpanned and Dean shrugged with a smirk.

“We're in our pajamas, _together_ , Cas.” He retorted and Castiel sighed and stared at the window.

***

Despite not wanting to go into the diner, Castiel had a swell time. Dean fed him food from his fork, flicked other stuff at him. They fought over the last piece of bread, only to have their giggling waitress give them more bread. Dean stole most of Castiel's fries and Castiel stole most of Dean's onion rings and only after they ate did they come to the conclusion they should've switched to begin with.

And Dean was giddy when he ordered a _large_ vanilla milkshake with _two_ straws. He seemed so proud of himself.

So when the huge cup filled with ice cream substance, an amount of whipped cream that should be illegal and two cherries on top, he bounced in his seat.

Castiel didn't notice that Dean asked the waitress to take a picture of them drinking the shake together. But when Dean had the picture on his phone, he practically glowed.

***

Valentine's day was a celebration day that Dean and Castiel never really cared about. But the fact that they were sharing that day together made them go crazy.

Castiel couldn't count how much money he'd already spent on chocolate. He knew Dean liked chocolate so now Dean had a whole bag of it.

Dean knew Castiel didn't have much of a sweet tooth so Castiel had a bag of Cheez-its. They insisted that neither of them wanted anything so naturally both of them got the other something.

Castiel got Dean a home beer tap system (an odd thing for valentine's day but Dean didn't like girly things so why not?). And Dean got Castiel a promise ring. It was the first time he'd ever bought jewelry for anyone. He didn't know if Castiel would like it, so he was kind of scared for that but he had it engraved. “As long as I'm living my angel you'll be” was written in script along the outside of the white-gold ring.

With a sense of nervousness, both of them were equally excited to show the other their gift.

They decided to eat in so they didn't have to deal with going out on Valentine's day which is just an awful idea anyway. And plus, Castiel would rather make Dean a homemade meal for their special day than go out.

Luckily, Sam and Jess felt differently so they were going out. Castiel and Dean had the house to themselves.

On Valentine's day, Castiel was the first to get home from work. He took that time to set up the downstairs with a small table and two chairs. Luckily there was a storage closet in their room which was where they kept all of the spare things anyway.

He put a table cloth on it and a candle in the middle. He set the table with napkins, silverware, and cups, leaving the plates upstairs.

When he got himself dressed and ready he walked upstairs and bumped into Jess as she came home.

“Cas! You look so handsome!” She hugged him, he awkwardly returned the hug. “You excited for Valentine's day?”

“I suppose I'm more excited for it than I've ever been.” He admitted truthfully.

“That's great. I'm excited to hear about your Valentine's day but right now I only have two hours to get ready.” She ran into her room and Castiel shook his head at her. Women.

***

Dean got home around six, apologizing. He said he was stuck late working on a car, which was a lie. He was picking up the ring because the damn ring maker thought Valentine's Day was the day to finish the ring. Castiel shrugged, not really affected by it much. He just had more time to cook which was fine.

“I picked out your clothes and can you take a shower upstairs tonight?” Dean seemed confused. “Don't over think. You'll find out eventually.” Dean nodded and kissed Castiel's cheek.

“Alright Cas. I'll be back then.”

When Dean came out of the bathroom, cleaned and shaven, he couldn't help but smell the deliciousness that was Castiel's cooking and sent a silent thank you to whomever destined it to be that Castiel could cook. Because Dean could cook... party food like burgers.

The kitchen was cleaned which confused Dean and so was the dining room. He had no idea why the house smelled so good when he couldn't find food anywhere.

“Dean!” Castiel called from downstairs and Dean sighed. He hoped he didn't have to wait too long for food. He was so hungry.

Dean walked downstairs and saw the tiny table, set up all nice with a bottle of wine, two cups and whatever food Castiel made. Dean was more than excited.

“Time to eat.” Dean walked briskly over to Castiel and kissed him, with so much force he thought they were going to fall over.

“Love you forever.” He whispered, Castiel smiled.

“Like you for always.” He added and both of them sat down to eat.

Dean gushed about how he couldn't believe Castiel made Fillet mignon and shrimp scampi together and how dinner was awesome and Castiel basked in the compliments. They ate quietly for a while until Dean reached in his pocket and pulled out a small box and slid it over to Castiel.

“Happy Valentine's day, Angel.” He said softly and Castiel slowly grabbed the box. He'd never seen such a tiny box for a present. He didn't know what it could be. A memory card? Castiel opened the box and looked at it, like he was analyzing it. He pulled out the ring and squinted so he could see the inscripture. He looked at Dean. “Do you like it?”

“I...” Castiel looked confused. “A ring?”

“It's a promise ring.” Dean confirmed, now getting slightly nervous.

“What is a promise ring?” Castiel asked and Dean was surprised to find that Castiel had no idea.

“It means that I promise to annoy the shit out of you for the rest of our pathetic lives.” Dean grinned and Castiel smiled at him. It sounded like a great plan.

## Chapter Fourteen:

“Wow, Dean.” Sam sat back on the couch. “Are you serious? That's insane.” Dean nodded in agreement. It had been one year. Him and Castiel.

“I know. Crazy, right? I never thought I'd be the one to settle down.” Dean sat down on Castiel's reading chair. “With someone like Cas no less.”

“Have you guys even... you know?” Sam blushed at the question, but he was always curious. That earned a sour look from Dean.

“I don't want to talk about it.” He grumbled and pouted.

“I'll take that as a no. I'm impressed. How did you manage to stay with Cas for a whole year without sex? That's not like you.” Sam teased and Dean sighed.

“Cas ain't ready. I honestly think that little sap is waiting till marriage or somethin.” Dean leaned farther back in the chair. “Just my luck, huh?”

“So are you guys going to get married?” Sam asked curiously. “Has it crossed your mind?”

“Of course. I think Cas and I would be perfect together. Why not get married? I can't see him with anyone but me.” Sam looked at Dean with a weird look. “What?”

“Say that again?”

“Cas and I would be perfect together.” Dean repeated blankly.

“No. You can't see him with anyone but you?” Dean nodded. “That's a weird way to put it. Most people say the opposite.”

“Well, can you?” Dean deadpanned and Sam paused and shrugged.

“You're right. I can't see him be weird and clingy with anyone but you.”

“Weird and clingy? What do you mean?”

“You haven't noticed? It's been a year Dean.” Dean glared at Sam, Sam raised his arms in defeat. “I'm just saying he does _anything_ you ask him to do. No questions asked.”

“I know, isn't it great?” Dean practically giggled, Sam huffed.

“And you're always together. And he just looks at you like you're an important artifact.”

“Have you seen me, Sam? I _am_ an important artifact. Just sayin'.” Sam gave Dean a bitch face and Dean didn't retract his comment. “What's wrong with the guy bein' in love with me, Sammy?”

“Nothing. It's sweet. But I just think...” Sam stopped himself and Dean leaned forward in his chair.

“What, Sammy?” He narrowed his eyes and Sam shook his head. “What??”

“Ugh... I just think he's more into you than you are him. That's it. I said it.” Dean shook his head.

“Not true. I totally dig Cas. I'm practically the freakin virgin Mary over here. Of course I have a thing for Cas.” Dean snapped and Sam nodded.

“I know you love him. Maybe it's just in Cas' nature not to say no. But you ask him to do something, he does it. Sometimes he asks you to do something and you say no. I don't know, it's stupid.” Dean didn't know what to say. He couldn't remember an example of what Sam was saying, but now he was damn pissed and ready to prove Sam wrong.

He was just as into Cas as Cas was him. Simple.

***

“Hey Angel. How was work?” Dean asked, leaning over the couch. Castiel sighed and pulled his coat off, he was covered in coffee. Dean laughed and had to force himself to stop because Castiel looked truly distraught. “Oh, Cas...” He stood up and took Castiel's coat from him and gave him a kiss. “My poor angel.”

“It seems that Gabriel didn't know when coffee pots are hot, you can't get them cold instantly after or they explode.” Castiel sighed and shook his head. “Or maybe he did and just hates me. I don't know.”

“Come on. Why don't we get you cleaned up?” Castiel nodded slowly and followed Dean downstairs.

“Dean, I hate to ask, but do you mind figuring out what's for dinner. I'm really not in the mood to cook...” Castiel admitted quietly as he stripped off his clothes. Dean was really put out by that. It was Castiel's job to make dinner. That's what everyone was used to. Why was it suddenly his turn?

Dean went to object but thought of Sam earlier.

“Of course, angel.” Castiel looked at Dean, rather surprised but the warm smile on his face was well worth it.

“Thank you.” He said graciously and kissed Dean. “I really need to relax. Today sucked.” And so Castiel vented about how stupid customers were and how he had never heard of an “iced cappuccino” but a customer wanted it and yelled at Castiel when he had no idea what they were talking about. 

“Wow, people are stupid.” Dean smiled, not knowing the difference between a cappuccino and a latte but wanting Castiel to have the satisfaction of venting anyway. “So you take your bath and I'm going to go make dinner. Love you.”

“Forever.” Castiel finished with a smile and Dean paused, looked at Castiel and grinned.

“Like you for always.” Dean kissed Castiel's hand. “As long as I'm living my angel you'll be. Now relax. I'll go do dinner.”

Dean jogged up the stairs and saw Sam and Jess lounging on the couch just chatting.

“Hey Dean.” Jess smiled. “Where is Cas?”

“Cas is relaxing. _I_ am making dinner.” Dean said proudly and Jess and Sam shared an impressed nod and Dean strode into the kitchen.

***

“ _I_ am ordering a pizza.”

“Dean. What the hell is smoking in the kitchen?” Sam sighed and Dean ignored him and reached for the phone.

***

“I can't believe it.” Castiel grinned and shook his head.

“What? I can be romantic.” Dean wrapped his hands around Castiel. “Can't I, angel?”

“Yes. But you're too much.” Castiel rubbed his fingertips on the hardcover copy of “Love You Forever” and when he opened it, he was even more surprised.

_Cas,_

_My angel, it's been like a year and shit. Wow. A year. Can you believe that? I've put up with your crap for an entire year. You should thank me, really. I am a saint._

_In all honesty, I'm glad I got to spend this year with you. And I'll let this book do the talking because we're going to have forever to love each other. And I will love you every day until and passed then._

_Love,  
Dean_

“Thank you.” Castiel hugged Dean extremely tightly. “Thank you so much.”

“You're welcome.” Dean kissed Castiel's ear.

“Ow. That's loud.” Castiel rubbed his ear and Dean frowned.

“No it's not.” And then Castiel spent the next five minutes trying to kiss Dean's ear and Dean kept shoving him away because now he was scared.

When Castiel finally did it, Dean pissed and moaned and Castiel sat on Dean, victorious.

***

“What the fuck are you drinking?” Dean asked Castiel, Jess and Sam. They all had really gross green drinks.

“Mean Green!” Jess said happily. “We're juicing!”

“Wanna join?” Sam asked with a smirk and Dean looked extremely grossed out and took a sip of his beer.

“No thanks. Fuckin' losers.”

“Jerk.”

“Bitch.”

“Come on. Taste it. It isn't that bad.” Castiel handed his shake to Dean who stared at it like it was going to eat him. “It's celery, green apple, kale, spinach, ginger, and lemon.”

“That's freaking gross, man. Why are you doing it to yourself?” Dean grabbed the drink and sniffed it carefully.

“It's _healthy_ , Dean.” Sam pointed out simply and took another sip. “Plus it isn't bad.” Dean took a sip and spit it out, and Castiel was unlucky enough to be standing in front of Dean. Sam and Jess covered their mouths and tried extremely hard not to laugh but Dean already toppled over.

“Oh my god! I'm _so_ sorry!” Castiel wiped his face calmly as Dean laughed so hard his face turned red.

“I can tell by how hard your laughing.” Castiel said in a monotone and Jess and Sam started laughing too. “Thanks guys. Thanks.” Castiel walked out of the room to wash his face... and change his clothes.

“No angel! I'm sorry! Come back!” Dean was on his knees reaching out for Castiel but he was still laughing pretty hard. Castiel kept walking.

***

“Ughhhhh I feel so sick..” Dean whined while they all sat on the couch for their late night TV show binge.

“Maybe if you juiced with us instead of eating that double bacon cheeseburger, you wouldn't feel like crap. We feel great.” Sam said happily and Dean narrowed his eyes at his brother.

“Don't you ever say that. I _will_ disown you.” Dean threatened and Castiel chuckled.

***

A few weeks later, Dean was at the garage. He suddenly felt... weird. He couldn't put his finger on it. But something wasn't right.

He spent the rest of the day at work feeling like something was wrong.

He tried to text Castiel about it but Castiel was really busy at work and Dean could understand that. He was technically busy but he couldn't stop worrying. He worked through as much as he could and finally it was time to leave.

The ride home was oddly ominous. The skies were dark, he could smell the upcoming rain. It just wasn't a good day.

With his hands on his baby's steering wheel he took in a deep breath. Maybe Sam would know what to do? All he knew was thing gnawing feeling wasn't going away. He wanted to feel normal but all day was the same. He felt like something was missing. But for the life of him, he couldn't place it.

He got home and was smacked in the face with the smell of Castiel's cooking. He was grateful that dinner was almost done. It gave him something to be happy about. But when he saw the look on Sam's face he knew something was really off. And now that he thought about it... the smell in the kitchen was _really_ good. Too good for a normal night's dinner.

Jess also looked pretty down. She was curled up on Sam's lap and Sam seemed completely out of it. Dean hung up his coat and walked over to the couch.

“Sammy? What's wrong?” Sam stared at Dean and shook his head.

“Can we talk about this after dinner?” Sam asked quietly and Dean wanted to argue, but Jess gave him a pleading look so he nodded. He walked downstairs to get changed into his sweatpants. He hoped Sam's news wasn't horribly bad.

Maybe that's why he wanted to wait until later to tell him. Did he not want to upset Dean with the news? Dean's heart ached and he walked upstairs. Castiel was serving the food. His jaw was clenched, Dean noticed that right away. And his eyes reminded him of outside. Stormy.

“Cas, Angel. What's going on?” Dean asked and Castiel shook his head.

“I am not in the position to say.” With that Castiel retreated back to the kitchen. Everyone sat at their normal places and pushed around their food on the plates for a while. Dean couldn't handle it anymore.

“Damn it, Sammy. What's wrong?” Sam and Jess shared a look and Jess nodded. Sam sighed.

“Dean... There really isn't an easy way to say this... But I got a call today... they wanted to tell me that... well... dad is dead. He died this morning. Heart attack.” When Castiel saw the look on Dean's face, it broke his heart too.

## Chapter Fifteen:

There was no consoling Dean. And it wasn't like he cried and cried like a normal person coping. He shut off. Talking to him you'd be lucky to get a grunt in acknowledgment, let alone an actual coherent sentence.

It's been two weeks since they buried John and all Dean did was sit on the couch and stare at the television, but he wasn't paying attention to it. It was background noise, so he wouldn't go crazy in the quiet.

He took off work for a bit and now he was back. More than usual. Castiel was lucky to see him before dinner. Mostly he saw him at 9 at night when he was preparing for bed. Sam handled it a lot better. He vented, he cried. He was okay. He still hurt, but he was going to be okay, and Castiel knew that. He wasn't so sure about Dean.

Castiel tried to get Dean to talk, he tried real hard. All it got him was a really nasty look and Castiel decided to hold off for a while before trying again.

As more time passed, Castiel grew more somber. Dean didn't get better. He seemed to get worse. And any time Castiel tried to get him into their old ways, he would snap.

“Dean, this won't get better if you stay quiet.” Castiel reasoned for what seemed to be the eighty-seventh time since his father's passing. Dean remained silent. “I miss you.”

“I'm fucking _sorry_ Cass but you know, my DAD just fucking died so you're going to have to suck it the fuck up or get lost.” Castiel slumped where he sat and nodded.

The comment didn't bother him. Not really knowing what happened to his own father didn't bother him. If his father were to die or if he were to find out he was dead, Castiel would certainly not be bothered by it. It was the fact that him and Dean were perfect and now they were crumbling because Dean couldn't cope with his father's passing.

He felt selfish for thinking that way. Dean's father DID just die, but it was Sam's father too and Sam still talked to Jess. He still kissed Jess and hugged her and told her he loved her. Dean didn't do anything. He hadn't felt Dean's lips in weeks. Dean hasn't called him “angel” he didn't text him when he was at work, he barely ate dinner.

How do you help someone who doesn't want it? You can't. And that's what Castiel was going to have to learn.

Castiel loved Dean enough to put Dean's needs above his own. So he separated himself from Dean as best as he could. He didn't say good morning. He didn't make Dean's breakfast (he barely ate it anyway), he didn't text him at work and he didn't talk to Dean at all. He was craving Dean's attention by the end of the second day. He wanted Dean to talk to him. He wanted Dean to _miss_ him.

So Castiel slept on the couch.

“Are you guys okay?” Jess asked quietly after she saw Castiel comfortable on the couch the next morning. Castiel shrugged in response. “He really needs to learn better coping mechanisms.” She sighed and pat his feet and he moved them so she could sit. She put his blanket over her bare legs.

“I'm sorry. I know this is hard on you too.” She looked truly sorry. Castiel nodded.

“I don't know what more to do. I gave him space. I gave him more space. And I started sleeping here. I don't know what he wants, or doesn't want from me.” Jess frowned at him and leaned over and laid on him, wrapping her arms around his neck. Castiel quickly returned the motion. It was the first contact he had in a while. He missed it.

He never cuddled with a girl before and found that Jess was really comfortable. And she smelled really sweet. Castiel felt glad to have a friend like her. She knew what he was dealing with. She got to see it firsthand.

“Morning.” Sam waved, walking out of the bedroom in pajama pants and no shirt. He was rubbing his face tiredly. “Why are you on the couch and why are you on Cas?” Both answered “Dean” which for Jessica's question, made no sense but Sam accepted it anyway. He sat on the small empty section of the couch and Jess cuddled into his side, Castiel missed the warmth.

“C'mere.” Sam gestured and Jess tugged Castiel into their cuddle. “Dean will get better. It might take a while but he will.” Sam promised. It felt good to hear.

“You guys having an orgy and didn't invite me?” Castiel's heart hammered against his chest. He couldn't wipe the smile off his face and he turned his head and saw Dean standing at the top of the stairs with a tired smile on his face.

“Dean.” He breathed and jumped off the couch and slammed him into a hug.

“Whoa, buddy.” Dean stumbled and Castiel didn't look up. His face was buried in Dean's neck. “Cas, it's okay.” He wrapped his arms around Castiel and rubbed his back. “I'm okay.”

“We're okay?” The question was muffled but Dean heard it regardless.

“Of course we're okay, Angel.” Castiel felt tears prick his eyes but refused to cry. He just held Dean and relished in the thought of everything being better from here. Dean smelled the same. He was the same Dean. This is the same way he used to hold Castiel. Everything was going to be fine.

But it wasn't.

Dean wasn't the same.

***

Castiel fell back into their original routine. He got up, picked out Dean's clothes before Dean's alarm went off, and went to take a shower.

When he got out, he grabbed the towel and couldn't wipe the smile off his face.

It was warm.

***

Dean was acting normal, for the most part. At times he would zone out and no one could talk to him until he snapped back into reality. But he was doing well. Sam was always concerned that Dean didn't do much to cope but Castiel was too happy that Dean was giving him attention again that he hadn't noticed. Dean was smothering him with love and it was so exciting. He came home and saw flowers on the table one day and Jess smiled at him and said “they ain't mine”. Dean never got him flowers before.

But just as the good times came, so did the bad.

Dean would fly off the handle so easily at the smallest things, but Castiel would try so hard to appease him, wanting Dean to regain to normal. For the most part it worked.

For example;

Castiel was in the kitchen stirring the sauce for the sausage and peppers when Dean walked in.

“You good with the garbage?” Dean asked and Castiel nodded. Dean walked over and pulled the garbage out of the can and the bag tore down the side. Dean pursed his lips and sent Castiel a look. “Who picked up these garbage bags?”

“I did.” Castiel noticed the tear and quickly reached under the sink to grab another bag.

“No. Don't fucking bother because these shitty garbage bags will just fucking break. We've been buying the same god damn garbage bags for over a year. Why the hell did you buy a new one?!” Castiel stared at Dean with discomfort.

“They were out of the other ones...” He said quietly, extra bag in hand. “I'm sorry.”

“Damn fucking right. Now I gotta clean up _this_ damn mess because you got the wrong damn bag!” Castiel winced and nodded.

“It won't happen again. I apologize.” Castiel hung his head and Dean snatched the bag from his hand and the pull on the bag ripped it. Castiel took a step backwards.

“SEE!? THIS IS WHY THESE GARBAGE BAGS ARE FUCKING USELESS! GOD DAMN IT, CASTIEL!” Castiel sucked in a breath. Dean never called him Castiel. Did that mean he didn't love him anymore?

“I'm sorry, I'll clean it up. You go inside. It's my fault.” Castiel apologized profusely and Dean threw the garbage on the floor and stormed out of the room. Because he threw the bag there was garbage all across the floor. Castiel looked at the sauce and it was simmering still so he grabbed the dish washing gloves and a new bag and started picking up the mess.

He was breathing heavily. His heart beat painfully in his chest and he had to fight the urge to cry. He didn't want to lose Dean over garbage bags. He didn't want to lose Dean, period.

When he finally had most of the room clean, he looked back at the stove and noticed the sauce was bubbling over the pan and popping and smoking.

Castiel just collapsed on the floor and held his head.

“Why can't I do anything right?” He whispered to himself, a tear finally falling from his eye.

***

The next day Dean was completely normal. He kissed Castiel good morning when Castiel's alarm went off. The butterflies were back and Castiel beamed the entire morning.

Dean loved him again. Even after he ruined dinner and made a mess in the kitchen. It was okay because Dean was better now.

***

“Are you okay?” Gabriel eyed Castiel up and down. “You seem weird.”

“I'm fine.” Castiel said quickly and iced the cinnamon rolls.

“Listen, Cassie. I know something is bothering you. And I know you're all quiet for no reason other than to make people think you're an axe murderer or something but, for real? You can talk to me. I'll be your therapist. I'm a lot cheaper than one.” Gabriel winked and then paused for a second. “No. Not what I meant. I'm not cheap. If you want sex, you're going to have to pay top dollar for this hot young steed.”

“Gabriel.” Castiel said desperately. “Just please, stop.”

“Seriously.” Gabriel's face softened. “I haven't seen you this down since Dean's pop kicked the bucket.”

Gabriel was right. Him and Dean had another fight. This one, Dean punched a wall, right next to Castiel's head. It scared him for a good few hours. He was still scared now, he just wasn't shaking anymore.

The fight happened before Castiel got to work so it was still fresh in his mind. He hadn't even had time to apologize to Dean. He felt horrible.

This morning Castiel got up for work like he always did. He took a shower and got Dean's clothes ready. Usually Dean was up by now but Castiel figured Dean snoozed the alarm. He did that sometimes so Castiel went upstairs and started getting ready for work.

A half an hour later, Dean came upstairs with messy hair, rumpled clothes and a crazed look on his face.

“Why didn't you wake me up!?” Castiel gawked at him. He could only shrug. “You _know_ I have to be at work early today! You _know_ it's important! Why the fuck didn't you wake me up!?”

“I-I thought you just..”

“No! You didn't _think _, because you _don't_ think. And I'm getting really tired of your shit.” Castiel felt so ashamed. He let Dean down _again_. Why did this keep happening? He really tried. But Dean didn't like the silence and he was freaking out about being late and how he didn't have time for breakfast so the next time he was going to eat wouldn't be until lunch. Then he got a text saying “where are you?” and whirled around and punched the wall.__

__If it had been six inches to the left, he would've punched Castiel in the face._ _

__Dean left then, he left Castiel to stand there in horror even passed when Sam and Jess rushed out of the room after the sound of the front door being slammed shut._ _

__So yeah, Castiel was in a terribly bad mood. But worst of all is he didn't know how to fix it. How could he justify not waking up Dean? He should've remembered Dean had to be up. He should've woke him up. But he didn't and now Dean's work could suffer._ _

__Just thinking about the morning gave him chills. He wanted Dean to text him so badly. He wanted Dean to smile at him. He wanted Dean to forgive him._ _

__Castiel's eyebrows pushed together in frustration and he realized that he was taking his anger out on the cinnamon rolls. They probably had triple the amount of frosting and they looked like they were dying._ _

__“My kind of cinnamon roll.” Gabriel grinned and grabbed one and started eating it. Castiel just stared at him. “What?” He asked innocently. The door chimed and Castiel turned around and saw Dean. His heart got caught in his throat. For a minute he couldn't breathe. He wanted to run over to Dean and hug him. But was he allowed?_ _

__“Hey, black coffee please.” Gabriel put down his cinnamon roll._ _

__“Thank god you're here. Cassie has been in a shitty mood all damn day. Maybe you could talk to him.” Castiel tensed up. Would Dean think Castiel was blaming him for the bad mood? Would Dean be mad at him? But with one look at Dean's soft smiling face, Castiel was eased._ _

__“Come here, Angel.” Castiel followed Dean's orders. Dean tilted his chin up. “Don't be in a bad mood. Everything is okay.” He kissed Castiel and Castiel swore he thought he melted into it._ _

__“Love you.” Castiel blurred out and turned pink._ _

__“Forever. Like you for always.” Dean finished and Castiel fell in love all over again._ _

## Chapter Sixteen:

__Castiel was wiping down the tables in Heavenly Coffee a bit harsher than normal. Which is why he was startled when he heard someone behind him._ _

__"You alright?" He jumped and when he turned around, he was facing a man, taller than him with blonde hair and blue eyes, wearing a nicely fitted dark blue pinstriped suit._ _

__"Um. Yes. Yes, I-I'm okay." Castiel furrowed his brow, the man looked at him with concern._ _

__"Is that a bruise?" He asked quietly and Castiel shrunk away from him, looking around nervously._ _

__"I-I have no idea what you're talking about." Castiel looked everywhere but at the man in front of him._ _

__He was alone today. On Tuesday's they were pretty much dead, so they only needed one person in the store. To prove a point, this gentlemen was the first person in the store in over an hour. It was about 1pm, everyone was pretty much done with getting their breakfast and lunch._ _

__"You're right. It's absolutely none of my business." He held his hands up in defense. "However, I hope the other guy looks worse." He smiled, Castiel didn't look at him, he just looked down. "Such a nice face to hurt though." Castiel couldn't help the heat from rising in his cheeks._ _

__"Was there something I could get for you?" Castiel asked quietly and the man outstretched his hand._ _

__"Your name? My name is Balthazar. It's incredibly nice to make your acquaintance..." His eyes narrowed in anticipation._ _

__"Uh, Castiel." He nodded. "Nice to meet you."_ _

__"Well, Castiel. I never thought I'd be meeting such a nice looking fellow here in a coffee shop." Castiel wrapped his arms around his torso, making sure his ring was visible._ _

__"I'm.. uh. Not available." Castiel said, looking around the room nervously._ _

__"I see. Is he the one who gave you that?" Castiel's head snapped up._ _

__"What? No. Dean didn't hurt me." He said quickly and Balthazar gave him a knowing look and a forced smile._ _

__"Castiel, I was referring to that lovely ring you have." Castiel's face turned red._ _

__"Oh, of course. Yes. Dean. He gave this to me. For, um Valentine's Day." He murmured and then shook his head out of a daze. "Was there something I could get for you?" Balthazar smiled softly._ _

__"Yes, I would love if you could make me your best Cafe Au Lait." Castiel nodded vigorously, trying his best to get away from the situation._ _

__"Yes. Of course." He rushed to behind the counter and Balthazar gazed at him sympathetically._ _

__"You don't deserve to be treated that way." He said quietly and Castiel halted in his steps. "Again, I apologize. I don't mean to intrude." Castiel didn't respond._ _

__"He didn't mean it."_ _

__"Of course not." Balthazar cooed and leaned on the counter. "I can't see how anyone would mean to hurt someone like you."_ _

__"...Someone like me?"_ _

__"A precious soul." It was such a corny thing to say but it had Castiel buzzing. He turned to Balthazar and shook his head._ _

__"I'm not--"_ _

__"No matter what you say, Castiel. I can only see how precious you look. No one should lay a hand on your stunning face." Castiel took a sharp intake of breath and he was completely flustered._ _

__It had been a while since someone had given him positive attention. Sam and Jess were on vacation somewhere and Dean was hell bent on ignoring him. He thought there was nothing wrong but when they got into their most recent fight, he learned that there was._ _

__Dean had been drinking. He drinks a lot lately. He's drunk more than he isn't. And Castiel saw him reaching for his sixth beer that night and calmly commented on it. Dean whipped around and smacked Castiel across the face, his eyes were blown. He didn't look like himself. He looked possessed. Castiel just stood in mild horror, cupping the hurt cheek. Dean was huffing._ _

__"Don't you _dare_ say a damn thing about my goddamn drinking. You hear me?" Castiel nodded slowly and Dean stalked away from him and Castiel didn't know what to say or do. He just sat down, right there in the middle of the kitchen._ _

__But having Balthazar right there, a nice, good looking man giving him attention... Well, it was refreshing. He'd been with Dean for over a year, he hadn't ever looked at anyone else, but he'd be lying if he didn't say it wasn't enjoying it._ _

__"If you need to talk to anyone, here's my number." Castiel held the card in his hand. "Here you go, darling." He handed Castiel a five and Castiel shook his head and for some reason said,_ _

__"Don't worry. It's on the house."_ _

__Balthazar's smile was infectious. He winked at Castiel._ _

__"Thanks, love."_ _

__***_ _

__"Castiel!" Castiel glanced up from his seat on the park bench and saw Lucifer jogging towards him. "How are..." He stopped mid sentence and Castiel stared at the ground, face burning. "Is that a bruise?"_ _

__"It's fine, Lucifer. I did it to myself." Castiel replied, staring up and looking at his brother with so much conviction, he nearly couldn't tell he was lying to himself._ _

__"How would you do that to yourself?" Lucifer asked with a huff, crossing his arms._ _

__"I was tired and wasn't paying attention and smacked myself with the refrigerator door." Castiel replied calmly. "I did it to myself. Now, was there something you needed?"_ _

__"No... But I guess I'll ask why you're here by yourself."_ _

__"I just needed some time to be alone." _So maybe Dean will have a chance to miss me.__ _

__"Oh. Okay. Well, I'm sorry to leave you but I was on my way to work. Don't aggressively open any more doors, okay?" He gave a weak smile and left._ _

__***_ _

__Castiel hated it. He'd stayed out an additional three hours and twenty-seven minutes and yet, here he was without a concerned phone call or text to show for it. He supposed it was childish of him to wait for Dean to be concerned about him before going home, but at this point he didn't care. There was nothing in his relationship with Dean that urged him to stay._ _

__Except for the fact that every fiber of his being screamed at him to be near him. He loved Dean, he wanted to be with him always. His heart burned, wondering if he were someone else if Dean would worry about his whereabouts. He chided himself on his immaturity but found himself unable to care._ _

__With a heavy heart, he went home._ _

__***_ _

__"Cas! Hey, you're home! We've been--" Jess began happily and stopped when she saw Castiel's face. "Oh my goodness, sweetheart, what happened?! Is this why you're so late? Did someone hurt you?" She ran over and cupped his face in her hands. She looked so worried. Castiel's eyes started to burn. He internally scolded himself. Don't cry._ _

__"Seriously Cas, that's quite a bruise." Sam walked over, concern flooding his eyes. He placed a hand on Castiel's shoulder. "What happened?"_ _

__Castiel's gaze trailed over to where Dean sat, on the couch, staring at him as he sipped a beer. Calmly, Dean put the bottle down on the arm and looked at Castiel with almost a daring look._ _

__"Yeah Cas, what happened?"_ _

__***_ _

__It didn't take too long for Castiel to start talking to Balthazar more. He didn't have anyone to confide in. He didn't want anything to happen with Sam and Dean so refused to talk to Jess or Sam about the matter. But Balthazar was great to talk to. He listened. Castiel felt for the first time in a long time some sort of connection with someone. He didn't talk about Dean to Balthazar. He talked about himself. Aspirations, thing's he's read, his favorite foods. Everything. And Balthazar told him everything about himself in return._ _

__The next week, while Castiel was cleaning the shop, Balthazar showed up with a bright smile on his face._ _

__"Hello, Cassie." Castiel gave him a sour look and he laughed. "No?"_ _

__"No." Castiel retorted flatly and Balthazar took a seat at one of the tables. "What are you doing here? We're almost closed."_ _

__"But you're not yet. You still have another 18 minutes." Castiel gave Balthazar a small smile. "Not that I was counting."_ _

__"So what did you have in mind?" Castiel asked as he turned around and crossed his arms, facing Balthazar with his whole body._ _

__"I figured that you'd whip me up one of those fantastic Cafe Au Laits again." Castiel rolled his eyes._ _

__"You realize it isn't anything special, it's coffee with steamed milk."_ _

__"Yes, but you know just the way I like it." Balthazar said purred seductively. Castiel's face reddened and he quickly walked behind the counter and got to work. He heard the door open and made a note to himself that he had another customer, but he needed time to level his breathing. "You alright back there, Cassie?"_ _

__"I told you not to call me that!" Castiel chuckled, sighing and shaking his head._ _

__"Yes, but you're so cute when you're mad at me."_ _

__"Well you're about to see me look really cute then..." Castiel said dryly._ _

__"I can't see how that's even possible." Castiel went to retort but was cut off by a familiar voice._ _

__"Oh it's possible. You should see the face he makes when my cock is in his mouth. Hi, Dean Winchester, Castiel's boyfriend." Castiel tensed and dropped the cup he was holding. He whirled around and saw possibly the most tense exchange he'd ever seen in his entire life._ _

__"Dean." Castiel damn near squeaked. "What are you doing here?" Dean turned to him and looked hurt._ _

__"I thought you liked when I came and visited you, Angel." He walked over to the counter and leaned over on it. "Looks like now you have someone else to visit you though."_ _

__"No. Dean. No. That's. That isn't what happened." Castiel shook his head vigorously._ _

__"Do you want me to go?" Castiel continued to shake his head. "Are you sure? I'm honestly not feeling very welcomed." Castiel's heart was hammering in his chest._ _

__"You're welcomed, Dean. Very welcomed. I just... You haven't come to see me in so long..." It's true, Dean hadn't been to Heavenly Coffee in about 4 months._ _

__"Well, Angel. I promise you that you will be seeing a lot more of me." He gave Castiel a grin and looked at Balthazar out of the corner of his eye. "Love you."_ _

__He then gave Castiel the most obscenely R rated kisses Castiel had gotten in a while, leaving Castiel flustered and breathing harder than he was before._ _

__"Forever." Castiel breathed out and Dean gave him a beautiful smile._ _

__Castiel was so immersed in Dean's smile, he didn't even notice Balthazar leaving. Nothing could have prepared him for the warmth he was feeling all over his body from just a kiss from Dean._ _

__"I missed you." Castiel's lips were pressed in a thin line, trying to keep them from quivering._ _

__"Oh, Angel." Dean wrapped his arms around Castiel's shoulders from across the counter. Castiel broke out of the hug and quickly met Dean on the other side of the counter, wrapping Dean in his arms, hoping he wouldn't let go. Dean's hands rubbed Castiel's back and he felt the heat from them. His heart hammered in his ears. He couldn't have felt better than he did right now if he tried._ _

__No matter what happened, Dean's arms were always the warmest. No one could ever compare to Dean. No matter what they did. Castiel knew in the dark corners of his mind that he would always want Dean. His heart urged him to find Dean. He wanted to be loved by Dean. He wanted everything to go back to how it was before Dean's father died._ _

__Times like this made him hope that he could get them back. That him and Dean could have their normal life together. He could fix this. They could fix each other._ _

__And the frog nestled at the bottom of the slow boiling pot._ _


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm impressed with everyone who has read this already. And thank you to the people who left Kudos! I'd love to hear any feedback if possible! The whole story should be posted within the hour. I just need to put all the formating stuff (like the italics and bold and shit like that)
> 
> Anyway, this is where the story get's real dark. Be warned.

## Chapter 17

Castiel should have figured that things would go south again. He thought by Dean seeing someone else flirt with him, he would realize that he wanted him. That's... how it happened. Just not in the way that Castiel had hoped.

When he got home, Dean looked solemn. He held out his hand and Castiel tilted his head to the side, confused.

"Let me see your phone, Cas." He said calmly. Castiel had no idea what Dean wanted his phone for. His mind reeled, was there something that could get him in trouble?? His heart started to race and he didn't move. "Your phone." Dean demanded, angrier. 

"W-why." Castiel stammered. He was thinking back of everything he talked to Gabriel and Balthazar about. He was drawing a blank. He was so scared.

Dean stomped over and rummaged through Castiel's pockets. Castiel tried his best to deflect Dean but he couldn't, Dean obtained his phone. Castiel's heartbeat was hammering in his ears. He wanted to throw up. And Dean began going through his phone.

"Who is Balthazar?" Castiel's mouth went dry. He started stuttering nonsense and Dean's eyes narrowed. "Was he the guy in the coffee shop?" Castiel started to shake his head.

"D-dean. It isn't what you think." He was trembling like he was cold. His teeth were chattering and his mind was awry. How could he make this better? Dean was livid.

"Really? Because it sure as hell seems to me like you and your new buddy are talking way more than you want me to believe. The hell, Cas?"

"Dean. That isn't it. He's just a friend." Dean started laughing as he skimmed through the text messages.

"Yeah? Why is he calling you 'love' and talkin to you like he knows you? What are you hiding?" Castiel tried to speak, he couldn't. Everything came out as unintelligible babble. "Wow. Nice. Here I thought you loved me. Looks like you'll do anything for some attention." Castiel was smacked in the face with shame. Is that what Balthazar was to him? Just attention.

"Dean. No. I love you. I love you so much." Dean scoffed and waved the phone in front of Castiel.

"Yeah, sure. Because it seems like it. You know, Cas? I really don't think this is working out." Castiel felt like all the heat left his body. His blood stopped flowing, his heart stopped beating and he couldn't breathe. It took him a minute to catch himself from falling.

"W-what are you talking about Dean?" Dean threw his phone across the room. 

"I'm just saying that here I thought you loved me and only me and you're going behind my back. I don't like it Cas. And I don't know if I can forgive you." Castiel panicked. Why wasn't Dean hitting him? That would be way less painful than this. He felt like clawing out of his skin, it hurt too much to be in it. Maybe if he peeled his skin off, he wouldn't have that pulsing feeling of pain throb through his body.

"Dean." Castiel's voice cracked. "Dean don't. Please Dean. I'll do anything. Please. Please don't leave me. I love you so much." Tears were flowing down Castiel's face and he was hiccupping with how hard he was trying to breathe and calm himself. 

"Castiel, how do you expect me to trust you when you go behind my back?" He didn't go behind Dean's back. Not really. All he did was talk to Balthazar. He just needed someone to talk to. How could he make Dean realize that he wasn't interested in Balthazar? He should admit he liked the attention, but he was scared that would just affirm Dean's suspicions. 

"Please." Castiel dropped to the floor, he was so overwhelmed with emotions he couldn't force himself to stand anymore. "Please." He was chanting like a mantra. His fingers curled into the carpet beneath them. He envisioned it being his flesh. He wanted something to hurt him, to take his mind off of it. He kept thinking that he was slowly being lowered on a dagger that dug into his skin and pierced his heart. "I'll do anything." Castiel was essentially groveling at Dean's feet. 

Dean felt like he was a good guy. And he was ticked that Castiel decided that his attention wasn't enough. After everything he did for Cas, he went on and decided to talk to some asshole, just like that? Imagine if he hadn't caught Cas! They could be sleeping together right now! Castiel the virgin, being fucked by some English prick.

Then, Dean knew _exactly_ how Castiel could prove himself.

"Castiel." Dean's voice held authority and it was softer. Castiel felt his body get fuzzy with affection. Dean's voice was so soft. He felt like Dean was going to forgive him. His heart hammered in his chest and he slowly looked up at Dean with his bloodshot eyes. Dean's eyes were red too. Like maybe he had cried. It tugged on Castiel's heartstrings. Dean had _cried_ over something he did. Castiel felt like dirt. Lower than that, even. He couldn't forgive himself, how did he expect Dean to.

"Dean." Castiel croaked and Dean gave Castiel a hand. Castiel bore into Dean's hand like it was the answer to all of his prayers and slowly, with a shaky hand he took it and Dean pulled him up from his hell. He was still shaking and it was hard to stand with wobbly legs but even still he looked at Dean in the eyes. His eyes were so gorgeous. So much prettier than Balthazar's could ever be. How could Dean think that Castiel would hurt him in that way?

Dean took a step forward and wrapped one arm around Castiel's waist and his other hand reached to Castiel's face. Castiel was enveloped in warmth. Everything was better. Right? Is that what this meant?

"I want something that Balthazar can _never_ have." Dean's voice was so quiet. Castiel heard every word he said. However he wasn't sure if he understood what that meant.

"You have me. He doesn't." Castiel said, voice laced with confusion.

Dean slammed Castiel to the wall behind him and pushed him up the wall, nestling himself between Castiel's legs. Castiel's breathing was labored and he started to shiver.

"No Cas." Dean's arms slid down Castiel's body and they found their place on Castiel's ass. "I want something Balthazar can _never ever have_." Castiel's eyes widened at the sudden realization of what Dean was insinuating.

Dean wanted his virginity. Something he had held on for all of these years. Something he wanted to give to his spouse after they were married. His most treasured possession. Dean wanted it. He wanted it because he didn't want Balthazar to. But that was crazy. He'd been with Dean for over a year and he barely knew Balthazar. Why would Dean assume he would have sex with Balthazar if he'd been so adamant about staying pure this entire time?

Dean took the silence as an answer and frowned. He backed up away from Castiel and murmured one word.

"Leave." Castiel had never felt more pain. He could make this right. All he had to do was have sex with Dean. Give him what he wanted. He'd been patient... 

But all Castiel thought about was every person Dean had slept with. Why was it so important for Dean to be his first when Castiel couldn't even tell if he'd be Dean's 10th, even. It wasn't fair.

But it wasn't the time for tit for tat. He could fix his problems with Dean by giving him something he wanted. The thought made him sick. But Dean gave him a promise ring. That was a promise they would get married, right? So he was only two more rings away from marriage, right?? They would get married so it wouldn't be like he was giving it away to some stranger. Dean was his future husband.

"Cas I said--"

"Okay." Castiel said in a rough voice.

"What?"

"Okay." He said louder as he stared into Dean's eyes. "Take it." Castiel's words were much different than how he felt. He partially hoped Dean would see in his eyes that he wasn't ready for this. He prayed that Dean saw it and realized that Castiel would never have sex with Balthazar because he just _wasn't ready_ to even have sex with Dean. Why would he have sex with Balthazar?

Dean's fears were irrational. He knew that, maybe Dean even knew that deep down.

He didn't know how he felt when Dean's lips pressed against his.

He felt numb when Dean ripped off his clothes. He felt numb when Dean pushed him to the bed and climbed on top of him. He felt nothing when Dean kissed him all over. He made the right noises. He forced himself to respond to Dean's every touch. He forced himself to whisper Dean's name. 

Castiel kept seeking Dean's eye contact. He hoped if Dean looked at him he would stop, he never did. Castiel watched in shame as Dean slicked himself up in lube and he barely paid attention when Dean turned him over on his stomach.

He felt Dean line up with his hole and closed his eyes tightly.

_Please don't. Please, god. Don't do this. I'm not ready. Please_

Castiel's prayers remained unanswered and interrupted when he felt the burning sensation of the intrusion. Dean moaned behind him and Castiel felt like all the air was removed from his lungs and tears ran down his face.

_I'm not ready.._

It hurt so bad. His nails dug into his hands. He wasn't sure if they were long enough to make him bleed, but he knew he'd have crescent marks on his hands for a while after. He started biting his knuckle to stop himself from crying out in pain. Dean inched deeper and deeper. He felt like he was going to explode. It hurt so bad. How did people do this and enjoy it? This was terrible. 

Dean had finally made it all the way inside and Castiel felt the throbbing. Dean's breathing was erratic and he made whimpering noises. Castiel knew Dean was close. Dean slowly retracted and gasped and pulled out quickly, earning a squeak from Castiel. He felt the warmth of Dean's orgasm trickle down his backside. 

"Wow, you were tight." Dean chuckled. "It's been a while. Sorry about that, Angel." Castiel felt a mixture of feelings on how quick it had been. He was happy it was done, but he felt slightly... angry that that was all it took for him to lose his virginity.

Dean left kisses on Castiel's backside and when Castiel went to get up to clean off, Dean held him down.

"I'm not done with you yet." He purred and Castiel felt Dean's second erection press against his left cheek. He couldn't fully explain the dread he felt in the pit of his stomach. Especially when Dean started to push himself back in. 

Castiel tensed, he didn't think Dean noticed, or maybe just didn't care. 

And that was how it pretty much was for the next twenty minutes. The only upside was after about 15 minutes of it, it didn't hurt as bad. 

$)#*$

When everything was done and over with, Castiel showered while Dean slept. He stood in the spray of the shower for way longer than he intended on but he couldn't bring himself to leave it. He felt dirty. He felt like he shamed himself. He wasn't a virgin anymore. He was supposed to be until marriage.

"Dean and I will get married some day." He whispered to himself. It was the only thing that kept him from breaking down. He didn't break his vow to himself. Him and Dean would get married in time. 

He just kept thinking of after Dean was done when he turned Castiel around and noticed Castiel wasn't hard. He looked confused. Castiel quickly lied and said it was because he was tired. Dean seemed to accept it.

When Castiel spread himself to clean out the fluids he hissed at it. It burned. When he brought his fingers to his sight he noticed they were a watery red color. He looked down at the draining water and noticed a red streak. He was bleeding.

Castiel sat down, ignoring the pain. He pressed his head against the shower's wall, letting the warmth of the water comfort him. And he cried. 

He cried for a lot of reasons. He cried after thinking that Dean might leave him one day. He cried because he broke a vow to himself. He cried because he was just in so much pain. He cried because his heart ached and no matter what he did he couldn't fix it. He always had that stupid ache in his heart since Dean broke. 

Castiel cried until the water no longer turned red when it hit his aching hole. 

And when he got out and dried off, there was still some blood on his towel. He put it in the hamper and got dressed into pajamas and climbed into bed with Dean. He still felt the ache and he's pretty sure he felt himself bleeding still but a part of him felt like he deserved it. So he laid in bed and watched Dean's light breathing. A part of him hoped he was seriously hurt so he wouldn't have to wake up in the morning. He wondered idly if he'd be sent to hell for what happened today.

Maybe he deserved it.

Dean's eyes opened groggily and he gave Castiel a smile.

"You're back." Castiel nodded and Dean looked at him with concern.

"Angel what's wrong?" Castiel hated that his eyes burned with that question. He just placed his head into the crook of Dean's neck and Dean held him tightly and rubbed his back.

"I love you forever." He said softly and Castiel sighed, and cuddled closer to Dean, not answering him. But Dean didn't seem to mind. He hummed into Castiel's ear. It was soothing.

Castiel got lost in the tune of the song. It was so nice. So familiar. And when it finally clicked in his mind, he realized it was his old obsession. The Scientist.

_Nobody said it was easy. Oh it's such a shame for us to part. Nobody said it was easy. No one ever said it would be this hard. Oh take me back to the start._

## Chapter 18

Days at this point seemed to just meld together. Half the time Castiel didn't know what day it was. He'd been late to work and showed up when he wasn't on the schedule several times. Gabriel had tried to talk to him, but Castiel barely said anything.

They knew it was bad when Dean left one morning and Jess came downstairs cautiously. She told Castiel that he was running late to work. He only muttered that he knew and continued to lay there, unmoving.

He was depressed.

"What do you think we should do?" Jess whispered to Sam. He cradled a cup of coffee in his hands as he stared at the door leading to the basement.

"Jess, I honestly have no idea." He furrowed his brow. He felt terrible. Castiel hadn't been the same for a while but he took a dive a few weeks ago. He tried to ask Dean about it. Dean insisted that Castiel was just fine. 

"He's depressed, Sam. We have to reach out to him. He needs help, whether it be ours or professional. I'm scared he's going to do something." She'd been scared ever since she purposefully changed things around on him because she knew he would always move them back. He didn't even notice. Lucifer had tried to talk to Castiel but everyone was given the same treatment. He didn't say much. And when he did, it just sounded so... numb.

"That's it." Jess picked up her phone and called Gabriel and told him Castiel wouldn't be coming into work that day. Gabriel had understood enough at least to not ask questions. When she got off the phone she opened the basement door and walked down the steps with a purpose. "Come on Cas. Let's go." She walked to the bed and yanked the covers off. Castiel just laid there.

"Jess, please. I'm tired." He was always tired. Jess couldn't handle this anymore.

"Please Cas. Please let me do something for you." She dropped to her knees and Castiel saw the tears in her eyes. He knew what it was like to be that desperate. He slowly sat up and she attacked him with a hug. "Thank you Cas... Now let's go. You smell bad." She helped him up, partly curious why he seemed to be walking with a limp. 

"Sweetheart, are you okay?" Sam came downstairs and caught Castiel just in time. 

"Whoa, Cas. You good, man?" Castiel blinked a bunch and nodded.

***

Castiel found himself in an office with Sam and Jess. He had no idea how they managed to get him an appointment so quickly with a psychologist. They wanted a therapist but apparently they could only get a psychologist in the short time. They were essentially the same thing.

"Castiel Novak." His head perked up and Jess smiled prettily at him and urged him on. He went into the office and he saw a woman with curly brown hair and brown eyes. 

"Hello Mr. Novak. My name is Meg Masters." She gave him a smile. She was comforting somehow.

"Castiel, please." Castiel corrected and she nodded.

"Noted. So Castiel, what's up?" Castiel frowned.

"Um, what a peculiar question." He squinted. 

"I'm just trying to get you to relax, darling. You seemed to be all tense." She folded her arms and leaned in on her desk. 

"I um. I don't know exactly what to do... in this location." He started to look around nervously.

"Well first off you relax and then you talk about whatever your little heart desires." 

"You get paid to listen to people talk? That doesn't sound like a very satisfying profession." She perked her eyebrow.

"Who peed in your cheerios this morning?" She retorted and sat back in her chair. "Listen, I'm here to let you vent or whatever."

"You sound so eloquent." She snorted and Castiel found himself smiling. She had a pretty smile.

"Well I'm here to let you talk, and if you want to waste the time with making fun of me, I feel like you aren't getting your money's worth."

"I'm afraid I don't really know what to talk about." Castiel said seriously. 

"Well, your friends seemed worried about you. Maybe you wanted to talk about why but not to someone that's in the situation. You can talk to a stranger. Sometimes it's easier to talk intimately to someone you don't know. That's what I'm here for." Castiel's face visibly fell and he leaned back in his chair and slouched. "And I can tell you really want to talk about something."

"I..." Castiel put his hands in his hair and shook his head. "I can't talk about it." She nodded, he was shocked how understanding she was. She accepted it and moved on. She didn't keep pestering him about it over and over again.

"Alright. So talk about whatever you want to." 

"Um. Well... I like to read." She nodded at him.

"What kind of books do you read?" She seemed genuinely interested in what he was saying. 

"All kinds of books. I haven't really read anything lately. I think I need to find another book."

The hour flew by. Castiel talked about a bunch of random things that just popped into his head. He felt at ease with her. But he felt weird not knowing much about her. He wanted to know what her favorite book was and her favorite movie. Sometimes she would respond to his questions. Other times she would laugh and say that this was about him, not her.

All in all, he liked her. He felt slightly better. She pulled out a pad and started to write something down. 

"Okay, I'm going to prescribe you something for anxiety. I don't want you to take this all the time, okay? Only when you feel like you can't handle the pressure. Alright?" Castiel didn't think he needed the medication but he nodded slowly.

She prescribed .5mg of Xanex. She told him to break it in half. It was the lowest dose available but she believed it was still too high for him. 

"Why are you giving me this?" He asked, confused.

"Well, It's my job to talk to you and see if you need any medication to help you feel better. I don't like prescribing it to people so I don't do it often. But I'm giving you this to help you relax when you need to. If you need to use it, don't be ashamed. It's there to help you. Okay?" Castiel nodded slowly, looking at the paper.

"When will I see you again?" He asked and she smiled, not at the question, but his tone. He sounded genuinely sincere.

"Well, I usually do once a month" Castiel's eyes widened a bit and she continued, "but that's my patients that I use monthly prescriptions for medication. I want to try to stay away from that with you. We'll use it if we need to."

"But you gave me something..."

"Yes, I gave you that to use during your anxiety attacks. I didn't give you anti-depressants or anything that would need to be refilled monthly. But if you and I both feel like you'd benefit from using the medicine then we'll start you out and when you're feeling better, I'd lower the dose and we'd get you off of the medicine. It's just an aid. Nothing to be embarrassed about if it comes to it."

"So... when do I see you?" 

"Same time next week?" Castiel smiled, Meg followed.

***

"You seem chipper today." Gabriel noted and Castiel shrugged. "What's up, Cas. I haven't really gotten to talk to you much lately." Gabriel's usual demeanor was gone and he stared at Castiel with concern. 

"Nothing. I was just having a difficult time in my mind." Gabriel nodded slowly. "Meg is helping."

"Meg?"

"Yes. She is my psychologist. She is very nice." Gabriel smiled at Castiel warmly.

"That's great, Cas. I'm glad you're talking to someone. It'll be good for you." Castiel nodded and Gabriel almost cried when Castiel started perfectly lining up the cups and making sure all of them were at the same height. He felt like Castiel was back. 

***

"You ready to go?" Castiel looked up from the bed and smiled. Dean was dressed in his favorite dark gray jeans and a really nice green shirt that made his eyes pop. He looked beautiful.

"Yes." Castiel rose from the bed and Dean grinned at him and wrapped his arms around Castiel and started kissing his cheek.

"Jess and Sammy are waiting for us in the car." Castiel nodded and followed Dean. They all got into the Impala and began driving. 

Dean loved going to car shows and hadn't been to one in quite some time. So when there was one nearby he was super excited. It was a nice change to see him happy about something. He was even going to enter his car. 

"Have you thought of entering your car in the drag race?" Sam asked casually and Dean scoffed. There was a racing strip at the location. People entered their cars and had to do a quarter mile. There was a prize of some sort.

"I don't need to do the race to know my stats. Tell em, Cas."

"The Impala goes needs 13.6 seconds to go from 0-60 and can complete the quarter mile in 19.7 seconds at 83 miles per hour."

"It's so awesome that you remember that." Dean grinned at Castiel who smiled back. Positive attention was nice.

"I'm just shocked we all were able to get off today." Sam admitted and Jess shrugged.

"If they didn't give me off, I'd call out. I really wanted to go. I feel we never double date anymore."

When they got to the lot, it was packed. It was hard finding a place to set up. Dean registered his car and propped hood opened.

"And, what engine is this?"

"V.8" Castiel responded after squinting for a second. Dean hugged him.

"You complete me." He said in a joking manner but Castiel's heart skipped a beat.

"You complete me too." He replied and Dean pulled away and they stared at each other in the eyes for several seconds. "I love you, Dean."

"Cas, Angel. I love you too." Dean gave his arm a squeeze. "So much. I don't know what I would do without you."

"Castiel?" A feminine voice behind him inquired. Castiel perked up at the sound of the voice.

"Meg?" He turned around and there she was, standing next to his brother.

"Cas?" 

"Lucifer?" Dean was now officially confused. 

"Lucifer, since when did you like cars?" He asked and Lucifer shrugged. "And who are you?"

"Oh, hi. I'm Meg Masters." She introduced and shook his hand with a smirk. For some reason that rubbed Dean the wrong way.

"And you know Cas, how?" Castiel's body was just filled with dread. He knew that tone of voice. This wouldn't really end well no matter what she said.

"I'm Castiel's doctor." She wasn't exactly lying, she just wasn't clarifying what kind of doctor she was. She didn't know who Dean was, and if Castiel hadn't wanted anyone to know he was seeing a Psychologist then that was all him. And that answer seemed to calm Castiel down.

"I didn't know you were seeing a doctor." Dean admitted but didn't look as bothered. "Are you okay?"

"Yes, Dean. I'm fine." Castiel said quietly and Meg's eyes narrowed at Dean. Castiel mentioned him briefly and she didn't like his tone when he was brought up. 

"Well it was nice meeting you, Meg. Thanks for keeping Cas healthy." Dean teased and messed with Castiel's hair. Castiel looked like he was glowing. Meg noticed how much he basked in the attention of Dean. He didn't have to say anything. She knew there was something amiss in their relationship. She'd try to get it out of Castiel when they had their next appointment. But for now she would let it go.

"My pleasure. Castiel is a good guy. Be nice to him. He's a sweetie. By Castiel, have fun." She walked away with Lucifer and wanted to say she didn't feel right, but couldn't. Doctor-patient confidentiality.

## Chapter 19

Castiel felt as though that he gave up on himself. Ever since Dean took his virginity, he really didn't know what else to do. He kept shaming himself in his mind. He saw himself as a lower person. He scolded himself often and spent an often amount of time staring at himself in the mirror trying to see what changed about him. He didn't look any different but he felt... dirty.

Ever since that night, Dean had expected it more from him and Castiel couldn't say no. He just laid back and allowed it to happen. He didn't care anymore. He would be Dean's little whore. Why not? That's all he felt like, anyway. 

There was a noticeable change in Dean for a while. He was back to himself again. So when Castiel felt like he'd done a horrible sin, he quietly reminded himself that Dean was being an actual boyfriend again.

***

"Hey Cas, what are you making for dinner?" Sam asked as he walked into the kitchen. He'd just gotten back from work, he looked stressed.

"Sausage and peppers." Castiel answered evenly. Sam put down his briefcase and stood next to Castiel. "Yes?"

"Dude, I'm here if you ever need to talk. You know that right?" The sincerity of Sam's voice nearly brought a tear to Castiel's eyes. He averted his gaze and looked at the saucepan instead.

"Thank you." Castiel said quietly. He told himself that even if they were to find out, they would take Dean's side. Sam had to, it was his brother. And Jess would too, by default.

"Cas, listen." Castiel didn't look at Sam. Sam forced him to look up. "I am your friend, okay? I know you're down. I've known it for a while but I didn't want to impose, but honestly bud, you're scaring me. I don't want you to be upset. And if you suffer from depression, don't be embarrassed. I did for a while. And so did Jess. We've all been through it. So if you need someone to talk to that isn't Meg, you know where to find me. And if you want to go out, just the two of us, I'll do that in a heartbeat. You're like my best bud, got that?" Castiel bit the inside of his lip to keep it from quavering. He nodded stiffly and Sam could tell Castiel was getting choked up so embraced him tightly.

Castiel felt safe. For the first time in a long time, he felt home.

***

It didn't take long for Castiel to take up Sam on his offer. Sam had been persistent and once Jess found out, she was bugging him as well. She said it would do him some good to get some guy time with anyone who wasn't Dean.

He had a lot of fun. Well... when he wasn't thinking himself into a miserable mindset. Which he did often, he wasn't proud of it. Sam for the most part kept his mind engaged and gave him some alcohol to loosen up. Sam made sure that Castiel paced himself because they weren't with Dean. Castiel had no one to impress. They were just two guys having some fun, drinking casually. No need to get hammered.

Sam knew something was up when Castiel pulled out his cell phone and paled a bit. He mumbled that Dean had called him and he hadn't heard. Which was, in Sam's mind, no need to get worried. Dean could get over it. 

Castiel excused himself from the table quickly and Sam couldn't let go of his suspicions. He followed Castiel and tried to hear what Dean would have qualms with. If Sam didn't know any better, he'd think that Dean was the reason for Castiel's depression.

"Hey, I'm sorry. I was with Sam. I didn't hear my phone go off." Castiel started and Sam couldn't hear what Dean said but with Castiel's posture, it didn't sound nice. "I-I know. I'm sorry. I should've asked first." 

Sam was slightly annoyed. _Asked?_ Dean expected Castiel to ask _permission_ to hang out with him? Is he out of his mind??

"Yes. I know, Dean... No. Dean it isn't because I didn't want to hang out with you... But I'm with Sam... Yes, Dean. Your brother... No I'm not giving you an attitude... I'm sorry... Next time I'll ask first, yes...You want me home now? But you aren't even home yet... Why?... No, I'm not. Dean you know I'm not. Why would you say that to me?... No don't hang up. I'm sorry. I'll go home... You want apple pie? Okay I can pick some up... ok... No Dean, it's fine. I'll make it then. I just need to go to the store... I'd imagine Sam would bring me. We did take his car... Okay! Dean I'll just walk then... No I'm not being sarcastic. I'll walk. It's only a few blocks away..."

Sam had to walk away from the door. His jaw was locked and his eyes were ablaze. Is this really the conversation Castiel had with Dean? _This_ is why Castiel had been acting the way he was. Dean! His own goddamn brother. What the hell is wrong with him?

Sam had to take a seat and Castiel came back shortly.

"Uh, Sam." He scratched his face, looking everywhere but at Sam. "I'm not feeling too well. I think it would be best if I went home." Sam was irritated but he decided to see how far this went.

"Oh, okay. No problem. Let's go." He stood up and Castiel shook his head.

"Um, no. That's ok. I think it would be good for me if I walked."

"Cas, you realize the house is a 20 minute drive from here, right? You'll be walking for hours."

"It'll... give me some time to feel better. Thank you for tonight. I enjoyed it." Castiel turned around to walk away and Sam grabbed his shoulder and spun Castiel around. He didn't expect the flinch, or the look of sheer terror on his face.

"Cas, what is really going on? I overheard your conversation. I didn't like what I heard." Castiel's eyes widened and Sam felt accomplished, now Castiel would stop lying to him if he knew that he had heard.

That wasn't what went through Castiel's mind though.

"I'm sorry, Sam. I didn't mean to give your brother an attitude." Sam looked like Castiel had smacked him in his face.

"Cas, what--"

"No. You're right. I should've asked him. He has the right to know. I'm a terrible boyfriend." Castiel felt his heart race in his ears. "Please don't stop being my friend." He said it so quietly and Sam looked at him for a minute and shook his head.

"My god." Sam hugged him. "What did Dean do to you?"

***

Dean came home several hours later. Jess was the only one in the house. He felt his anger bubbling and he calmly asked Jess where Castiel was.

"He's with his brother." She said flatly and turned away from Dean, hell-bent on ignoring him.

"He didn't tell me he was going to see his brother." He masked the annoyance pretty well. "Where is Sammy?"

" _Sam_ ," Jess corrected, "is with Castiel and Lucifer. I stayed home to tell you that."

"Well... what are they doing?" Dean didn't know what he did to get the 'tude from Jess but he was getting really pissed off.

"Not making you pie, that's for _damn_ sure." She got up and stormed into her room and slammed the door.

***

"No guys, give me my phone. That's Dean's ringtone." Castiel begged. Sam refused and Lucifer just stared at his brother tremble in front of him. 

"Castiel." Lucifer said finally and knelt down in front of his younger brother. He couldn't believe he was seeing Castiel like this. "What happened, man? This isn't the Castiel I know. I've never seen you like this before."

"That's because Dean is angry at me and the more you let the phone ring, the worse it's going to get." Castiel snapped and Lucifer rose and grabbed the phone from Sam. Castiel made a grab at it but Lucifer answered the phone instead.

"What the hell do you want?" Lucifer snarled. Castiel had to admit, it was frightening. He even recoiled his arm away from Lucifer.

"I want to talk to Cas." Came the voice at the other end. 

"I'm real fuckin' happy for you. But you're not going to talk to him." 

Castiel started to resent Lucifer. This was his relationship. Who gave him the right to decide what him and Dean could and couldn't do?

"Give me the phone." Castiel demanded, Lucifer promptly ignored him.

"I can hear him." Dean growled. "He says he wants to talk to me."

"How about this, grow up and then maybe I'll think about it." Lucifer took the battery out of the phone and gave Castiel the phone and slipped the battery into his pocket.

"What am I, twelve?" Castiel snapped and Lucifer frowned.

"Castiel, I have never, ever seen you like this. This isn't healthy. I don't know what Dean's done to you but..." realization dawned in Lucifer's eyes. He stumbled back a bit and Sam grabbed his arm to make sure he didn't fall over.

"You ok?" Sam asked and Lucifer shook his head, it was getting more hysterical as he did it. "What?"

"He hurts you." Lucifer stated and Sam looked over at Castiel.

"Yes, we already went through that." Sam agreed and Lucifer glared at him.

"No. I'm talking about he fuckin puts his hands on him." He saw Castiel's look of shock. 

"What are you saying?"

"I saw Castiel in the park a few weeks back. His face all bruised up. Told me some b.s. story about how he did it to himself. But that was Dean, wasn't it?" 

If anyone told Castiel that telling someone the truth would make him feel better, he'd like to tell them to fuck themselves. He turned red all over. His heart ached and he felt so much shame that it broke a barrier inside and he started crying. He didn't feel saved. He felt small. They didn't understand. They couldn't understand. He loved Dean with all of his heart. Dean didn't hurt him often. It only happened a few times and he more than apologized for it. 

He ached to talk to Dean. That was his safety blanket. He needed Dean.

"Dean hurt you?" Sam squatted down in front of Castiel. "I can't believe it." He sounded awed. 

That's it. Sam doesn't believe him. He's going to go around telling everyone he was making stuff up about his brother to get attention. Because Castiel was an attention whore. Dean had said it before and now everyone was going to believe him. He wasn't going to live with Sam, Dean and Jess anymore. He was going to live all by himself. He was going to go back to being all alone. Why couldn't he keep his mouth shut? All Dean wanted him to do was tell him where he was. Why didn't he ask first? Then this could have been avoided. He could be home right now giving Dean a slice of pie and everything would be better.

Castiel started burning under his skin. Was this the last time he was going to talk to Dean? Was their last kiss last night? The last time they laid next to each other? The last time they hugged? The last time they watched a movie together, took a shower together, sang songs together?

Castiel started to hyperventilate. He was shaking and rocking, tears were just pouring from his eyes. He wasn't ready to let go of Dean.

He whispered Dean's name to himself. He couldn't stop. He needed Dean. He ached for him. His body stung. He couldn't sit here. He felt like his heart wasn't beating anymore and when it did it was just to ache painfully in his chest. His heart kept skipping and it made it very hard for him to breathe. 

"Cas, calm down." Sam started to rub his back.

Cas? That's what Dean started to call him. He wouldn't have that nickname if it weren't for Dean. He couldn't handle this. He couldn't breathe. Where was Dean?

"Castiel, bro. You need to breathe. You're making yourself sick." Lucifer said, trying to comfort him. But Castiel kept crying, kept choking on his tears and kept dry heaving. His stomach hurt so bad. 

Castiel cried so hard he felt weak. There were aches in his joints. He was exhausted. Lucifer and Sam let him cry himself out. They sat right next to him. Castiel slowly fell asleep on Sam's shoulder.

"What should we do?" Lucifer could tell that it got to Sam, especially with the way his voice cracked.

"The best thing for us to do, is to separate them." Sam exhaled.

"Are you sure that that'll work? You saw how much Castiel freaked out. Shouldn't we do it slower?"

"What? And give that asshole a chance to _kill_ my brother? No thank you." Sam frowned, he hardly thought Dean was capable of killing someone. But this wasn't the time to defend him. He didn't think that Dean was capable of hurting Castiel either, and look how wrong he was. He idly wondered how long it went on for. Castiel seemed so... broken. 

"He's not the same." Lucifer whispered and looked at Castiel. "He's so weak. He's never been weak."

They continued to look at Castiel and wonder when everything went wrong.

## Chapter 20

Castiel stayed with Lucifer for several days after that. He didn't do it of his own accord. He was forced and he hated them for it. He wasn't at his home. He didn't like sleeping at Lucifer's apartment. It wasn't homey. But everyone refused to let him see Dean. Even Gabriel.

Sometimes when he realized he wasn't with Dean, it felt like he was choking. He couldn't get enough air. The air was too thin or not even there. His heart ached so painfully that he could swear he felt it tearing. 

But all that changed on Tuesday.

Castiel was cleaning Heavenly Coffee after dealing with a particularly annoying customer (I want a cappuccino with no foam. So you want espresso with a spash of milk. No I don't want milk. So you want a shot of espresso. No! I don't know what you want. UGH.). It was raining hard and he was by himself. The door opened and Castiel had to stop himself from groaning. He didn't want to deal with _anyone_.

"Hello, Cassie." He whipped around and saw Balthazar. "Fancy seeing you here."

"Oh. Hi Balthazar." Castiel nodded at him and Balthazar strode up to him, concern in his eyes.

"You are not happy." He noticed and Castiel felt naked and relieved at the same time. He didn't like that someone could see how miserable he was, but he also liked that someone was giving him attention on how he felt and not just berating him about Dean. "What's the matter, love?"

"I guess Dean and I aren't together anymore." Castiel admitted after a few moments of silence. He inwardly praised Balthazar for keeping a neutral face and softly apologizing Castiel, like he actually cared that they broke up. 

"What happened? Did you want to talk about it?" Castiel gave a small nod and Balthazar led him to the bench seats. 

"I went out with Dean's brother,"

"Sam." Castiel gave him a small smile at that, surprised that he paid that much attention to his life.

"Correct, not as a date, either. It was... just going out with a friend. He said I would benefit from it. He was right, however Dean was not pleased and I suppose Sam overheard our slight argument and told my brother. They put two and two together and realized that Dean had given me the bruise on my face a while back and now they refuse to let me see him. I can't even have my cell phone. Not until they change mine and Dean's numbers. It's rather annoying. I am an adult, they can't treat me like I'm they're child. I'm in fact _older_ than Sam. I know that they are only trying to protect me but I feel coddled. I can make my own decisions." Castiel supposed he felt slightly better after the rant. He told himself that he would have to thank Meg for that tidbit of information next time he saw her.

"Cassie, I cannot apologize enough. I know you cared deeply for Dean. I'm not siding with anyone, however I do believe this could be for the best." Castiel went to object but Balthazar put his hand up to stop him and Castiel flinched slightly, but stopped himself from talking. Balthazar didn't ignore the flinch but didn't talk about it which made Castiel grateful. "Now you can see who you are as Castiel Novak. You may have forgotten. Why don't I take you out to dinner sometime this week. As friends. To get your mind off of everything."

"..." Castiel shifted his weight. It sounded like a nice enough offer. And he could actually leave the apartment. "Okay.." He finally said and Balthazar smiled.

"Wonderful. I'll come back tomorrow and talk to you about the details. I just wanted to see you, but I really should be on my way. Don't worry, darling. We'll get through this together, you and I." Balthazar put his hand on Castiel's shoulder and they stared at each other for a few seconds before breaking eye contact and Balthazar left.

Castiel stayed seated at the bench and got lost in thought. He was trying to figure out if his heart was still aching as hard as before. 

"Thought he would never leave." Castiel's head turned so fast he was surprised he didn't get whiplash. 

"Dean." His heart beat so hard, he had to catch his breath. He stumbled up and ran into Dean's arms. "What are you doing here?"

"What do you mean? I couldn't stay away from you, Cas." He planted a soft kiss on the top of his head. "I love you. Forever, remember that?" Castiel nodded his head vigorously and appreciated Dean not mentioning the fact that he was crying. "Did you miss me, angel?"

"Y-yes." Castiel hiccupped and buried his face in Dean's chest. It was hard to breath but he didn't want to miss a single second of having Dean right next to him. 

"I missed you too." Dean grabbed Castiel's chin and tilted his head up. "Missed you so damn much." 

When they kissed, Castiel felt every cliché thing in the book. Butterflies, fireworks, like his heart was going to melt. He felt it all and he didn't want to feel anything else. Dean smelled awful, he'd come straight from work. He still had some grease on his face, transmission fluid on his clothes. But Castiel kept inhaling deeply through his nose, hoping to get every single scent that Dean had. He wanted to smother himself into Dean.

"Whoa Cas. Slow down there, man." Dean grinned against his lips. He could feel Dean's stubble scratch his face and his heart skipped a beat. When he opened his eyes he had Dean's beautiful green eyes staring back at him. All that love, was from those eyes. Castiel could tell. He knew Dean loved him. And he loved Dean. 

"I don't want to slow down." Castiel whispered. "I want you." Castiel saw Dean's pupils blow up right before his eyes.

"Yeah?" Dean bit his lip and Castiel felt overwhelmed by arousal. Dean just looked so _good_. Castiel gave an awkward little nod, afraid to speak. He was sure he wouldn't sound very intelligent if he did. "Of course, my angel." Dean bit Castiel's lip lightly. "Where should we go?"

Castiel led Dean into the back, thankful that there was only one camera in the building and Chuck never checked it. The camera was behind the register. There was none in the back. 

After constant protests from Gabriel, Chuck had put a small loveseat in one of the back rooms for Gabriel to nap on when he was on break. It wasn't an ideal situation for Castiel to pick, but the only one they had. He couldn't go back to their house, if Sam or Jess caught them, they'd freak. 

And somehow that pleased both of them to think about. 

Castiel could feel Dean's erection through his coveralls. He idly wondered why Dean hadn't changed out of his coveralls but didn't care too much to actually ask. 

The room was a bit dark, Castiel didn't have the lights on but there was a strip of light from the door that Castiel hadn't closed all the way. 

Dean pulled Castiel onto his lap and they kissed desperately and tugged at each other's clothing. Dean pushed Castiel to the couch and started to grind against Castiel's swollen erection. Castiel couldn't even pinpoint the last time he'd been this turned on. He ached under Dean's body weight. His lower stomach felt so warm it burned. 

"Please." Castiel managed to whine. Dean paused for a minute and grinned.

"Angel, are you begging me to take you?" Castiel nodded weakly and bucked his hips against Dean, begging for friction. "I can't deny you." Dean purred and nibbled on Castiel's neck.

"Dean." Castiel begged and Dean pulled away grinning.

"You know what to do, angel." Dean made sure Castiel had enough room to prop himself up slightly. Dean was still, for the most part, dressed but Castiel had pulled his cock out and stared Dean in the eyes as he put his lips around it. "I missed your mouth." Dean sighed contently and grabbed Castiel by the shoulders and pushed himself deeper in Castiel's mouth. "I miss fucking your mouth, angel. You're so good." Castiel felt a wave of pleasure rack through his body. He pushed Dean out of his mouth and Dean flipped Castiel over and pulled his pants down to his knees.

"Ready?" Castiel nodded and Dean put his hands on Castiel's hips and brought his hips closer to his cock, spreading Castiel's cheeks and pushing himself agonizingly slowly into Castiel's hole. "Oh god, Cas." Dean grunted. "Forgot how tight you were."

Castiel was glad he wasn't facing Dean. He was practically gnawing on his knuckles. It hurt so bad. But it always did at first. He hoped the pain would stop soon, because he really wanted this. He wanted Dean inside him. He wanted to prove to Dean that he was the only one.

"Do you want me to go slower?" Dean asked suddenly and Castiel's eyes popped open. He'd never asked that before.

"What?" Castiel croaked and cleared his throat.

"Let me change this." Dean pulled out of Castiel and turned Castiel onto his back. He grabbed Castiel's legs and pulled the around his waist and pushed into Castiel a lot slower. "You look like you're in pain."

"It takes a minute." Castiel admitted. He didn't know why. He felt stupid. Now Dean would know that every time they had sex before, it had been painful.

But Dean didn't really say anything. He moved very slowly until he heard Castiel's first moan. Castiel was surprised with how Dean was acting. He never took it this slow. And he never wanted to admit to the noise he made when Dean's hand wrapped around his cock.

"You like that, Angel?" Dean whispered and Castiel bit his lip and nodded. "Good."

"Dean. Please, faster." Castiel was glad Dean didn't make fun of him for the awkward way he sounded and just complied.

For the first time, Castiel felt something that burned with so much pleasure, he trembled. 

"God, Dean. There again." Dean smiled softly and slammed back into that spot and Castiel cried out. Dean could barely function. Castiel had never been that much into sex, but now he was begging him. "Dean I'm so close." Another thing that Castiel never said. So Dean made sure to hit the right angle again, fisting Castiel's cock. Castiel's precum was dripping down at a faster pace, getting in Dean's fingers. He used it as lubrication and loved the way Castiel gasped. 

Castiel finished, hard. Dean didn't think he'd ever seen Castiel so undone. He came all over his chest, Dean pumping his erection until it softened. The tightening as he came, Dean didn't expect and shivered. He cradled Castiel in his arms, grabbing him by the shoulders and pushed him down as he thrust into him. 

"Oh god, Cas. You're tighter than before." Castiel didn't want to say that it was uncomfortable now since he was so sensitive, he just wrapped his arms around Dean's torso and let Dean fill him.

Castiel started kissing Dean all over his neck and Dean let out a content sigh.

"That was amazing, angel." He slowly pulled out and turned on the light to get situated. That's when Castiel's eyes narrowed. "Are you ok?"

"What the hell are those?" Dean looked down and saw that his shoulders and chest were covered in tiny hickeys. Castiel's heart burned. Dean had nothing to say to avert his suspicions.

"It didn't _mean_ anything." Dean said, as though it made everything better. Castiel's jaw clenched. He could barely breathe. It hurt so badly. His body was on fire again and he felt himself claw at his arms. He just didn't want this skin anymore. Maybe if he clawed hard enough, he would be someone else. Castiel stood up and wiped himself off quickly and pulled his pants up.

"Cas--" Castiel didn't know what came over him. He'd never lashed out before. He whirled around and smacked Dean as hard as he could across the face. It actually made Dean stumble over and trip over himself. 

Castiel never felt this angry before. His lip was a thin line, he was breathing so heavily he was making himself dizzy. His body was on fire and Dean laid on the floor, cupping his face, gawking at Castiel.

"Cas--"

"Get the fuck away from me Dean." Castiel growled.

"Angel let me explain--"

"I SAID GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!" His throat hurt from screaming that loudly. He was visibly shaking, his eyes were blown, he looked possessed. For once, Dean knew how he looked.

Dean stood up and looked at Castiel with curious eyes. Castiel was gritting his teeth, trying so hard to keep up the facade. Dean finally left the room without any arguments. When Castiel heard the front door open then close, he collapsed on the ground. His anger melted away. He felt so broken. He curled up on the floor, crying so hard he was hiccupping to attempt to get air. His bones were on fire. It hurt to move. Everything ached.

His hand hurt from hitting Dean in the face but he found that it was the part of his body that hurt the least. He started scratching his neck. He just had to scratch something. He clawed everywhere. His neck, face, chest, legs. He dug harder. There was nothing stopping him from drawing blood. And he did. He felt the broken skin under his fingernails and the cold chill of the blood on his skin.

His arms then dropped uselessly to his sides. He stared at the ceiling for a while, tears just running down his face. All the pain, all the anguish suddenly didn't matter anymore. He couldn't feel it.

He felt numb. And somehow that was worse.

_Questions of science, science and progress do not speak as loud as my heart. Tell me you love me, come back and haunt me. Oh and I rush to the start. Running in circles, chasing our tails coming back as we are._

## Chapter 21

"Hey Clarence. What's wrong?" Meg frowned at Castiel's appearance. 

"Thank you for seeing me." Meg stood up and walked over to Castiel and examined all of the scratches on his face and neck.

"You said it was an emergency. You look terrible. Would you like to talk about it?" Castiel was shaking now, tears filled his eyes and he looked up at her.

"I know that this isn't... professional. But do you think..." His eyebrows pushed together like he was concentrating.

"Do you want a hug?" He looked at her gratefully and nodded. "Come here, my unicorn." She crushed him in a hug and it was everything he wanted.

Castiel didn't cry for a while. He stood there, hugging Meg. She silently wondered if he was trying to fuse them together with how hard he hugged her so she retaliated by squeezing him. When Castiel finally loosened his grip, Meg let go of him completely and smiled at him.

"You're awfully calm." He gave a small nod.

"I took a xanex before I got here. I couldn't calm down no matter how hard I tried." He looked exhausted so she knew that it was kicking his butt at this point. "I feel better." He smiled lazily.

"I'm glad to hear that. What happened that upset you so bad?" She sat him down on the couch and sat next to him, placing her hand on his leg to make sure he knew she was still paying attention as he got more and more tired.

"Dean.. He came to my job. I wanted him _so_ bad. Then..." He smiled and then gave out a laugh. "I realized that based on all the hickeys on his body that someone else did too. I smacked him."

"Oh Castiel, you know that violence isn't the answer. It feels good at the time, but it never actually solves anything." He nodded. 

"Dean. He yelled at me... He made me feel... like nothing." He shook his head. "But he also made me feel like everything." Meg stroked his hair and he smiled tiredly, blinking rapidly, trying to stop himself from falling asleep. Meg was glad he was tired. He needed to sleep. He needed to sleep a lot.

***

"Thank you so much." Sam shook Meg's hand frantically. She would've had Lucifer pick him up but he didn't answer his phone. "What happened to his face?" Meg shrugged.

"I don't know. But he should be sleeping for a long time. He took a whole xanex and he isn't used to that. But let him sleep. I don't care how long it is. He's exhausted."

"I know. Ever since we separated Dean and Cas--"

"What do you mean, you separated them?"

"Well... Yeah. It was for the best." Meg shook her head.

"Sam you can't do that. He's an adult. I don't think he should be with Dean anymore than you do but you can't control what he does. You think your helping but you're just making it worse. They're going to want to see each other more now. It sucks, but you have to let them end it or there's always going to be confusion and no closure." Sam wanted to say something but frowned instead.

"I know... It's just.. Dean really screwed up. And I don't want Castiel getting hurt. He's my friend. And Dean isn't right anymore. He's different ever since our dad died he's been drinking and it's just all messed up." Meg nodded.

"I understand. But you know what you're doing by separating them? It's just like when your parents say you can't do something so you do it to spite them. It's exciting and they'll be drawn together more. But what you can do is make sure you're around them more. Make sure Dean doesn't have a lot of alone time with him but make sure you don't separate them completely."

Sam wasn't very happy with that.

***

When Castiel woke up he didn't realize what day it was in what month and what happened to him before he went to bed. But for some reason he was happy. He felt completely relaxed and when he looked around the room he realized it wasn't in Lucifer's apartment. He heard the tv playing outside the room he was in. He slowly got up and walked out. He was baffled when he realized he was in his house. Jess and Sam were on the couch. He felt like crying. 

"Cas?" Sam looked at him and Jess jumped up and ran over and hugged him.

"Oh my goodness! Castiel! I was so worried about you. You've been sleeping for 18 hours." She pulled away from him to see if Castiel was phased by that, he wasn't.

"That does explain why I'm hungry. It's very nice to see you, Jess. I really missed you guys." She beamed at him and led him to the kitchen and sat him down.

"I'm making waffles."

***

It was almost seven when Dean walked it. Castiel, Jess and Sam were sitting at the table playing a game of cards. Castiel was surprisingly good at ignoring the fact that Dean was there. 

"Cas?" Dean said, surprised. Castiel continued to ignore him. Sam and Jess tensed, the room was extremely awkward now. "Castiel." "Cas!"

"Was there something you wanted, Dean?" Castiel's voice was smooth, he was surprisingly even tempered. 

"Yeah, w-what are you doing here?" He walked over and slowed down slightly when he saw the daring look on Sam's face. Jess was flat out glaring at him.

"I do believe it's _my_ house." Castiel bit out and was staring at Dean. The second he saw Dean's eyes he almost caved. He wanted to run into Dean's arms. He was so warm and the house felt so cold. 

"So you're back?" Castiel didn't answer, so Jess did.

"Yeah we moved a bed into the library. It's Castiel's room now." Dean frowned, looking hurt.

"But.. why?"

"So I can bring _my_ conquests into _my_ room and fuck them. How does that sound to you?" Jess looked shocked and Sam raised an eyebrow.

"What does that mean?" He asked and Castiel looked away from Dean and pulled out his cell phone. He finally got it back and it was a great gadget for getting out of awkward situations.

"Oh, nothing." Castiel said off handedly. "We weren't even officially broken up and he decided to sleep with someone. That's cool, wasn't like it's important or anything."

"Cas, I _told_ you it didn't mean anything!" Dean yelled and Sam and Jess shared a look.

"Hello?" Castiel answered his phone and then smiled. "Hey. Sorry I wasn't at work today. I know. So when did you want to go out? When am I free?" Castiel stared directly at Dean. "I just so happen to be free now. Let me get ready." He stood up and walked passed Dean.

***

"You're making a mistake." Dean growled. 

"Oh yeah? How is this a mistake?" Dean took in the sight of Castiel. His black pants, his white collared shirt with his _really_ lame sweater vest, tousled hair, his favorite black shoes and that stupid trench coat. He was perfect. Everything about him was perfect.

"Because you're mine! Not anyone else's!" Dean shouted.

"I'm not yours, Dean Winchester." Castiel said icily. "I'm no ones." 

"Cas, please. You don't mean that." Dean walked over and Castiel shook his head and backed up. "Are you saying that we're done?"

"No. I think you said that when you slept with someone else." Dean didn't have time to get a retort in, Castiel left the room in a hurry. 

***

"Are you alright?" Balthazar asked, several minutes after they got to the restaurant. Castiel hadn't spoken much.

"It's official. Dean and I are no longer together." Castiel said and winced at the words. It felt more real now, saying it out loud.

"That doesn't answer my question." Balthazar placed his hand on top of Castiel's. "Are you alright?"

"I think so." He admitted quietly. 

***

"Well, this is where I should drop you off, right?" Balthazar asked as they got into his car.

"No. I'm not ready to go home, if that's okay with you." Castiel smiled softly at Balthazar. He wished he could say he actually felt something. Sadness, anger. He couldn't. He didn't feel anything. He wanted to.

"Of course, where would you like to go?" Balthazar asked kindly and Castiel shrugged.

"Well, I don't really want to be out around people. But if you wanted to continue this in the park or even your house, that would be appreciated." Castiel said evenly and Balthazar gave him a charming smile.

"Of course, darling. What do you say we go to my house tonight. It's rather cold and I'm afraid my trousers really aren't well insulated." Castiel nodded in agreement and soon they were in Balthazar's car on their way to his house.

When they got there, Castiel was in awe in how immaculate it was. Everything was well furnished and nicely decorated. There wasn't a lull in the room at all and he looked around amazed.

"Like that, love? Come on then, I'll pour you a drink. What would you like?" Castiel really couldn't think of anything he actively liked drinking so just opted with "surprise me".

When Balthazar came back he handed Castiel what looked like a milkshake. He laughed at Castiel's confused expression.

"Coquito. It's Puerto Rican eggnog. My lovely assistant made me some. It's rather good. It has some rum in it." Castiel took a sip and Balthazar chuckled at the sour expression. "I stand corrected. She put a lot of rum in it."

"Very good." Castiel commented and continued drinking, surprising himself with how quickly he chugged it. 

"Wow, enjoyed it, didn't you." Balthazar grinned and took hold of Castiel's arm and walked him through the house to give him the tour.

"Is this your room?" Castiel asked and Balthazar nodded and pushed the door opened. Everything was furnished with beautiful mahogany wood and he had a sleigh bed. It looked even bigger than a king. There was a gorgeous half-wall mirror behind the dresser/book shelf combo. The carpet was a plush tan color and everything was brown and light blue. It was beautiful.

"Do you like it?" Balthazar asked breathily. Castiel shivered at his tone.

"Yes." He admitted quietly. "The bed looks... very enjoyable." Balthazar took a step closer to Castiel.

"I'm sure it could be even more enjoyable if you were on it." He purred and Castiel inhaled sharply. Having already removed his shoes and coat at the door, he made no hesitation in walking over to the bed in long strides and Balthazar made a satisfied noise watching Castiel climb into his bed. "Is there room for one more?" 

"Why don't you come over here and find out for yourself?" Castiel teased. He wondered, suddenly, when he became so comfortable with flirting. 

Suddenly he was enraptured by Balthazar. He was so close. And all Castiel thought about was Dean. Dean getting this close to someone else. Worst of all, Castiel didn't know if it was a guy or a girl. He didn't know anything. When Balthazar got rid of the remaining space between them, Castiel was in deep thought about their actions. He realized, very solemnly that there weren't fireworks. There wasn't anything. Just the burning feeling of arousal in his abdomen. He wondered how he could be turned on physically but not mentally. He didn't want to think anymore. He wanted to get lost in it. So he did what he did best. Gasped at the right times, moaned, _begged_. He did the works. Worst of all he didn't feel much. It wasn't until Balthazar and him were stripped naked and Balthazar worshipped his bare body that Balthazar did something to make him feel anything. Castiel had whispered things that would make Dean nearly lose it. He begged to be fucked. Balthazar pulled away and grabbed lubricant. Castiel mentally prepared himself. He knew it was going to hurt. 

Then Balthazar did something Dean never did. He lubed up his fingers. Castiel looked at him curiously. Balthazar, very gently, coaxed Castiel's hole opened. One finger. Very slow. Tantalizingly slow. Then two fingers. Castiel wriggled beneath him. Gasping. Three fingers. _Oh my god right there_. And before Balthazar slid inside, Castiel asked why he did that. The look was so innocent, so confused. Then Balthazar realized.

"He never prepped you?" It was a question mostly said out loud to himself. It's like he finally put two and two together and it broke his heart. Sex now forgotten, he held Castiel close to his chest tightly. And Castiel didn't know what he said that was wrong.

## Chapter 22

When Castiel returned home that night, he was blissed out. He honestly didn't know that sex could feel like that. He didn't have much time in his thoughts, however. Dean was sitting on the chair in the living room. Castiel inwardly groaned. He'd purposefully waited this long because he'd hoped Dean would be downstairs sleeping. Apparently he could only be so lucky.

"Was it that British dude?" Was the first thing out of Dean's mouth. Castiel shook his head in awe and went to go to his bedroom. "Castiel I'm asking you a question." Dean's voice cracked. It was probably the only reason Castiel turned around.

"I'm going to bed." Castiel said quietly and left the room. He closed and locked his door and lay on his bed, staring at the ceiling. Everything was weird. Why was he in this room and not with Dean? Dean clearly still loved him. 

But he'd slept with someone else and the thought of that burned him to his very core. 

Castiel's eyes widened and he shot up from his bed. Realization dawned on him and it left him feeling ice cold. He'd slept with Balthazar. He was only supposed to be with _one_ person. Now he was with _two_ and he still wasn't married. Shame spread throughout his body. He couldn't look at himself without feeling disgust. He was a whore. He'd go to hell for this, he knew it.

Something that he held so dear was ruined. He couldn't even pretend that he was only going to be with one person anymore. There was no illusion. And he slept with Balthazar without knowing if they'd be together forever or not. He just gave himself up _like that_. Who would love him now? He certainly didn't. 

But he guessed it was good in a way. He was crying now. He supposed that was better than feeling nothing. 

***

"Dean!" Dean groaned. It was Sam. _Again_. "Dean get up! You were supposed to be at work two hours ago!"

But Dean didn't want to work. He wanted Castiel. Castiel who _slept with someone else last night_. Dean didn't think it was possible to be as angry as he was. So hurt. Castiel was _his_. Not that stupid British asshole's.

In a way he felt unjust. He'd dated Castiel for a really long time before he got to fuck him and this guy is barely around a few months! And they weren't even dating!

"Dean!"

"God damn it Sammy, not now!" Dean snapped and started pacing. He didn't know what to feel. Besides betrayed. He felt very betrayed. Castiel was his angel. Now the thought left a sour taste in his mouth. 

Sam finally was able to pick the lock and walked downstairs to Dean's room with his arms spread out in a 'what the hell?' fashion. Dean held up his hand and shook his head.

"Please, Sam. Not now." Dean sat back down on the bed. Sam sighed.

"Dean, I know you're upset but Castiel is his own person. And to be fair you did it first. Castiel had the decency to break up with you beforehand." Ya know, this is exactly why Dean didn't want to talk to Sam.

"Thank you so friggen much, Sammy. That's what I wanted to hear. You're right. Tell me how crappy I've been. Cause I don't think I know it yet." Dean snapped and Sam gave him one of the bitchiest bitch faces yet.

"No, actually I don't think you do. What is your _problem_ Dean? Huh? You treat Castiel like **garbage** and then get all butt hurt because he's done dealing with your crap? I don't understand."

"I love him." Dean said, eyes blazing. "I love him so damn much. He's _mine_ , Sammy. And damn it, I'm gonna get him back."

"So now you can just forget that you two slept with other people, huh?" Dean snapped.

"I didn't sleep with anyone! We messed around bit, yeah but we never actually... sealed the deal, ya know? But _Cas_. He went all the way." Dean spat bitterly. "Friggen fantastic. I had to wait damn near two years and he gives it away like a god damn prize for giving him attention." Sam grabbed Dean by the arms and slammed him against the wall. 

"Don't you dare." Sam hissed. "Cas has been through enough shit because of you. Don't you dare make this into you being the victim. If Cas wants to have sex with someone, it isn't your business Dean. Not anymore." Then suddenly Sam's brain kicked into overdrive. He stepped back and Dean rubbed his arms. "I thought Castiel was waiting until marriage."

"He _was_ waiting until marriage." Dean agreed but there was something in the way he said it. Sam pursed his lips.

"Dean, what the hell did you do?" Dean put his hands up.

"Me? I didn't do anything. Cas wanted me to." Sam shook his head.

"That makes absolutely no sense. Why would he wait so long and then just give up when things were shitty?" Sam thought for a minute and then turned to glare at Dean. "You must've said or done something. Cas wouldn't just give that up. Dean what did you do?" Dean stayed quiet and Sam shook his head. "I-I just can't believe you, Dean."

"You can't believe me? What the hell did I do?" Sam didn't respond, he just stormed up the stairs and slammed the door. 

_The hell does it matter?_ Dean thought bitterly. _He's giving it away like candy now._

***

"Did Dean really not sleep with someone else?" Castiel's quiet voice startled Sam, especially when he was this mad.

"Cas, listen to me." Sam gently held Castiel's shoulders like he was going to break. "Even if he didn't sleep with someone else, he still messed around with them. He's still a jerk." But it didn't matter what he said because Castiel looked broken anyway. His eyes were glassy. "Cas?"

"I'm a slut." Castiel smiled bitterly.

"What? No. No Cas. You're far from it. Don't let that hurt you." Sam embraced Castiel tightly. "Dean is a jerk and you deserve someone who doesn't treat you like that."

Castiel kept shaking his head. He couldn't believe himself. He should just put a red A on his shirt and walk around, letting everyone know how terrible he was. Sam's soft encouraging words didn't mean anything to him. Castiel walked right out of the house to clear his head.

***

"Castiel!" Castiel froze and turned around. There was Balthazar. He didn't want to see Balthazar right now. He wanted to be left alone. That's why he left the house. "Hey, what are you doing today?" He asked with a very handsome grin.

"I apologize Balthazar. But I really need to be alone right now. I'm not well." Balthazar frowned.

"What's wrong, darling? Are you hurt?" He inspected Castiel and he shook his head.

"No. I'm... I'm fine, I just need to be alone." Balthazar furrowed his brow and nodded slowly.

"Of course. Let me know if you need anything, alright?" Castiel nodded. "You look like you need a hug." Balthazar put his hands out and Castiel sighed and slowly moved into the embrace. He had to admit, it was nice being held.

"Get the hell off of him!" Castiel closed his eyes tightly and practiced his breathing.

"I don't believe this is a concern of yours." Balthazar said pointedly. Castiel pulled away from him and looked at the ground. Even though he wasn't with Dean anymore, it still hurt to see him. He really did want to be with him. 

"The hell it is." Dean growled. Castiel hated to admit the affect it had on his body. A part of him hated Dean so much. But the other part couldn't let him go. It was so hard distancing himself from Dean. That was the love of his life. 

Balthazar and Dean became louder and Castiel started to walk away, hoping they would realize how stupid they were being and leave him alone. For the most part they did. Dean wanted to follow him but Balthazar snapped and told him that Castiel just wanted to be alone. Surprisingly Dean didn't argue. Much.

Castiel walked for a while until he found himself at his old apartment complex. He wondered if someone was living in his dwarf apartment. The thought made him smile. He missed having his own space to live in. He didn't like sharing much. It was too noisy. But he supposed it was better than being alone all of the time. Sometimes he liked the silence. Sometimes though, it terrified him.

He felt his phone go off and looked down. It was Sam. Of course Sam was worried about him. But who wasn't? He was worried about himself, how could he expect other people not to be. Sam finally stopped calling and he was at peace, sitting on the steps of his old apartment. He watched the cars drive by and the wind felt nice on his face, no matter the frigid temperature. He felt warmer than he normally did, so it was a good feeling. 

Maybe it had been an hour before Castiel decided he could walk back home. As he walked he remembered every drive he took with Dean. He remembered when Dean woke him up early to watch the sunset. He remembered when Dean got him flowers. He remembered the ring that he still wore. He didn't want to forget Dean. 

He was halfway home when all the memories started to weigh him down. He walked slower. His heart felt heavier. He needed to be near Dean. He loved him so much. Why did Castiel think that he could be better off without him? He clearly couldn't. 

Castiel sprinted home as fast as he could. He was sweating, he bumped into a few people, but he needed to get home. He needed to see Dean. When he got to the front of the house he knew that Sam was inside, Sam would never approve of them together again. So he walked towards the back where there was a window to the basement. They always kept it unlocked for some reason. When Castiel saw Dean sitting on the floor tinkering with something his heart fluttered. There was his baby. There was Dean. The man he in love with.

Castiel evened his breathing and opened the window. Dean looked up with a look of determination and then slowly melted into realization.

"Cas?" He asked quietly and Castiel pulled himself through the window and leaned over, panting. "Angel?" He walked closer and Castiel looked up at him and Dean knew that Castiel still loved him. He saw it in his eyes. "Love you." He whispered.

"Forever." Castiel replied and the grin on Dean's face was beautiful. He closed the distance between them and practically knocked Castiel over with a kiss. 

"Missed you." Dean said between kisses. Castiel held him desperately.

Castiel didn't want to think about the negativity anymore. He wanted all of that behind them. He wanted Dean. Dean felt the same way. He wanted to cover the marks made by another man. He wanted to make Castiel forget there was ever anyone else. He wanted Castiel to remember who he belonged to.

They got tangled up on the bed, kissing, touching, whispering. The slight lull in their contact made them whine. They craved each other. Castiel didn't want Dean to stop being on top of him, showering him in kisses. His body burned for Dean. 

He felt his arousal, it was very painful and he couldn't believe how much he wanted this. It was like their slate was cleaned and they were brand new to each other. Like they had everything to prove. 

Dean would like to think he proved himself just fine. He proved himself several times, to be precise. And he wouldn't have it any other way.

***

Through the next week, Castiel and Dean liked a new game. It was called "Pretend to dislike each other and ravish each other's bodies when everyone else was asleep". It was a pretty nice game. They didn't want Sam or Lucifer especially to find out about their relationship. They would just disagree and try to pull them apart. But they were in love, what was better than that?

" _Wow_ Cas. You really outdid yourself." Dean spat sarcastically. 

" _Wow_ Dean. It's like you could cook for yourself and no one would care." Castiel snapped back. They each hid their smirks. Jess and Sam sighed at the exchange.

"For real, you guys need to learn to be civil if you're going to live together. Maybe you can look for an apartment, Dean." Sam said and Dean dropped his fork.

"What the hell, Sammy? _I'm_ your brother. Why aren't you taking my side?" Castiel chuckled and Dean sent him a glare, a glare that said _I'll show you to laugh at me_. Which made Castiel shift in his seat with a strange feeling in his abdomen. 

"Well Cas cooks. You don't. We keep him." Jess said with a smile. In all honesty, she was still pissed at Dean so couldn't care less if Dean left. She had this weird older sister thing with Castiel though. She just wanted to hold him and shield him from the woes of the world. 

"Ouch. Tell me how you really feel." Dean covered his heart and Castiel couldn't help the laugh that came out. Sam looked at Dean, it was weird to see him look so smitten. Sam's eyes narrowed and Dean quickly coughed and looked away awkwardly. 

The rest of dinner went by very quietly. When everyone was done, Dean actually stood up and did the dishes. That was a surprise in on itself. Sam looked at Castiel, as if his face would give something away, but he seemed as genuinely surprised as everyone else. Dean snapped "what? Can't I do something nice for once?" and Castiel and Sam shared a look.

But it was Castiel and Dean who shared the joke later on. When Dean snuck upstairs into Castiel's bedroom. He'd interrupted Castiel from rereading one of the books in the library and with several heated kisses, he remembered exactly how it was when they were first together. And the sneaking around? Totally hot.


	5. Chapter 5

## Chapter 23

Castiel's head was in Dean's lap. They decided they needed some time way from the leering looks of their family. There was definitely the possibility that Sam knew what they were up to, he just couldn't do anything about it. So here they were, looking up at the stars in the sky, enjoying the company of each other. 

"Cas." Dean whispered lovingly. "I have a question."

"Yes, Dean." Castiel stretched his neck to look up at Dean. Dean loved those blue eyes that seemed to emit color even in the darkness of night.

"What would you say if I asked you to marry me?" Castiel's heart was in his throat. He slowly sat up and looked at Dean, those gorgeous green eyes, filled with hope and excitement.

"Dean Winchester..." Castiel said slowly. "Are you proposing to me?" Dean gave him a beautiful grin and reached in his pocket and pulled out a ring. It was just a plain platinum ring, no design. Castiel took a sharp inhale.

"So whaddya say, angel? Will you marry me?" Castiel didn't trust himself to talk so he stuck out his hand and nodded. Dean slid on the finger easily and pushed Castiel back to the ground and smothered him in a kiss. "Love you."

"Forever." Castiel said breathlessly. He couldn't believe it.

***

"So you said _yes_." Meg said slowly, Castiel nodded. It wasn't her job to tell him what to do, so she didn't. She didn't look too happy though. "Well, as long as you're happy, Castiel. But just remember, if Dean doesn't make you feel special, know that you'll always be someone's unicorn."

"...What?" She laughed and pushed her hair back. 

"Unicorns are rare and beautiful. And if you aren't Dean's unicorn, just know you're a unicorn to someone. I know you're a unicorn." Castiel smiled and perked an eyebrow.

"Meg, that has to be... the most homosexual thing I've ever heard... And I have a boyfriend." Meg and Castiel laughed really hard at that. It was nice to sit there and laugh with someone. And Meg was great. "Thank you, Meg."

"For what?" She asked once she finally sobered up from the laughter. 

"For being my friend. Back when Dean and I first got together, I didn't have anyone. I didn't talk to my brother Lucifer. Anael and Michael I still don't really talk to. And the only person to be my friend was Gabriel. Then when I started to see Dean, I became friends with Sam and Jess. I was always so scared of losing them if Dean and I split up. But even though you're my psychologist, I believe you to be a good friend." Castiel confided and Meg smiled beautifully. 

"Castiel, you're so sweet. And I don't think anyone could stop being friends with you. You know I'm here for you." Castiel nodded. 

"Thank you." Castiel said it so earnestly, it was like she had done something of great importance. All she did was listen.

***

"How can we be lovers if we can't be friends?! How can we start over when the fighting never ends, baby! How can we make LOVE if we can't-MAKE AMENDS?! Tell me how can we be lovers if we can't be CAN'T BE FRIENDS!?" Castiel paused at the door. Right in front of him was Sam looking very annoyed and Gabriel serenading him on his knees.

"Don't look at me. I'm just as disturbed as you." Sam said and then looked back down at Gabriel.

"Wow. See if I ever sing to _you_ again. Hey! Cassie! Just the guy I've been dying to see!" He got up and ran over to Castiel.

"What do you want?" Castiel asked slowly, eyes narrowing.

"I just wanted to let you know that your boo-thang has been stopping by asking for you." Gabriel winked.

"My... my what?" Castiel squinted at Gabriel who sighed.

"Balthazar. Tall, blonde and British." Castiel felt a knot in the pit of his stomach. "Don't tell me you forgot about him already." Gabriel let out an elongated sigh. "Man, Cas. What are we going to do with you."

"Um.. Cas." Sam looked weary as he walked closer. "Is... that an _engagement_ ring that you're wearing?"

" _Engagement?!_ Man Cas, you don't mess around, do you?" Castiel blanched. He'd forgotten that he would have to tell people who would actually voice their opinion. "Maybe that's why Balthazar keeps coming around, trying to make sure you don't get cold feet. I mean, gosh. You two haven't been dating long... Or at all, actually." Castiel averted his gaze and bit the inside of his lip.

"No. Cas. Please tell me..." Sam pushed his hair back in despair. "Did Dean propose?" That shut Gabriel up real quick.

"...Yes." Castiel managed to say, weakly. 

"And you agreed? Cas this is.. this isn't smart." Sam was incredibly flustered. He didn't know how to deal with something of this magnitude. It would be one thing if Dean and him were actually happy. But what they have going on, it wasn't genuine happiness. They were just clinging onto each other, prolonging the inevitable. "You know that."

"Please, Sam. I know you don't like the thought of Dean and I together, but this is my life. let me make my own choices, even if you think they might be mistakes." Castiel pleaded and Sam clenched his jaw and nodded without saying anything. Gabriel, for once, was at a complete loss for words. 

***

"So they know?" Dean asked and Castiel nodded. 

"They saw the ring. I'm sorry." Dean shook his head and hugged Castiel.

"Angel, there is nothing to apologize for. Yeah I wanted to wait to tell them but who cares? They were going to find out anyway. Just be happy. We're getting married." Castiel nodded, forcing the best smile he could.

He couldn't help the gnawing feeling he had in his stomach. The feeling that said this wasn't a good idea.

***

It didn't take them too long to have their first fight. It happened because Balthazar text Castiel. Castiel didn't reply. It was because Castiel never deleted Balthazar's number from his phone. 

"If I deleted his name, he could still text me and I'd have no idea who was talking to me."

"I don't care, Cas! You slept with the dude, you should not have his number in your phone still!"

"I'm sorry Dean, that text was from several days ago. I haven't responded."

" _Several_ days?! You kept this away from me for several days!?"

"All he said was 'hey' I figured it was pretty platonic. I don't know why you're so angry."

"I'm angry because you _slept with him_ , Cas!"

"Well I'm sorry, Dean but I can't change what had already happend!"

"So much for staying pure for your husband, huh?"

After the last comment, Castiel left without word. He couldn't understand how Dean could throw that in his face, of all things. It hurt enough without Dean bringing it up. He already hated himself for it. And Dean was the one who messed around with someone first. He shouldn't be preaching to the choir. It was so infuriating. 

Castiel angrily punched in a number, eyes burning and listening to the phone ring.

"Cassie?" Thank _fuck_ , he answered.

"Balthazar, can you come get me? Please?" There was a shuffling noise.

"Of course, where are you, love?" Castiel smiled at his willingness.

"I'll be in the park."

"And I will be there as soon as possible. Give me 10 minutes at most, okay darling?" Castiel nodded and then forgot that he was on the phone.

"Yes. Thank you." 

***

"Thought. You were. Engaged." Balthazar said in between heated kisses. Castiel was clinging onto him, tugging at his clothes, kissing him aggressively.

"So?" Balthazar pulled back, letting a whimper escape Castiel's lips. "To _Dean_." Castiel said as if that made it better. It seemed to work for Balthazar and in no time at all were they completely naked, grinding on each other.

They both heard Castiel's phone go off. In fact it went off several times. Castiel pretended not to notice the smirk gracing Balthazar's lips each time the phone rang and Castiel whimpered his name. 

***

There was a sick pleasure that Balthazar had, dropping Castiel off back at his house where he knew Dean was waiting.

"Thank you." Castiel said and smiled, he really was a pretty bugger, wasn't he?

"Anytime." Balthazar purred, it sent shivers down Castiel's spine.

***

For some reason, since Castiel slept with Balthazar the second time, Dean hasn't fought with him. Castiel didn't know if Dean knew or not. He stayed pretty quiet and he even seemed needier. Always begging Castiel for something. He didn't want Castiel to go to work when he didn't have work, it was stressful. 

It was a bad idea, Castiel knew it was a bad idea but he always seemed to put his foot firmly in his mouth when it came to Dean. He was stupid when it came to that man and he didn't understand why.

Dean wanted to go camping. He really wanted to go. He talked Castiel into going with him and the second he agreed to it, he knew it was the wrong thing to say. But deep in his mind he wondered _what could possibly go wrong?_

***

It was meant as just a getaway for the two of them, Sam didn't like the thought, though so him and Jess tagged along. They promised they'd be in their own cabin, Dean didn't like that he was distrusted. 

It all made sense when Castiel and Dean went to look for firewood in the woods though. Something in Dean snapped, Castiel didn't see it coming, he didn't pay much attention. It was cold and he was trying his best to bundle up in his jacket. One minute he was standing, the next minute he was on the ground with his head pounding. He looked up at Dean, he was enraged. Nostrils flared, panting heavily, eyes glossed over. He looked crazy. 

"D-dean." Castiel winced, clutching his head. "What's... what's wrong?"

"Do you think I didn't know?" Castiel's stomach flipped, he inhaled quickly.

"Dean--"

"Shut the fuck up, Cas. Do you take me for a fool? Think of everything I've done for you. I _loved_ you, Cas. And this is what you do? Real nice. I should've known, you're a slut. No one stays celibate for that long without going fuckin nuts. I just... I can't believe you!" Dean grabbed Castiel by the shirt and slammed him against a tree. "Why the fuck would you do that to me? Huh?" But every question he asked was rhetorical. Because he never gave Castiel the chance to answer. Dean grabbed Castiel by the face and slammed the back of his head into the tree, and he kept pushing it like Castiel was going to sink inside the trunk.

"Dean! Dean!" Castiel was gasping, he felt the pressure, it was too much. He knew something was going to--snap "AHHHHHHHHHH!" Castiel shrieked, the bones in his nose cracking under the pressure of Dean's hand. He screamed until Dean moved his hand. His voice was raw. Dean let him fall to the ground, blood was pouring from his nose. Dean grabbed him by the hair, and snapped his neck up. Castiel found it difficult to breathe through his mouth at such a sharp angle. He was gurgling on the blood from his nose running down his throat. There was so much blood.

"I _dare_ you to cheat on me again, Cas. I fucking dare you." He whispered with a hiss. He smacked Castiel's face into the tree trunk, making some uneven cuts on his face and picked him up bridestyle. Castiel was choking, holding his nose and sobbing. Suddenly Sam and Jess were running up to them.

"What happened?!" Sam yelled, looking at Dean with an accusing glare.

"I-I don't know. I guess the branch fell down, hurt his nose pretty bad. We need to get him to the hospital." Dean sounded totally panicked. "Don't worry angel. We're gonna get you fixed up." Dean gave a kiss to Castiel's temple. Castiel chastised himself for this, but he leaned into Dean, curling against him, crying silently. Dean took it as a declaration of defeat. He won. "Are you just gonna stand there, Sammy!? Cas is real hurt!" Dean snapped, Sam turned around and Jess glanced at them one last time before running to catch up with Sam. "Good boy." Dean whispered and tightened his hold on Castiel.

## Chapter 24

Being in the hospital was agonizing for Castiel. Everything ached and he had a constant swarm of people around him at all times. He was currently sporting a very broken nose, two black eyes, a swollen face and scratches everywhere. To make matters worse, Dean never left. It was like he was making sure Castiel didn't have a chance to tell anyone. Not that he would. 

Sam kept shooting Dean accusing looks and pacing in the room. Jess stood there looking downcast with her arms crossed. No one knew what to do. Everything was messed up. 

Jess and Sam talked to the doctors to make sure everything was okay and relayed the message to Castiel who honestly didn't care at this point. Dean was right next to him, holding his hand at his bedside and he strongly considered suicide.

Castiel looked around the room, wondering how he could kill himself quickly. The initial thought was just offhanded. Now he was strongly considering the pros of the situation. He wasn't in as much pain, the doctors gave him pain killers to make him feel better. He didn't feel much better but he supposed he could be numb to his feelings for a while. 

Apparently he was going to need plastic surgery for his nose. He was told but he was so passed caring that he just lain there and looked at the ceiling. He barely paid attention to Sam relay the message that it was going to take 3-6 weeks for his nose to heal and even longer for the swelling to finally go away. He was told he shouldn't blow his nose or wear any type of glasses for the next 3 weeks until they could figure out where they were going to go from this point. His surgery was scheduled for two days from then and Castiel idly wondered if anyone would care if he cancelled it. Why spend all that time getting his nose fixed if he wanted to die anyway?

Each time the medicine wore down, he would shy away from Dean. He didn't know if anyone noticed or caught on but soon after he would be hit with some heavy duty painkillers and the world seemed like a better place.

He decided he liked painkillers and wanted more of them.

***

Castiel wound up going through surgery. He wouldn't tell anyone but the real reason was honestly because he got more painkillers. They did wonders. Especially for his state of mind. Once he was administered one of those bad boys, he would be good. Everything felt better.

He wondered if he could convince Meg to give him something... She probably wouldn't. She didn't even like giving him anti-depressants. 

"Hey, are you alright?" Castiel looked up and was surprised to see Meg there. Dean looked confused.

"Didn't you say that you were his doctor? Why weren't you here before?" He asked and Castiel laughed.

"She's my _psychologist_ Dean. She gives me medicine to keep me happy." If she needed help picking out a happy medicine, she should've given him this. He was pretty blissed out.

"You have a psychologist? You said she was your doctor." Meg scoffed.

"I _am_ a doctor. I have an M.D., thanks." Castiel sat up and pulled Meg into a hug. "What's up, Castiel?"

"Do you think you could give me _this_ medicine? It makes me way happier than the ones you gave me." She frowned and pulled a seat close to the bed and held Castiel's hand.

"Castiel, I know painkillers make people feel nice, but they are highly addictive. People get on them and they can't take themselves off. They are not safe. And it's not a good alternative for anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medication." 

"Cas, why the hell didn't you tell me you were in therapy?" Dean asked coolly and Meg scowled at him.

"First of all, you don't need to know everything about his life. If he didn't feel comfortable telling you then you need to back off. Secondly you better get off your high horse right now because I have a strong feeling that this wasn't an accident from a branch." Dean chuckled.

"Yeah? Prove it." Meg's eyes narrowed and she looked down at Castiel who was now blissfully unaware of the situation, having fallen asleep. "Oh that's right, you can't."

"You underestimate my abilities, Dean Winchester. If I find out you did this, I will end you." Sam walked into the room and saw the two basically nose-to-nose snarling at each other and cocked his head to the side.

"What's going on in here?" He asked slowly and Dean turned his head and grinned at Sam.

"Nothing. Meg here was just leaving, right?" He glanced at her and she smugly grinned and sat down on the chair next to Castiel's bed.

"Wouldn't dream of it."

***

Sam and Jess were looking into apartments. Ones that either Castiel could move into or Dean. They didn't want the two of them living together anymore. There was too much tension and they wanted Castiel to be safe. They preferred if Dean moved out, this way Castiel wouldn't have to be alone, but if Castiel would move out then that would be okay too. Hopefully he could find a roommate to keep him occupied. He wasn't doing so well.

Castiel had constant nose bleeds and his face was still swollen. His nose was wrapped up from surgery. He only needed it for a week, he was getting it removed later that day. He pretty much stayed in his room the entire time. No coaxing could get him out of the room and he kept it locked. They hoped he had food in there because he refused to go out for dinner. 

Lucifer had tried to get Castiel to move in with him, even Gabriel tried. No one could even talk to him though. He didn't want to talk. He was depressed. Lucifer almost tackled Dean but was stopped. He was told there was no actual proof that he'd done anything. The only thing he was guilty of was being there the time it happened. And with Castiel mute, no one knew for sure what happened.

Castiel stopped going to see Meg that week. She called him and asked that he'd at least text her if he needed her. She said she understood why he felt that way and she was there to help. He'd responded with a simple thank you but had not gone on more than that. 

Through the time he spent alone in his room he thought about a lot of things. He thought how the years went by with him and Dean. It was coming up on two years. He couldn't believe that he met Dean just two years ago and this whole relationship just seemed like it went on much longer than that. It felt like he was with Dean for ten years, at least. He remembered the things they did together. He remembered the bad things that transpired. Mostly he mulled over the fact that none of this would be at this low point if it hadn't been for Dean's father's passing.

He couldn't blame the guy, he was dead. But ever since that happened, Dean had just been a completely different person. He didn't want anyone close to him. Even when Castiel felt that they'd formed a new bond, Dean would shred it not too long after the fact. It was a whirlwind of emotions and Castiel was just too tired to deal with it.

He was exhausted even thinking about it. He wished things could go back to the way they were. He wanted everything to start over. He looked at his favorite song for a support system. Nobody said it was easy. No one ever said it would be this hard. 

Castiel knew deep down that Dean was wrong for him. He was abusive and downright mean sometimes. But he remembered when Dean was his prince charming. He remembered when Dean took him to the movies, he remembered their second date at the hospital. He remembered Dean wooing him. The memories got him choked up and for the Nth time that day, Castiel found himself silently crying. 

Was Dean feeling this way? Did Dean regret destroying what they had? The most pure thing that Castiel had in his life, tainted. Did Dean hate himself for destroying it? He didn't know. He hoped he did.

***

After Castiel's nose healed he didn't hesitate in leaving the house. Sam had mentioned they were looking at apartments and Castiel went and looked at all of them. He found one on his own. It was an hour away. Castiel put in his two weeks at Heavenly Coffee. There was too much left there. He didn't want to think about it anymore. He was done. He had to move on or he'd always come right back to this point.

He still set up appointments with Meg. She knew not to ask what transpired between him and Dean that day, but he knew that she already found out herself. He didn't want to think about being that weak again. He wanted to be stronger than that.

Jess cried when he told her that he was leaving but Sam understood. They both did. It was just sad to see him leave. Dean wasn't there, he was at work. Castiel made them promise him that Dean wasn't to find out. Dean didn't even know he was leaving. 

Castiel had all of his things packed away the moment he found out that he had a job opportunity in his new hometown. Sam and Jess called out of work and helped him pack his things. Lucifer rented a truck and brought him there. 

When he stood in front of his new apartment he felt alone. He wanted to go back, but he knew he couldn't. He was ahead of that now. 

It was time to start again.

***

Dean came home from work and noticed that Castiel's bedroom door was opened. Which was odd because it was never opened. He briskly walked over to it and peeked his head inside only to find that it was empty. 

He pushed himself away from the door and ran to Sam's room and knocked on the door.

"Sammy!" Sam opened it with an annoyed expression. "Where the hell is Cas??"

"Castiel moved." Sam said simply and Dean looked flabbergasted. 

"What do you mean he _moved_? Why didn't anyone tell me about it?"

"Because he didn't want you to know, Dean." Sam shifted onto the other foot and crossed his arms. "You two are toxic. You shouldn't be together. And if he didn't leave, we were going to make sure you did. You two shouldn't have been in the same house together, we know that now." Dean felt his heart break. 

Castiel... left?

But... why?

Dean walked away from the door, completely white. He was going to be sick. Why did Castiel leave him? He said forever, right? And he was gone. Maybe... Maybe he left him a note and it was in his room...

Dean ran down the stairs to his bedroom to find that everything was in order. He looked in the closet to see if Castiel left down any clothes. He didn't. Every single thing of Castiel's was gone. There was no memory of him.

Dean turned his head and saw it. On the bed.

Castiel's engagement ring.


	6. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well this is the end, folks. I hope you enjoyed it! Please let me know if the story made you feel anything. That's all I'd like to know!

## Epilogue:

Castiel had found himself in a fairly pleasant routine. It had been 14 months since he left Dean and started again in a new town. He moved on from the first job he had which was a barista and moved on to being a receptionist at a local veterinary clinic.

He got a pet cat, she was a beautiful calico missing her front foot. He had her for a year and he absolutely loved her. She was a very cuddly cat and made him feel wanted. Meg was right about getting animals. They honestly did help with depression. He didn't feel as lonely with her. Her name was Claire. 

He hadn't seen Balthazar since everything happened either. Balthazar was a good man, but there were too many links to Dean with him. Memories tying them together and he didn't want that in a relationship. 

Currently he was single and he didn't mind too much. He made some friends where he was. Samandriel and Hannah. They were nice. He had a feeling Hannah liked him which was weird because he couldn't ever feel the same way about her.

Castiel constantly wondered if he'd be able to have a relationship with another man, to trust another man. He thought about potentially having a relationship with a woman. It wasn't appealing to him. But neither were men at this point. He decided to give up that dream and just be in a relationship with himself. He needed to heal before he let someone else in. And after Dean, there was a lot of healing to be done. 

He almost broke one night. He was going through his books and found a book of Dean's. I'll Love You Forever. He played The Scientist on repeat that night and hugged his couch and a glass of wine. It was nice to cry though.

Meg's medicine was messing with him though. He found himself neutral when he was on it and when he forgot to take a dose he was so irrationally angry. Those days he wrote letters to Dean and tried to convey the hurt that he went through. Then he would crash, he'd reread them and cry and write letters about how he missed Dean so much and how wonderful he was.

He talked to Meg a lot about Dean and wondered if it was normal to be feeling this broken up about Dean 14 months later. Meg told him it was normal, it was his first relationship and a bad one at that. She told him to relax and give him time to heal and she would be there each step of the way.

Castiel didn't lose Sam and Jess as friends like he feared, but it was rare that he saw them. He kept in contact with them through email. They were doing great. He tried not to ask how Dean was doing but one time he broke down and finally asked. It took Jess two days to respond. Two painstakingly long days and when she replied it was short. She didn't want Castiel being hung up on Dean but understood he was curious. She said he was okay and he moved out a while ago and he was still working at the garage. Castiel was upset about that in a way. He didn't like that everyone still could talk to Dean but he couldn't. But he also understood it. He shouldn't talk to Dean. After everything he did to get away from him. He even changed his cell phone number. He's had that number for years and he was bummed when he had to change it but Lucifer said it was for his own safety. It didn't hurt any less.

***

Castiel felt like he deserved a walk. He'd been cooped up in his apartment cleaning constantly. He loved Claire, he did but she made it impossible for him to keep his house in perfect working order. She knocked things over and it was just a mess. He decided that he was going to go for a walk and there was nothing anyone could do about it.

"You better be good." Castiel demanded and Claire sat up straight and meowed at him. "Kiss up." He muttered good-heartedly.

Outside was nice. Cold, but nice. He felt like he hadn't been outside in weeks. The thing he missed the most about his old apartment was the closeness it had to the park. This one had several blocks to get to there.

He felt his phone vibrate in his pocket and glanced at the name. It was Gabriel. Sometimes he was in town and wanted to hang out but Castiel felt the need to be alone. He didn't want to worry about anyone else. He put the phone back in his pocket and inhaled deeply. There was something sharp about the air when it was cold. It burned his nostrils but he liked it. He found that with each time he took a walk, he valued the cold chill more and more. 

He felt lonely today. He didn't know why, it came on so suddenly. He supposed that's what happened when he forgot to take his medicine. It was a long road figuring out which medicine worked for him. There was one that eradicated his sex drive (which didn't matter since he hadn't had sex since Dean) one that made him super hungry and gain weight, one that made him not eat ever, one that caused shock like feelings in his brain (easily his least favorite) currently the one he was on made him tired, not exhausted. He just always felt like if he could, he'd take a nap. It was annoying, but there was worse. He was tired of trying new medicine and he was sure Meg was too. 

"Cas?" Castiel was jerked out of his thoughts and turned around slowly. There stood Dean Winchester. He'd just gotten a haircut, it was spiked in the front, his face was completely clean shaven. He wore a green button up and a leather jacket with that weird looking necklace Sam gave him forever ago. 

Castiel stood there, his heart beat so hard in his chest. He had trouble breathing. He felt heat prickle his skin as he began sweating in the 15 degree (F) weather. He started shaking, he was trembling. He felt like he was going to be sick. There was Dean. The literal cause of his nightmares, standing a few feet away, bowlegged looking the same, like nothing haunted him. 

Castiel wanted to run away but he was glued to the spot. He recognized the feeling in the pit of his stomach. Butterflies. His face flushed and he couldn't help the grin that spread across his face. He felt like he was home. With a sharp inhale of breath, he took a step forward.

"Dean." He breathed, Dean smiled, a glimmer in his eye.

**fin**


End file.
